Boundaries and the kids

[tryingsome]

So now with custody of the children in full effect, I have found boundary pushing in full effect.

I had mentioned that since I get off earlier from work, that I could watch the kids for an hour or two till she got home from work to save on babysitter money.

This seemed fine and good in theory. During the first week she said she had to stay late to visit her T.

I asked her what time she would arrive and she said 6. I said that was fine and I could watch them.

Well, 6:30 arrives and not a word from her, so I text and just put ?

She responded that she would be there in 15 (more like 30 minutes actually).

Then find out she was out drinking with coworkers.

I then told her that I am not going to watch the kids on her week; that this will not work.

Her excuse was she thought I wanted to spend time with the children.

Anyhow, in this whole exercise; it was nice to exert a boundary. Say hey you crossed it and we aren't doing this anymore.

It's been a good feeling standing up to her more now.

[Turkish]

Good!

A friend recently told me that if my Ex needed the kids to be watched on her time, to let her figure it out. It's life, one she chose. We don't have Right of First Refusal in the stipulation. I see the point, but I'll take any extra time with the kids that I can get, as I did this past weekend for 3 hours.

Do you foresee the arrangement changing? Document the time, and the communcation.

My Ex was moving. Valid. Yours was drinking 

Very frustrating. .

[Swiggle]

While it is frustrating to know that she is using you as a babysitter while she is out having a good time, could you look at it from a different perspective? What is best for the kids and will these incidents help you later on. Take as much extra time you can get with the kids, as later it could help you with custody/parenting time. Always being there shows the courts that you are the reliable one and that you value time with the kids. 

It does feel really great to stand up for yourself!

[tryingsome]

Oops, I wasn't clear. I have already been awarded 50/50 custody with the kids.

And I actually I have no problem watching them the extra hours on her weeks, only if she gave me a heads up what time she is going to be home.

She just expects me to have been fine with whatever time she chooses without letting me know/updated.

Honestly, I don't even care if she is going to be out drinking necessarily, just let me know on your weeks what time you are coming home.

Incidentally, this happened the 2nd week of her having the kids.

[Turkish]

So the primary frustration is the disrespect.

[tryingsome]

So the primary frustration is the disrespect.

More like I feel taken advantage of, but disrespect is probably a good synopsis.

My Ex had a tendency to just go out drinking, never knew when she would come home. Sometimes an hour late, sometimes 6 hours late. I didn't want to set this precedent as a role-model to my children, that it is okay for people to walk all over you.

It's a fine line though, while I do get the kids 50% of the time, it is always nice to see them on my off days.

But at the same time, it just doesn't feel healthy interacting with her.

[BonusMom]

Did you figure out a solution? My boyfriend has similar issues with his BPDx. We decided (through advice given here) to take D5 & D7 every chance we get, and we NEVER ask for her help during our time with them. This will be helpful if he ever needs to go to court again, and it also affords us quality time with the girls and an opportunity to give them lots of love and make sure they're getting their needs met (that she isn't consistent about, things like bathing, my gosh!). It sounds like you agree about caring for your children when you can. I'm just curious how you've decided to handle her boundary-busting, if you've figured it out.

[tryingsome]

Did you figure out a solution? My boyfriend has similar issues with his BPDx. We decided (through advice given here) to take D5 & D7 every chance we get, and we NEVER ask for her help during our time with them. This will be helpful if he ever needs to go to court again, and it also affords us quality time with the girls and an opportunity to give them lots of love and make sure they're getting their needs met (that she isn't consistent about, things like bathing, my gosh!). It sounds like you agree about caring for your children when you can. I'm just curious how you've decided to handle her boundary-busting, if you've figured it out.

Well after I was pretty firm about not watching the kids if you can't come on time; she has been pretty good.

She watches the kids on her weeks (though they do go to friends house, who also have kids so that is fine).

And on my weeks I watch the kids. Like you, I don't ask for help.

I am watching the kids on the 17th for the whole day through 8pm. If she can make it on time, we can go from there.

But I have been keeping an active journal on which 'extra' time I watch the kids.

So if there is ever an emergency or going back to court, there is some semblance of a pattern.

[Tobiasfunke]

Dude do u watch them at her place or does she drive them home. I'd say let them stay the night on the 17th. Right?

[tryingsome]

Dude do u watch them at her place or does she drive them home. I'd say let them stay the night on the 17th. Right?

I am watching them at her place. No concerns there.