Evicting DD18

[jellibeans]

I have not been here for some time but I have missed the support. It has not been an easy year for my dd or our family. Dd18 has been to rehab in patient 3 times... .in 3 sober living programs... .and three IOP. She has struggled to keep sober... .In January she enrolled in a few classes at community college and we thought well maybe now she is ready... .maybe now she is ready to make a life for herself... .but she has retruned to her old ways of sneaking out at night to meet her drug dealer. We are once again heart broken and profoundly sad.

She back home in August after a suicide attempt while in treatment. She was in bad shape and the treatment center had changed meds and she really became unstable. We decided to give her another change and she was allowed to move back home. We got her a new therapist and encouraged her to go to meetings etc... .but the sad turth is she just really doesn't want to be sober. I know she is sick and it is a illness but we can't do it anymore. There is too much pain and we are simply enabling her and her drug habit.

She snuck out last night to go see her drug dealer and today we have asked her to leave our house. She says she is sorry but it means nothing to me. I am sad for her and I am sad for our family.

Any advise would be welcomed... .I have run out of ideas and sadly just trying to let go... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So sad to hear this jelly. How very hard this is on you as her mom who wants good things for her daughter.

FWIW, her addiction is stronger than you and she are put together.

The failure rate for addiction recovery is very high.  Regardless  if she has a mental illness that fuels this addiction, we shouldn't enable.

Did you and  your husband consider giving her the option of going back into rehab?  Or have you reached your limit with that? 



lbj

[jellibeans]

We would consider rehab but right now we do not think she is open to it and it would be a waste of money.

We were suppose to see a new doctor tomorrow that specializes in Addiction Issues but I don't think she will go. I am planning to go anyways and try to get some help.

She just called my mother who is 84 and not in the best of health to tell her I am kicking her out of the house. This is very upsetting to me that she would do this knowing how my mom worries.

I don't think I will be able to get her out today... .she told me she is not going umless I drive her to homeless shelter. I don't think I should because of the drugs and dangers.

I will have to go through an eviction procedure with the courts... .it will take three days then I can have a policeman come and remove her.

I am just so upset right now... .it is hard to think straight. 

[lbjnltx]

Where she goes is up to her, how she gets there is up to her, what she does there is up to her.

You have provided her every opportunity to help herself and she didn't take full advantage.  You can't do it for her.

What other helps are available from this addiction specialist?  What are you hoping for?

I know it is so difficult to think and act logically when you are in this terrible situation not of your own making. 

In 3 days where will she go?  The police will take her where?  The homeless shelter?

lbj

[jellibeans]

The appointment was originally for her and I called to cancel it. The doctor's assistant called me to offer help to us and I thought that was a good idea so I am going to go and hopefully he might be able to help me sort things out. The eviction process takes some time... .probably 10 days at least but we have started the process.

I don't know where they will take her... .a shelter maybe or they might have some other resources for her. I can't keep figuring out things for her. She is enrolled in classes and that is something I will need to withdrawal her from. Another waste of money... .every opportunity that we have given her has been wasted. Taken for granted and tossed aside.

She needs to be on her own and start making her own life. I just feel we have been a crutch. I know she is sick and know she needs help but what do you do when they don't want it?

The best I can do is let go... .not with anger but just let go. I hope she doesn't become violent but we are prepared to call police if she does. I am sad for her... .I know she is scared... .she has no friends and that makes it even harder.

[lbjnltx]

This is so hard! :'(

I hope the doctor can help you with some alternatives for your d outside your home... .something constructive... .like teen challenge for adults.

I think you are making the right overall decision jelli. Her having a soft place to land isn't pushing her to help herself.



lbj

[jellibeans]

What does adult challenge mean? Outward bound? I have looked at this before but if she is resistant then they will kick her out. I think these kind of programs can be good but I worry about sending her on this adventure and her really not able to handle it.

This doctor has a lot of experience with teens and I hope he can advise us. I am just lost at what to do. Even kicking her out is going to take time and I fear she will make her last few days here difficult.

[lbjnltx]

Have you ever watched the show "Intervention" jelli?

The key to successfully getting an addict into treatment is removing their support system.  They have a choice... .either go to treatment or lose your support/home/relationships. 

Whatever the program that may be offered it is up to them, the addict,  to choose to go and up to their support system to hold true to their boundaries.  If they leave treatment then that is their choice.  If they complete treatment and then begin using again that is their choice.  The support system of family and friends stays true to their boundary... .if you use we are cutting you off for our own protection and not to enable you in your addiction.

I hope that this dr can offer your d and your family this same intervention opportunity... .at no cost to you if you are done paying for failed attempts to help her.

lbj

[jellibeans]

Yes I watch that show and that is why we are kicking her out. Offering her rehab again will mean nothing to her. She would go but resist treatment once there. One of the rehab places she was at really lost hope with her. In the end she was put into isolation repeatedly because she would not follow rules. Her time there was useless and expensive. The last place she was at she was suicidal. Tried to jump off building. She is lucky they were able to grab her from the ledge. We do not think she can go to rehab without regressing and becoming suicidal again. One way or another she is going to self destruct. We are walking a fine line. We want to help her but she has to want it. Right now she is not ready and life at home is too easy. Too comfortable.

[lbjnltx]

Has she been in dual diagnosis inpatient treatment before?

[jellibeans]

She was in Menninger in Houston a year ago. Where they gave her new testing and new dx. From there she went to hazelton Betty ford clinic. A dual dx facility. She came home but still struggled. We put her in a sober home with an out patient program. She relapsed and we wanted to send her back to hazelton but she refused to get on plane so we sent her to a place in Texas where she stayed for 60 days. Released and once again enrolled in a IOP and sober home. She lasted a week and relapsed again. We found another sober home and she continued in the same iop. One week later she relapsed again hard. Was in a pretty dangerous environment. Older addicts taking advantage of her. They were shorting her up with meth. She was raped. We rescued her again and enrolled her in another dual dx facility. She lasted three weeks and was suicidal most of the time she was there. We were not told but informed she was being taken to hospital. She was kicked out of the rehab and returned home.

She was offered a lot of help but resisted it and I don't believe she wants it now. She would like to live here and do drugs. We can not support that and that has brought us to where we are now. Over the past few months we have given her access to therapist and doctors but she has been resistant. She lapsed just before Christmas and she went to another rehab for three weeks. Again we have tried to support her but she repeatly resists help.

I just don't think there is anything we can do. She needs to want help. We can't keep forcing her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sad and true jelli.

[jellibeans]

Sadly lbjntx we had her enrolled at falcon but my husband had second thoughts and hired an educational consultant. They were terrible and just added stress. In hindsight I wish we would have sent her there when we had the opportunity. It is something I will always regret.

[lbjnltx]

 

We all do the best we can with what we have to work with jelli.

You gave her many opportunities and any one of them could have helped her.

lbj

[jellibeans]

My evening continued to get more and more interesting. I talked with dd and she told me that she had snuck to see her friend because she was suicidal. She was stressed and having a hard time coping. I then felt very bad for not being more understanding. She decided she was going to leave and of course this is when I tried to convince her to stay. I asked her to go to the new therapist/doctor appointment I had scheduled and see if he could help give us both guidance. She refused and was very upset. She talked about being depressed and she wanted me to drive her downtown to a shelter. There she felt she could survive. If she had to walk to a locate park she said she would just be watching the cars go by and thinking about jumping in front of one. She left and and called the police. They started looking for her. I called her and left a message to come back home. The police were at our home and wanted to make sure she was ok. Long story short she turned and talked with the officiers and agreed to go to the doctor apt.

This morning we went to see a new doctor and he immediately started talking about her tramua and sex assults saying he would have to report them if they had not been reported. She got up and walked out his office and I was pretty disappointed he didn't pick his word more carefully. I talked with him a bit and tried to inform him of what had been going on with DD18. I don't think he was prepared for her flight impulse and how quickly she will run if she feels threatened.

She returned to the apt and I left so they could talk privately. Our apt was close to 2 hours and when she came out she seem good and had made another appointment for next week. She ended up liking him and I am hopeful they can make a bond and he can help DD through this tough time.

So she is home and wants to continue with school even though I gave her an out and told I could withdraw her. School is stressful and I know she feels she is not smart enough but I hope she can try to get through the next few months.

Thank lbjntx... .you are always so helpful and kind. I am not sure I have done the right thing. I don't feel she is totally commited to her sobriety but I am very worried about her mental health so I feel I have to balance the two. I am doing the best I can... .I hope it is enough.

[wendydarling]

Jellibeans, your post has touched me deeply, I can only imagine how absolutely exhausted you feel, despite your great strength that shines through. I hope you sleep well when bedtime comes (it's 11pm here in the UK). I agree, school can be stressful and it sounds like a get out opportunity for your daughter. Letting go ... .may bring forth your daughter as you say.

WDx 

[jellibeans]

Thank you wendy darling... .you are very kind.

[lbjnltx]

This sounds hopeful jelli. 

Let us know how she is doing and how you are too.

We are here for you

lbj

[jellibeans]

Thanks lbj. I don't know how I would get through without you. You are a blessing to this board   I really appreciate your help and support.

[lbjnltx]

I give what I have received.

How are things now?


lbj

[jellibeans]

Thank you for checking in on me!   She is back to school and got caught up on missed classes. She has talked about getting a part time job which I think would help keep her busy. She still seems to be struggling but will be seeing her new therapist Friday which I hope will give her a place to talk about her issues and hopefully get guideness. She rarely takes what I have to say and I have tried to cut back on giving advise. Only when she asks.

She is still sleeping a lot and having nightmares. A friend from one of rehabs died recently and that seems to have triggered the dreams again. She sleeps with the light on and often wanders the house at night. I really don't get much sleep some nights. she seems so tortured by her thoughts.

I am not really sure things are better but they have leveled out some. We just keep riding the roller coaster and waiting for times when we can catch our breath. I am hoping over the next couple of months the new therapist can help her sort some things out. I really think she might need rehab (in patient) or something else. I am not sure I can have her live with me when the amount of stress is so high at times. I just try and let go and focus on myself more. I am going to golf tomorrow and it is the first time in a long time that I have taken the time to do so.

If you have any suggestions I would love to hear them... .I need to find an Al-alon group for support but it is hard to keep my head above water some days... .when things are calm I just want to rest. I love my dd very much and I so wish I could help her but I know she needs to find her way. I always remember what you said in one of your posts about creating opportunities and not trying to orchestrate the outcome. That is a constant struggle for me but I am getting better... .I think!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Leveling out vs the ups and downs of the rollercoaster are indeed progress, however long it lasts.

Radical self care is warranted when we have children with emotional problems.  Whether or not we ride the rollercoaster is up to us.  What can we do to stay off the ride? 

Practice the same skills to cope with our emotions (fear, anger, frustration, despair, worry, guilt, shame, etc... .) that we ask our kids to use.

It may help to define the different areas of our lives that are affected.  This may help:

The Parent's Bill of Rights

Once we define the areas that are affected then we can figure out what to do to make improvements in our own lives and well being.

Going to get support; here, an individual T, Al-Anon, through friends/family, NAMI meetings, Family Connections Programs  are all ways to practice self care and learn healthy ways to cope with the stress we live under.

Rest... .get as much as you can. 

lbj

[jellibeans]

Thank you lbj.  It has been a long time since I have read that article. It is a good guideline for me. I am going to post it in my office so I can see it daily. I am off to golf now now on this beautiful day.