He's agreed to try again, but has zero faith in it.

[rb08]

I posted a couple of days ago regarding my s/o with BPD. I took advice given and left him alone and took some time to look at myself. Even though my friends see it as I'm blaming myself, I can see some of his points as to why he left me.

I was a little needy, and maybe some of my behaviour did make him feel a little uneasy.

Having depression and anxiety myself makes this all a little more complicated as I'm extremely sensitive towards some of the things he says, I over think and analyse every single thing he says or he does I don't exactly know why.

He has pushed me away and disconnected himself, he has said when he does this he rarely comes back from it. But he says he loves me and wants to be with me, it's all a little confusing but I want this to work,I just don't know how I can tell him that even if I put all the effort in the world in to the relationship, but I can't do it all on my own!

He is doubtful on it due to girls hurting him in the past. (Monumentally aswel)

But when he met me he'd say, I'm the one he's been looking for, my kind nature my loving personality, but now it's like he's thrown me into the pile of the hurtful people and he can't see me for me anymore.

Will a little time of letting go of the neediness and dwelling on the little things help him to see me again? Or am I fighting a losing battle?

[Sunfl0wer]

Will a little time of letting go of the neediness and dwelling on the little things help him to see me again? Or am I fighting a losing battle?

It is true that persons with BPD need a strong partner who expects little to no care-taking from them even in times of great need or illness.

However, I suspect changing just one or two things will not repair all things between you two.  After reading around here so many stories it seems evident that even when a person is not behaving needy or dwelling on little things, that their BPD SO is still in a constant state of their own inner emotional conflict that we cannot resolve for them.  All we can do is radically accept that they will be this way and learn to do our best not to contribute to a chaotic emotional environment.

Having said that, it is always helpful that we confront and manage our own issues no matter if we are working on building a r/s or separating.  It still is in our best interests to work on the things that surface as a result of our reslationships.

[tryingsome]

decided or conflicted board... .

So you said he wants to try again but has zero faith?

If he actually said this, then run.

Why would you want to try with someone who says zero faith?

Here is how an adult would respond normally:

I want to try again. I know we had some issues, but I believe we can work through them.

I believe we can make this work.

One side is optimistic about the future, the other is not.

All this does is set him up for when it does not work, he can say, 'see i knew this would not work'.

My suggestion is to move on. Zero faith is asking for more pain/hurt.

[Daniell85]

It's push-pull behavior.

And it isn't your fault. Naturally you are going to feel the instability in him of want you/ not want you. It creates anxiety and fear, which can feed into the dynamics even more.

The best thing you can probably do, if you want to try, is to really take on what is said in the lessons to the right of this page.

Particularly radical acceptance, and that YOU have to be the strong one and lead the relationship.

[rb08]

So, after spending the weekend with him, friday; perfect we talked really openly and actually felt like we had got somewhere.

He said he had faith in it, but there was scepticism.

Saturday- perfectly fine through out the day, got to the evening, things got really deep, I decided to open up about some things in my past... turns out that wasn't a good move, he just shut off from me again, said I'd put a downer on the evening and ruined the night, we went to bed in silence.

This morning, he was so off with me I was questioning my own mind, whether this was ACTUALLY happening. After a lot of the stuff we had talked about on the Friday had actually gone in to my mind.

He picked up a little throughout the day today but it's suddenly gone down again, he's been on his phone most of the day, being a little sketchy with it if I'm honest. Now I'm not about to start being the person who asks about it or even goes through his phone, but it's literally no conversation  with me to the point where I'm just feeling awkward! I haven't been able to go home as I'm not well today and I can't drive. But I have zero idea on how to communicate with him, I don't want to bring anything up because it triggers him.

[believer55]

I don't want to bring anything up because it triggers him

This is how we live our lives. This is no way to have a relationship. You will have deep an meaningful discussion where you think you have made progress and the next day it's like it never happened. This is the pattern.

[sebastian.l]

decided or conflicted board... .

Here is how an adult would respond normally:

I want to try again. I know we had some issues, but I believe we can work through them.

I believe we can make this work.

One side is optimistic about the future, the other is not.

All this does is set him up for when it does not work, he can say, 'see i knew this would not work'.

My suggestion is to move on. Zero faith is asking for more pain/hurt.

I had exactly this situation with my girl after she went 'actin in' by loosing all self-esteem, being a mess and totally insecure. She went out to compensate by seeking the attention of other men. I found out. She wanted to 'do everything she could to fix it, if I just let her'.

I received exactly the 'adult statements' written above. However, same day she told her friend: 'I really love him a lot, but I also don't know if it still comes out good and if I can put a lot of energy in it because of work, parents, friends whatever else... .'

excuses for failure already before making any effort. so the thing is, even if they speak like an adult, the ambivalent emotional state in them stays. And yes, you are absolutely right, she just set herself up to say later:'see I knew it wouldn't work out, but I did what I could to fix it'

[rb08]

He has ended it again. I just tried to communicate with him, he's said he'd rather I spoke up instead of letting things get to me, he's been on his phone all weekend and genuinely ignored me. So I tried to explain it feels as though he's holding back from me.

That's when the accusations of not listening to him, I'm never going to 'change' the neediness, I control his thoughts all because of a situation that I saw and treated like a joke, which we always used to do. So we're talking about something I'm laughing he's laughing, I can't tell if he's being serious so I basically said, say it without laughing and I will believe you, he laughed again so I said I knew he was joking. He explained some things on Friday evening and I said'i can see how that could come across as controlling' but he's saying I admitted to controlling his thoughts and his feelings.

I've blamed myself a lot since this mess started, but I'm the same person I was when we got together! But in his mind it's all negative, I'm worst relationship he's had, when I've been treading on egg shells, doing the 45 minute drive to him when he says jump I say how high. Him and the friend who gave me some advice both reckon I repeat .myself... I've been letting go of the things that bother me,  but when I finally let any kind of emotion and frustration out I'm 'pathetic'

We were supposed to take my son out on Thursday, and I simy suggested we leave it until then, we spend some time as a family and the stress wod subside, I've been stressing about splitting my time between him and my son as it's difficult where he lives In a different county.

His response to my suggestion was 'surely it's better for me to walk out of your son's life now. Than for him to find me hanging in your bathroom'

I have given this man my heart and soul. But all of this,  feels like genuine torture. He's playing mind games with me and has admitted to it.

I'm fighting a completely lost battle and it's broken my heart that he can pick me up and drop me, it was 2 days Prior that I asked if we could try. In the two days he just said 'he can't come back from it'

Trying to explain every relationship has hard times he sees As a dig, that he doesn't see life as 'normal people do'

I was happy to deal with the bad days, I was prepared. But after this I know he won't come back from it. I just don't understand how he can be  completely out of love with me.

Unless he's  very good at lying.

[Ms.Perfect]

Well If he is playing mind games and admitting it. Play back

Be not replaceable ! Be interesting, give him the time with you BEST and HAPPY day of his life! Give him 1 day of it. LOVEBOMB HIM. Use HIS weapon against him They LOVE lovebombing at the beginning , and everyone getting needy from them, getting addicted to these words. DO THE SAME! Be Charming, Dress stylish, LOVEBOMB HARD!

and when you do it- add Maximum emotions and be outright. Do not lie. Find what you really think he has special.  SMILE A LOT. KEEP EYECONTACT.

after that… in the end tell him- You are not READY for relationships like that, you max what you can offer is to be friends, or may be tell BYE! to each other.

Remember He SCARED to be abandoned ! He will do EVERYTHING to stop it!

(he will try his best to return you in some kind of relationships )

Also remember they unavalable girls! Hard to get.

they are JEALOUSE. Tell him your ex- came to you and want you back to him. And you are thinking because he seems changed. (or new guy not ex)

After great time and love bombing and you are all stylish, smell good and hold yourself as you worth a whole world. Push him away

You ALREDY showed him you NEED HIM. He knows. Change the strategy!

Give him a rollecaster  )

My (now friend) haha… will see… told me I am very dangerouse I know ppl so well and good at it. So We know info what they (or man) like? YEs, then USE IT.

Get HIS mind attached to you. So he will not be able to get you out of his head.

Think what did he say to you before, what made you what to hear again and again?

Give him the same candy He will not expect it. And it Will work on him also.

If he will not pull you back, then you can not do anything alredy with him. But you will not loose your dignity.

[rb08]

I can't do that to him. Even though he has hurt me, I don't want to play games. It won't make me feel any better.

[Ms.Perfect]

He told you ZERO faith in it.

In this case need to do something or you will lose.

Anyway what I offered it is use it and see. I didn't offer to play mind games with him forever.

Which is I thing they actually want. NOT TO BE BORED.

[Turkish]

I can't do that to him. Even though he has hurt me, I don't want to play games. It won't make me feel any better.

Like from the movie War Games, "The winning move is not to play." 

[believer55]

Don't play games - they do not think in logic - only emotions and EXTREME emotions at that. Hang in there and best of luck

[Yaryar87]

I went through a similar experience just recently.  I had a very deep conversation with my ex.  He finally agreed that breaking up all the time was wrong and he was going to try and work on his anger issues and not cut people out of his life.  He started to become romantic then all of a sudden one thing I said and he began to doubt our relationship.  He then changed his mind to just wanting to be friends again that he never loved me and was just trying to feel love.  He tried to make me feel guilty and blame me for the reason he can't be with me.  He put no effort and went ghost again.

Don't play games it will just get messier. He has a personality disorder and he can't see things the way you see them.  Don't let him make you feel guilty or any less.  After reading many posts most stories are the same.  It helped me to realize that the relationship was conflicted due to a disorder and it is not just our fault or that we arnt good enough.