Busted

[rarsweet]

Ex is still gone. His friend that he was staying with was messaging with me tonight. She says he isn't welcome to come back to her place. Actually she said she has a friend who will physically remove him if he tries to come back to her place. We compared some notes over the last week. He is a con through and through. His friend, single mom of two, has been paying for his 2 storage units, his gas, our daughter's food, I have been giving him gas money. We were able to talk and describe things in his storage units. Some are mine, some are hers from years ago when he stayed with her, lots of other things. Too much more to even go into. But as we were talking he messaged her. She forwarded me the messages. I showed her his "my truck broke down and just when I see a light at the end of the tunnel you alienate me from my daughter" emails. He told her he has had a "tummy bug real bad" and now he is better and he wanted to know if he could come back to town in the morning and take daughter to her place. This is 14 days of being gone somewhere. He said his sister(2 hours away) is working on finding him an apartment. He said if his friend couldn't let him come back tomorrow it was o.k. he would just take daughter to his sister's. Meanwhile he hasn't even responded to me to say that he is coming back to town. Over my dead body is he taking her anywhere. Son of a b___ is a thief, liar, con, lazy, mooch. Now he has no one here and no where to go. I just really hope he takes off and stays gone, terrible as that sound.

[GaGrl]

Do not allow your daughter to be taken into such an unsafe, ill-defined situation. You must be the protecting parent at this point.

[Turkish]

Do not allow your daughter to be taken into such an unsafe, ill-defined situation. You must be the protecting parent at this point.

Yes.

[rarsweet]

rarsweet I am so sorry. I did get sick for a few days I think due to stress and I am doing everything I can to work through these obsticles. I have had terrible luck and then got sick and I am better just a little weak from I think it was a stomach bug. I was without wifi through it and I am sorry. I miss her so much and struggle about it through all of this. I don't mean to mess you and your mom up at all, I seriously have had the most terrible luck but I set up to do my voc rehab as I told you but got sick so I rescheduled. But I am going to get it all straight and want to thank you your mom and Jen and her for all you do. I really appreciate it. I am missing daughter a ton and I hope you know that I am just screwing off. Your emails are a little harsh and I understand your frustration and I am working through all of this and I will make it right with you. I really do appreciate what you do. I know you are upset with me and probably hate me at this point but I need you to know that I do care so much and I am proud of your accomplishments and progress in the last year+. I fell apart when you decided to get your own place and mind wise have struggled with that and I am sorry for that it was hard and I try to keep a positive outlook on moving forward. I do miss you two but understand that it is what it is and I am going to get things straight. I know you don't want to talk in person and I hope someday soon things will be better again. Again, I really appreciate you and what you do for our daughter. Thank you for that. My truck has been fixed and I thought you knew by me setting up to pick her up last Friday but understand why you got Jen and your mom and I didn't want to argue at all with you and I was upset with the situation. And then when I was in a wifi spot you set stuff up for this week when I was going to have her on my regular time. I'm sorry everything went the way it did; I had know control with happened. Nature of the beast and I am getting through it. Please believe I am not enjoying not seeing our daughter for two weeks, it killing me. Not that you care, respectively, I cry cause I miss her so much. This has been hard rarweet and I know it's hard on you. Like I said I will set things straight and in time will make it up to you guys for stepping up through this. Thank you a ton. Respectively, lots of love to you all. Please don't take that wrong. I mean it sincerely. You guys are awesome for this can't thank you enough as I've said hundred times already. I will email you when I am back down there. I know you already have a sitter so I will get in touch tomorrow night or Sunday. Thanks and take care and I will talk to you soon.

[rarsweet]

Just emailed me, I changed the names

[Turkish]

So what's your take on this email, given what you've found out?

[rarsweet]

He is just making excuses and spinning stories. He has been on Facebook so no WiFi is a lie. He doesnt have a disability or an employer so vocat rehab is a lie. There isn't any rehab within an hour of here or his sisters. I have called in twice since 2010 despite having flus, frozen shoulders, being pregnant, etc. I was sick just recently and made it to both of my jobs. I have had 2 days off since Christmas. He wouldn't have broke down God knows where of he hasn't been playing at life. He should be staying somewhere and looking for a job. Of he had been here he would be close enough to see daughter even with a broken vehicle. He's just looking for a Mark somewhere because his friend here has had enough. Who actually says they disappear for weeks because of stomach issues. Its excuses. He still isn't even back here and now I know he doesn't have a place to come back to. I can't wait for court.

[sanemom]

Not trying to diagnose him here, but this email sounds more bipolar than PD.  He sounds like he is totally in his own world. 

What a mess... .a counselor once suggested that my bipolar ex may have NPD, but I think that was just because he was manic at the time.  Our separation and divorce was very easy, and he continues to not fight me on things (he doesn't exercise his right to possession that often like your ex, but that is because he is aware he is not well) and is generally cooperative.  I don't think I hear from him when he is too up or down.

I would not let my child go with him until he has a place where he is going.  This just sounds like too much of an unstable situation.

[Panda39]

I would not let my child go with him until he has a place where he is going.  This just sounds like too much of an unstable situation.

I agree.  The email sounded like a lot of FOG to me.  Poor, poor, pitiful him    Your job is to take care of your daughter, his job is to conduct his life like an adult and until he does this he is not creating a good situation for your daughter.

Panda39

[rarsweet]

i feel sick. his friend who he was staying with is still chatting with me, Wants to meet to talk. She says he is pathological. She told me he used to drive around with daughter ALOT, her words. I showed her the pics of her diaper rashes. She is just blown away, she had no idea. She admitted ex wasn't feeding her she was when he was there with daughter. She told me about my ex talking about his father being a child molester. Which I knew but atleast someone else does too. And ex lived with his dad for 11 months with our baby girl! was completely willing to put her with a child molester as long as he footed the bills. This is just unreal. I think I have to go to DCYF. I am going to meet his friend, see if she will talk also, otherwise I will send them her way. He better stay away. I am seriously shaking. Even though I had suspicions it is really scary to hear them confirmed. I just can't imagine my baby being with him, what it was like for her, and yet she is the sweetest happiest little girl.

[ForeverDad]

We all know you did honestly try to involve him as parent in the past.  That's to your credit.  However, now that you have a more complete picture of his mental state and standard MO (modus operandi) you have properly reassessed how to deal with him regarding parenting.

On the one hand, no one likes to admit their poor behaviors, so it's not surprising he doesn't want to tell all.  On the other hand, this is more than typical reluctance, he's sidestepping all responsibility for his actions, inactions and stories.  That's not acceptable.  You have a right to require certain standards and protections if he is to be an involved parent.  Properly identified and expressed to the court, it will support your motions for minimum protections for your child and you.

Dr Joe Carver and advice about relationships with Losers

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56157.0;all

www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm

[SlyQQ]

May well be a sociopath from e-mail to stable - well thought out for out of control BPD drips of con man / playing for sympathy.

[ForeverDad]

McDonalds and no doubt a number of other places have free WiFi.

[livednlearned]

rarsweet, it sounds like you haven't given up hope that you can rely on him.

The title of your post says Busted. Does anything you discovered seem surprising? Did you need proof he was unreliable?

A lot of us here kept trying to support relationships between our kids and their BPD parent, even when court wasn't trying to force those relationships. At some point we had to take responsibility for banging our heads against a wall.

I remember very clearly the day my L said to me, "If your ex is this bad, then why do you continue to put your child in dangerous situations with his dad? A judge is going to want you to answer that." One of the more painful moments for me. Ultimately, you have to admit that you are responsible for endangering your D by putting her in his care.  

[rarsweet]

"Okay, I said two weeks ago I would be there and you said you were going to do childcare instead. Every week you ask my friend if I have been there. I chose not to argue because that is the only thing you want to do. You won't chat with me in person so now I am using my resources to get through this and you are alienating me from our daughter. Enough is enough.  You may be doing better now, which is awesome but I will not tolerate alienation from our daughter. I am talking to my friend again this afternoon. You said seeings how I have email you would contact me and you still go through my friend  to set up your false little accusations and won't even talk to me in person. I am perfectly fine with talking to you in person but you make it seem so hard unless it is for YOUR benefit. Do what you have to do but I will not tolerate it seeing our daughter because you think your life is more important than daughter having both her parents. You turn everything into an argument little or big and it is so simple. Had enough"

He still isn't here.

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like he's turning the tables on you, rewriting history so your efforts appear blocking, obstructive and behind his back.  Sounds bad, huh?  It only means he's a slippery guy, a master at disinformation and blame shifting.  His 'friend' may be done with him but someone told him you two shared notes?

In any event, yes, he's busted as far as you're concerned.  It remains to be seen what he will do about the court action.  Don't be intimidated or conned.  Present to the court your informed position... .what is best for you and especially your daughter.  Whether or not court chooses to be more lenient with him, so be it.

[rarsweet]

His friend says she hasn't reponded to any communication from him. She does keep sending me his messages to her. I think he is assuming of his friend is done with him it must be because of me. He can try to say whatever he wants. I have emailed 19 times since February 13, I have tried. No more.

[rarsweet]

Even though she hasn't responded to him, she has been putting stuff on Facebook. Not naming any names just general things like being sick of users. Think he knows she's talking about him

[Turkish]

Even though she hasn't responded to him, she has been putting stuff on Facebook. Not naming any names just general things like being sick of users. Think he knows she's talking about him

She's serving your interests now by providing you with information and confirmation of what you suspected, but be careful of getting engulfed in their own drama triangle.

I know it's done a lot, but using Facebook to engage in triangulation... .   (she/Facebook/him)

[rarsweet]

Yes I only use Facebook as an observer and to post pics and videos of kids. I just really can't wait for court. Counting down the days. 22 left.

[rarsweet]

After he said he was getting into vocational rehab and I called him out on lying, sent him the info for it, he then said he got sick and had to reschedule it. I again emailed asking when he was coming back. His response 3/6/16

"Soon. I will email you when I do. Flexin my options and doing what I can to never go this long without seeing daughter, again. I am so sorry to her and you?"

I emailed asking where I should send mail to. His response

"I can just pick it up from you. I need to see daughter. I am trying to see what my options are in Vermont as well that's what the whole voc rehab was about. They are different from NH. I did not mean to go this long without seeing daughter just got stuck with all of this going on and didn't know what to think at first when I got court paperwork from you. I would like to settle this out of court with you. I understand you and want to work with you I am having a hard time with it all and it makes it harder but u detest and your frustration. I'm sorry for this time I am having. I am striving to do better and get situated and I know you don't believe me but I am. I miss daughter so much which makes it even tougher and it's on me to make things better and I promise you and her that I will."

It doesn't even make legible sense. I just responded calling him out again on lies... .VT you have to be disabled and a resident to do vocat rehab. Sent attachments.

Other than that he still isn't around, I can't get him served, he doesn't ever say where he really is, his friend will not allow him back in her house, court in 2 weeks, wonder if he will show up. I am sure he does want to settle out of court... .not happening. The man literally tries everything to not get a job, any job. It's pathetic. I have no mercy or pity left.

[rarsweet]

On a good note, our daughter is doing really great. I don't think she has even noticed he isn't here, which is really sad. Hasn't had the slightest diaper rash since he has been gone. I got offered a position on the Board of Directors at the children's program I volunteer at. So happy because I want to work there when I graduate from school. My jobs are great, made Dean's List at school, enrolled in an additional Paralegal Certificate program, so I can do better with legal advocacy after I graduate, I have been letting my teenage babysitter bring another baby, cousin's baby, over to my place for 2 hours twice a week, so daughter has a new playmate. Life is good despite all the b.s. And taking a vacation at the end of the month! Can't wait.

[Turkish]

It definitely sounds like you are doing well otherwise, and getting things done to secure your future. 

Does your daughter ever ask about her father? Her previous reactions to him were pretty alarming, so it's good that she is safe.

[rarsweet]

My mother said one time when she was out taking a walk a car passed them that was like his and my daughter was pointing and saying daddy. That was about a week after he left. Other than that she hasn't said a thing. Its pretty sad. She is really an amazing kid... .her speech alone has grown so much in the last month. She has always been advanced in speech, at her Dr appointment at 18 months she was telling the Dr the shapes he had in the room... .she even knew octagon and Pentagon. Now she knows all the capital letters and is learning lower case. In the last month she is now greeting the regular cashiers at our stores and the mailman by name. She is able to say please and thank you almost completely unprompted. I have been doing little videos of how I teach her... .like pull out food boxes like stuffing and cereal... .and she can spell the words on the boxes. Sort colors using m and m's, etc. I have been posting them to give other moms in the area ideas of ways to reach. I've had quite a few younger moms start talking to me about their own kiddos because of the videos. Feels good. I have always worried about my daughter and it sounds terrible... .but how does a disordered parent act when there child is literally leaps and bounds ahead of them? She is incredibly social, I say she walks into a store like she runs it . After time away from her dad I am afraid being around him will frustrate her. I am afraid he will react badly to the confidence she has. I am afraid he will hold her back. Its almost like if someone went away and learned a forign language and came back speaking it... .how do you communicate then?

[ForeverDad]

If he appears in court then I doubt the failure to do the official service will be an issue.

Are you prepared for the judge being lenient with him if she does show up?  Have you prepared yourself with various scenarios and claims and how you could effectively counter them?  That's an issue I had in court, and previously with my Ex too, that she could confound me with surprising statements and I wasn't quick enough to come up with a good answer.  Prepare.  Be calm but firm for your daughter's long term welfare.

We separated when son was 3.5 years old.  That first week with him was such a relief.  Twice when he woke up he asked about his mother.  Nothing more the entire time.  Once I tried to be fair (bad move!) and mentioned her but he immediately changed the topic to what we were doing.  It's hazy now but I think we were making cookies.

You know what's good for her.  Advocate for that.  You may get everything you ask for, or maybe not.  But at least you've done what you could to get a better outcome.  No one can fault you for that.

PS... .You're a different person than when you first arrived here, informed and empowered, right?

[rarsweet]

I am a much different person than when I got here. I now have another concern. Although ex hasn't let daughter around his dad since last August I am constantly afraid it could happen. I am afraid he will get so desperate for any help he will go running back to his father.  Ex says that his father was sexually inappropriate to his step sister when he was a child. Says he had peepholes in the walls so he could watch her. I had to point out to ex when he told me this that his dad was basically watching his own daughter as well, since ex's sister shared a room with the step sister. He says his dad would stare at the breasts of the teenage cousins. Says his dad actually tried fondling an ex girlfriend of his to the point where she kicked him out of the car and made him walk(she was giving him a ride)) And yet the s.o.b was willing to live with his dad with our daughter until they both got evicted last August. He says he figured it was o.k. since he could protect her. But he says his dad would always be changing her diaper like if ex hopped in the shower. He said they constantly argued about it because he had told his dad not to numerous times. Ex's father moved in with a girlfriend shortly after they got evicted. I have met the woman through my part time job and always felt something was off. Well at my full time  job now I am bound by HIPPA to keep confidentiality. I read and enter all the information for our children clients. There is one boy who has been horribly abused, I can't go into details, but it's very bad. Well it turns out that this boy and his mom who is as bad as it gets lived with a registered sex offender, victim under 13. Even though DCYF is involved they haven't put two and two together because they only investigated the caregivers. The sex offender is the owner of the house that about 12 people were living in. I only know he was there because I saw his address on the registry and recognized it from entering in the little boys info. And this man lives less than 500 feet from me. Awhile ago my ex's dad was sitting in his van down the street from me. Ex had come to pick up daughter, there was this ugly scene with ex yelling at his dad, accusing him of watching me. Ex's dad said he was visiting his girlfriend. ( This was before they moved in together). We assumed he was lying. Nope his girlfriend also lived in this house. She is the former long time foster mom of the little boy's mom. She has pretty much stayed as a mother figure to this woman. So they were all living together in this house with a sex offender and a little boy being horribly abused. So the woman and the boy move last week and I have to enter their new info. They moved in with ex's dad and his girlfriend. DCYF is involved with this family but they suck here. It takes so much to remove a kid. Ever since he came to us I have been praying for him to get removed. A few days ago another report was made by his school so hopefully it will be soon. So there is disordered ex, his pervert dad, a woman who atleast was witness to child abuses and did nothing, a crazy, crazy abusive mom, a sex offender, I haven't even mentioned the drug situation going on. Also the kid has claimed that the gram was constantly in physical fights with the landlord of that house. That is what he calls ex's dad'sgirlfriend. So her and the sex offender were physically fighting in his presence. This kid is so disturbed now he set fire to his mothers bed, he is just barely 7. He was hospitalized in the state hospital for a week last month because he got so violent he couldn't be controlled. I swear I will not let my baby go into this environment.

[Turkish]

I don't  remember you writing about the diaper story.  He failed to keep his baby safe. Whatever hid dad is or did is on him, but it's your responsibility as parents to keep your child safe. In retrospect, that she used to scream and cry when her dad took her.

I read a story last year, in a book written by a 20 year police force veteran who investigated child sex crimes, which is relavent. A male member of something like a home Bible study group was caught molesting a few girls in a group who were from 3-8 years of age. They guy was a child advocate, too. The moms trusted him. During the studies, he had a few opportunities to eatch the girls in the basement for 20 min periods of time while the moms were upstairs. This was enough time for him to commit felonious sexual abuse on at least two of the girls in the middle of the age ranges in multiple occasions.

The 8 year old eventually said something. Under inteogation, the perp admitted everything.

Your Ex's father is a sick and twisted man who is in no way safe around his granddaughter without one other person present: you.