Should I try and fix it?

[Alex123]

Hi all,

This is the first time I've reached out to a group who have experience/understanding of BPD, I only recently discovered that my ex, who broke up with my after 4 years a few months ago, could have had BPD after a friend told me about it. The more I read on various blogs/websites, the more I have the wide-eyed "WOW" moments when I feel like someone is describing my relationship with intricate detail.

The reason I think my ex could have had BPD is the presence of the following symptoms: extreme moments of passionate affection coupled with manipulation/controlling behaviour (threatening breakups, dating or even sleeping with other guys if I didn't come and see her right now for example), regular harsh criticism (about a thing I did before we even met, she said it's only because she was serious and wanted me to be perfect), attempted isolation from friends and family (don't go home to your mum's birthday party), unfaithfulness (kissing someone else), excessive jealousy/distrust, excessive drinking and bouts of severe aggression (although that was only after I had been unfaithful myself).

To cut a long story short, I made a lot of sacrifices for the relationship, moved country twice, left my MBA, left a job and ultimately had to make a decision between staying with her and redoing my MBA or taking the job I had always wanted back in Switzerland (where it was unlikely she would be able to go back to). I ended up in a state of paralysis, not being able to decide and that's when it turned sour and I lived with her unemployed having lost everything that I wanted. More cruel and unfair treatment followed and I ended up sleeping with someone else and leaving her. We got back together but the trust was gone and it just got worse and worse.

I read somewhere that when a nice guy is in a relationship with a girl with BPD, there are one of two outcomes: either he will have a momentary lapse of selfishness and betray her or she will become so overwhelmed by her suspicious nature that she will convince herself that he has betrayed her. So it provides me a little comfort that this is often the outcome, as I hate myself for it.

My friends and family always told me to leave her but I couldn't, it was like being addicted to a drug that was bad for me and I paid a very high price. I just wanted to make everything better and ended up messing up my life. I read also that BPD relationships can leave a wake of destruction, if my ex did suffer from BPD then I guess the outcomes were inevitable in a way.

But now we are no longer together and she is with someone else, I have sleepless nights blaming myself for not being able to make a decision re. the MBA with her or the job in Geneva and for being unfaithful. I automatically discount/forget all the bad stuff that led up to that. I would like to write the whole story sometime, to put things in perspective but maybe I'll post it later.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hey Alex, don't beat yourself up about this. You wrote that the relationship with your ex was like a drug, and you're right. It can be very intoxicating and, like most drugs, will cause you to make decisions that might not be the best in the long run. Accept that you were under the influence and that you were addicted, and move on. You are not a failure because of this relationship and it will get better the longer you're away from it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Alex123, Who knew?  I suspect that most of us Nons had never heard of BPD before getting involved with a pwBPD.  As TheRealJongo says, don't beat yourself up.  We're all learning about this terrible disorder.  You've come to a great place where we really "get it" when it comes to BPD.  Welcome.

LuckyJim

[Alex123]

Thanks for the kind words guys. I have just finished talking with my best friend who helped me stop beating myself up by reminding me of all the unkind, cruel and manipulative things that were done to me before I had enough.

Great to be part of such a supportive community!

[JQ]

hello Alex & Welcome to the group. 

With only a handful of post here you're fairly new ... .but you've done a lot of home work & started your journey of self discovery. I echo what LuckyJim & Jongo have put out and that until you're in a r/s with a BPD you probably never heard of it & it's nothing like you've ever experienced before. It's a drug because of the interaction between you as a codependent & your BPD releases serotonin, dopamine, endorphins which can react much like a drug on the brain. it never becomes enough and you want more like an addict. And like being addicted to a drug, being addicted to someone who has a VERY SERIOUS Cluster B mental illness gives you the same emotional, behavior. You want more and more of it but never get to the original "high" from the first experience. This is where you need to look inward to yourself, seek out a therapist and see why you're possibly a codependent and how you got their through your history. This will help you not only understand this BPD romantic r/s but other r/s that you have with family & friends.

WE can't walk this journey for you ... .but will be here to help you up, dust you off so you can take the next step ... .if YOU choose too. Only you can decide what direction if any you want to go after you learn.  The 3 C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it, YOU can't Control it, YOU can't Cure it.  Learn it, know it, live it!  AS the others have said, don't beat yourself up ... .learn from it ... .a very expensive learning lesson ... .but you're not alone.

I too moved across country not once but twice at the insistence of my exBPDgf.  I like you spent thousands of dollars to reassure her, convince her, show her, tell her what she wanted to hear ... .all these before I learned about what BPD was. Once I learned what I was up against I knew that there was nothing I could do for her when 25 years of her seeing clinical physiologist, therapist, Ph.d's couldn't produce any real successful results, i had to go live MY life for me. I moved back to where I really wanted to be, sought out professional assistance in my attempt to find the reason why, what, went on. I learned that I was a codependent, a Sheriff in the white hat, the Knight in Amor and it was a learned behavior from growing up with a mother who was BPD.   I've done a deep dive on myself and now I too am a recovering codependent ... .I would encourage you to seek out your own therapist to help you sort out your thoughts into your own deep dive.  I would encourage you to get back on track of YOUR life and your MBA & Geneva ... .this is a learning lesson in life ... .move on knowing that you're better off now because you've learned more about yourself ... .

Here are some references you might not have seen to help you truly understand just how SERIOUS a Cluster B Mental Illness is ... .


Mayo Clinic defines BPD as ... .

Cluster B personality disorders

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating

Unstable or fragile self-image

Unstable and intense relationships

Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress

Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury

Intense fear of being alone or abandoned

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Frequent, intense displays of anger

Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes.

BPD as defined by John Hopkins Medical ... .

For people without a personality disorder, personality traits are patterns of thinking, reacting, and behaving that remain relatively consistent and stable over time. People with a personality disorder display more rigid thinking and reacting behaviors that make it hard for them to adapt to a situation. These behaviors often disrupt their personal, professional, and social lives.Examples of dramatic/erratic (Cluster B) personality disorders

Borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder are not stable in their perceptions of themselves, and have difficulty keeping stable relationships. Moods may also be inconsistent, but never neutral. Their sense of reality is always seen in "black and white." People with borderline personality disorder often feel as though they lacked a certain level of nurturing while growing up. As a result, they constantly seek a higher level of caretaking from others as adults. This may be achieved through manipulation of others, leaving them often feeling empty, angry, and abandoned, which may lead to desperate and impulsive behavior.

Narcissistic personality disorder. People with this disorder present severely overly-inflated feelings of self-worth, grandness, and superiority over others. People with narcissistic personality disorder often exploit others who fail to admire them. They are overly sensitive to criticism, judgment, and defeat.

BPD as defined my a Harvard Medical study ... .

BPD is believed to emerge from an interaction between genes and environment. The major twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in diagnostic concordance. This concordance rate is similar to that found in bipolar disorder and stronger than rates for depression or anxiety. Functional MRI studies of BPD patients show abnormalities in the amygdala (an almond-sized and shaped brain structure linked with a person's mental and emotional state) and the prefrontal cortex (a part of the brain associated with planning, reasoning, solving problems and regulating thoughts, feelings and behaviors).Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a severe mental illness seen in approximately 20% of inpatient and outpatient clinical samples and between 1.2% and 5.9% of the general population. It can co-occur with other disorders, but studies of its heritability, diagnostic validity/reliability, and of specific treatments indicate that it is best considered an independent disorder that negatively affects the patient's treatment response to comorbid disorders, particularly mood disorders.

Borderline Personality Disorder is severe and can be lethal, with an estimated 65-70% of individuals making at least one suicide attempt and 10% dying by suicide. Persons with BPD are high utilizers of treatment, especially emergency departments and inpatient hospitalizations - the most expensive forms of psychiatric treatment.

With all of that being said ... .we can't & won't tell you what you should think or do ... .we can educate you on the Cluster B mental illness ... .what we have experienced ... .I can tell you from not one but 2 exBPDgf that everything you wrote is very common in the world of BPD.  You saw  Red Flag Red Flag Red Flag Red Flag ... .with everything that you have read & learned ... .and with the definitions above ... .what does your logical thinking tell you? 

[Alex123]

Firstly, thank you to all three of you for taking the time to read my post and reply to it. It is very much appreciated.

I find myself thinking that there were many times when my ex was normal and loving, and that perhaps I am jumping to a conclusion by thinking she does suffer from BPD... .Perhaps it was just the situation of having to do long distance and my difficulty making decisions over job/MBA... .as you can see I'm taking most of the blame on these days and forgetting the problems and unreasonable behaviour. Crazy as it sounds all I wish for is to be back together and to try and fix things (perhaps indicative of the addictive codependent relationship), but alas she has moved on and has told me she is falling for this new guy and that she thinks he feels the same.

She says the fact I left her twice to try and be with another girl means she will never trust me again and that there's no point of a relationship without trust... .But what she doesn't seem to understand is that my trying to leave was a symptom of how I was being treated, and that if she had just been kind and supportive that I wouldn't have felt the need to leave. Now I find myself writing a letter trying to explain that and wondering if she will see that I wasn't a lying, cheating boyfriend but someone who was being treated so cruelly that I just wanted to escape. I wish I had had the guts at the time to bring up how unfair I thought some of the treatment was and actually have been willing to leave, but then I know I couldn't because I suffer from conflict avoidance. I guess a kind, sensitive, indecisive, conflict avoiding person who will sacrifice anything for his relationship is a bit of a disaster personality type to end up with a BPD, if indeed that is what she suffers from.

I constantly wish I could go back and perhaps stay in Geneva or stay in the flat I moved to in London with her and commute to Oxford (although that did take away a lot of the reason I was going to Oxford). Then at least I wouldn't blame myself for the relationship having not worked out.

Friends and family say I need to remember all the break up threats, unreasonable demands (not going home for my/my mums birthday celebration, commuting from London to do my MBA in Oxford, paying half the rent when I was unemployed, berating me for mistakes I made in the past before we met and hitting me in the face several times with her hand, a metal mask, a glass and a  cigarette), but I find myself focusing on the good times and how I could have made a choice that would have made things better and avoided self blame.

I'm not sure if this is the kind of things people are here to help with and feel like a little bit of a whining idiot who should just learn from his mistakes and move on... .

[Lucky Jim]

I guess a kind, sensitive, indecisive, conflict avoiding person who will sacrifice anything for his relationship is a bit of a disaster personality type to end up with a BPD, if indeed that is what she suffers from.

Hey Alex, I agree, those qualities make one particularly susceptible to a r/s with a person w/BPD.  In general, we Nons tend to have codependent tendencies, which is why we care take another rather than care for ourselves.  It's an admirable quality in other contexts, but creates a perfect storm in a BPD r/s, in my view.

No, I doubt that you "could have made a choice that would have made things better" so don't beat yourself up.  It's natural to blame yourself after a b/u with a pwBPD, but the reality is that your actions had little to do with the outcome.  Just the way it is, in my view.

LuckyJim