Help Convince me that BPD is real.

[Big M]

My 15 year old daughter is newly diagnosed, although I've suspected a personality disorder for some time.  She is doing a lot of the typical BPD things, self-harm, apathy, manipulation, poor grades, etc.  She doesn't really do the anger thing much, at least in her public interactions.  She does get angry with my wife and myself, when she doesn't get her way, or when we've taken away privileges (always with good reason).  I guess like many BPD parents, I often feel like my daughter is "playing" her parents and her therapist as well.  I've done a lot of research about BPD and I'm aware that the psychiatric community thinks it's very real, but some days, like today, I just feel like I'm being scammed by a lazy and entitled teenager, who doesn't like the "system" and has figured out a way to make it work for her.   I guess this is a pretty common reaction among BPD parents, how do you get past it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[michmom]

Hello Big M,

Two years ago, I was right where you are.  My husband and I were confused.  Angry.  We expected that our BPD daughter was "manipulating" us to get what she wanted because from our perspective, she had everything a child could want and was now a teenager wanting total freedom without responsibility. We could find no major crisis or event that caused her dysregulation.  She was first diagnosed with Major Depression, then came Bi-polar disorder and attempts to medicate made matters worse.  I suspected all along the doctors and therapists had it wrong.  A wise therapist of my daughter told me to stop and ask myself this question.  What reasonable and rational person displays behaviors that hurts themselves and their interpersonal relationships with individuals they are currently dependent on?    Once you answer this question, you will see your daughters untold internal trauma differently.  There are many things going on inside our daughters that they cannot cope with and don't have the ability yet to express.  I researched every disorder up and down and two years ago I became convinced that BPD fit my daughters experience.  :)BT skills training and therapy along with medication has improved things greatly for my daughter.  My education has also begun and DBT skills have helped me understand my daughters condition more and helped me, help her, by not making things worse.  Let me know what you think and if you haven't read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus, I'd strongly recommend it.

[Big M]

Hello Big M,

Two years ago, I was right where you are.  My husband and I were confused.  Angry.  We expected that our BPD daughter was "manipulating" us to get what she wanted because from our perspective, she had everything a child could want and was now a teenager wanting total freedom without responsibility. We could find no major crisis or event that caused her dysregulation.  She was first diagnosed with Major Depression, then came Bi-polar disorder and attempts to medicate made matters worse.  I suspected all along the doctors and therapists had it wrong.  A wise therapist of my daughter told me to stop and ask myself this question.  What reasonable and rational person displays behaviors that hurts themselves and their interpersonal relationships with individuals they are currently dependent on?    Once you answer this question, you will see your daughters untold internal trauma differently.  There are many things going on inside our daughters that they cannot cope with and don't have the ability yet to express.  I researched every disorder up and down and two years ago I became convinced that BPD fit my daughters experience.  :)BT skills training and therapy along with medication has improved things greatly for my daughter.  My education has also begun and DBT skills have helped me understand my daughters condition more and helped me, help her, by not making things worse.  Let me know what you think and if you haven't read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus, I'd strongly recommend it.

 

Thank you for your insight.  My intellectual side knows it's real.  But she can really work over your emotions sometimes, to where you're not sure of anything any more.  She is starting DBT today, but she is VERY unmotivated to get better right now, she seems to be unable to accept that it has to start with her.

[DPT]

I have felt the same way on several occasions, and continually struggle with feeling that way about my daughter. But the more I read and reflect on past actions the puzzle pieces start falling into place. In my case that feeling comes to me when I am angry with her, but when I start regulating my emotions, and can take a step back I seem to see it more clearly.  That is why it is so important to set boundaries, not only for your dsughter, but got yourself .

[SlyQQ]

You  are being scammed but that doesn't mean it is not part an parcel  of a very real condition with very little trust an  out to get me attitude, I found the most tell tale marker was black an white thinking / splitting.

If you are being outright conned this is a very unusual tactic.

[Rockieplace]

Hi Big M,  we have felt exactly the same at times.  My BPDD is 33 years old and has only recently been diagnosed after a severe crisis.  I always would describe her as 'troubled' but couldn't pin it down to anything more than that.  Other family members just thought that she was not a nice person!  She used to divide and rule too by being so sweet and vulnerable with her dad while being absolutely cold and nasty to me.  However, she accepted her diagnosis and that surprised me as she is a qualified mental health nurse and had always expressed a dislike for working with BPD patients.  When reading more about it I started to remember events and situations in the past which made sense only in the light of the diagnosis.  My daughter didn't 'rage' either until recently but other than that she fitted the criteria totally.  This site has helped me enormously to better understand how she is feeling although it is still very much a work in progress.  I'm very committed to 'not making things worse' at the moment.  Good luck.  You are in good company here and will find lots of support.   

[Lollypop]

Hi

I completely understand. My BPDs 25 has always been difficult, tricky. I can see how we dealt with him has impacted on him. At times we really got it wrong. he was diagnosed last sept 15. My initial reaction was "oh, just another "label" disorder. I'm ashamed to say this as it was even despite us knowing that there was something underlying. We just couldn't distinguish if it was the drugs causing the behaviours, perhaps they were even the cause or have made him worse. Of course he swears they make him better.

I don't know if BPD is just another name for "spoilt brat syndrome". It doesn't really matter to me though. What I do know is that all the shouting, pushing, pulling, manipulating, silence, talking, helping, cajoling, crying has all made it worse. So we've finally accepted we need to change to try and help in another way. We completely changed our approach and are currently working on building up relationships within the family and trust. Bpds has started to change his own behaviours but quite honestly we are at the beginning. We are exploring a way forward. We've accepted his stance on smoking weed every day as self medication. I keep on gently with encouragement to get into treatment, the drugs aren't the answer to his problems.

With this stability I can clearly see his "real" behaviours (always in the knowledge he smokes weed every day), not the reactionary ones to our behaviours. It's been enlightening and learning on this site. We can see the limitations of his thought processes.

I know DBT works, there's evidence of it but I can't help but feel that left to his own devices, without our enabling,  he'd see the light by fending for himself. We just can't throw him out in the street but I reserve that right if we choose at some point in the future. I've also learnt that many just sort of mature out of it.?For now, today, all is calm and we see real signs of progress. That doesn't mean we don't get frustrated or doubt ourselves every day.

I pray each day he'll seek the treatment he needs OR leaves our house. That's where we are, not ideal and we feel sometimes we do all the bending. I know some of you disagree with our approach as yes, we are currently enabling.

So I put the questions out there to others more experienced

"does it matter if BPD exists or not?"

"Isn't this about us changing so we can get them to learn how to change their behaviours?"

Thanks for reading

L

[Lollypop]

Hi

Just to be clear:

Not in a manipulative way but by showing real empathy and Have a better understanding

L

[wendydarling]

Hello Big M 

Is it real? It is in our house.     

I'm sorry your daughter is troubled accepting the diagnosis and help under her nose, it's appears to be par for the course - part of the process.  My 27 year daughter hid her pain for half her life, she was a responsible young teenager, A grades and degree ... .but started with eating disorder and then self harming ... .drinking... .each symptoms gradually consuming her until it became so unbearable in it's manifestation - she was diagnosed last July and placed on a waiting list. Since then she has been fighting hard to keep well, but it eventually gets the better of you when no treatment is in place. Today she returned home after a month in a crisis house.  She finally received the news DBT starts in April and they have changed her medication today.

She now calls BPD - ED, emotions disorder because that is what it is for her.

I recognise how painful it is for you to see a loved one not willing or able to realise that only they can make themselves better. It's a common conversation on this site, along with a lack of treatment opportunities.  I'd like to offer you and everyone some hope, my daughter finally 'gets it, owns it and accepts it', it's been a long hard journey, let's see how she manages when treatment starts in April (I understand to expect relapses during treatment). Like you my daughter has read extensively and that helped her identify and also understand she can manage the disorder if she chooses to and that family and friends are here with her. 

We've worked hard and will work harder. Today I feel strong, other days I might struggle if I feel my 'my own fear', it always passes and a brighter day comes along.

Lollypop, so very true, empathy and understanding. I often spend time thinking how it would feel like for me as a teenager dealing with an emotional disorder. That makes me just want to work harder. It's real for your daughter and for her to know you are there, understand and are fighting for her to get well, is all she needs, forever.

Mitchmom said it all "A wise therapist of my daughter told me to stop and ask myself this question.  What reasonable and rational person displays behaviors that hurts themselves and their interpersonal relationships with individuals they are currently dependent on?    Once you answer this question, you will see your daughters untold internal trauma differently.  There are many things going on inside our daughters that they cannot cope with and don't have the ability yet to express."

Take care and keep posting, it helps us.

WDx