The ramblings of a Mom...

[LeeSuhMac]

Hi. My name is Lisa. I am the Duel Parent of two girls. One will be 18 in June, the other will be 15 in 5 days. My oldest has been recently diagnosed with BPD. I have been told MANY different diagnoses over the years. 14 years of diagnoses to be exact.

I first realized there was something very different about my baby when she was just starting to crawl. It was different. Her reactions were different. Her mannerisms were different. If someone or something startled her, she didn't just cry, she became TERRIFIED. No matter where she was at that moment, it was as though she couldn't find me fast enough. Her facial features reflected her fear just at the knock on a door. It was so sad to see this. At the same time she was behaving this way, she was also advancing at such a rapid pace in her growth chart. She did EVERYTHING early except get teeth. Her first tooth was not until 11 months old. But she was walking before a year old. Able to successfully converse with people at 18 months of age. The kinds of conversations that had people asking me Just how old is she really?

My daughter could read chapter books at age 3. I remember introducing her to a Thesaurus and explaining to her it's purpose. She was intrigued and carried it with her everywhere.  So determined to find new ways to say the same thing each day. This has spilled over to even now. She expresses herself with unique words. With the exception of when she's in her ANGER of course. Then it's the most vulgar language.

Fast forward... .

By the time she was 15 she has attempted suicide MANY times. She mutilates herself to make herself feel better or to control the rage she's in at the time. She's angry, ecstatic, depressed, happy, sad, terrified, hyper, fearful, violent, aggressive, repressive,  sobbing, laughing uncontrollably, cursing, screaming, not speaking, whispering... .All of these reactions can and have occurred within the span of a day. The most extreme of these behaviors are generally a daily occurence. I have been physically assaulted by my daughter MANY times. She has attempted to kill me a few times and has also assaulted and attempted to kill her little sister three times.

Fast forward to the present day... .

She has now been hospitalized 15 times. She has attempted suicide many more times in the past two years. Extremely violent attempts. One where she swallowed over 250 Quick Release Tylenol PM. There was nothing I could do to stop her. I did try and she hit me. So I called 911... .again. When paramedics arrived she had jumped into the creek and began throwing rocks and mud at the officers. They eventually surrounded her and dragged her out. All the while she's laughing maniacally and cursing at me. They kept her inpatient for a week past three months. Two days later, with absolutely no cause for alarm given, she simply DECIDED she wanted to die and stepped in front of a jeep on the highway. I watched in horror,  begging the police to hurry. I fainted... .

This past August, after learning she had been participating in sexual activities in public, i  attempted to forbid her from leaving the house.  FAILED. I finally had no choice but to swear out an Order of Protective Custody through the coroner's office. She was brought to the hospital and admitted immediately after an assessment.  I could no longer allow her back home. I tried EVERYTHING I could to have her sent to a long term facility. Insurance companies have ultimate power and deneed me. My last desperate attempt was to give her to the DCFS office. Only to be told I was not allowed to give her up but they would gladly remove my younger child to keep her safe. Also I would be arrested if I did not get my daughter from the hospital. So whenow they released her, I refused to pick her up. I lost custody of her and now Foster Care is doing EVERYTHING I begged the state to do to begin with. However, they are on my side. The worker told me every person she's spoker to about my daughter has relayed that they've spoken to me at least once. I even filed a complaint with the Governors office against the Dept. Of Health and Hospitals. The Governors office appealed on my daughters behalf against the insurance companies decision. Of course we won, but not was too late, I had lost custody. Sinice that day, I've been going to see her at least one weekend a month. A 11 hour drive round trip.  She's been issued two summons for simple battery on a staff member and a client. I'm doing EVERYTHING I can think of to find her a place to stay once she ages out of foster care. She absolutely cannot come home. I've contemplated leaving my youngest daughter with my parents so I can take care of my oldest. I worry she will end up on the streets.  Drinking, doing drugs, even prostitution is a valid fear I have for her future. I just cannot do that to my youngest though. She deserves me to raise her.

Thank you so much for allowing me to tell a shortened version of our story. I welcome ALL feedback as I have been doing this alone with the constant NON DOCTORS (family members) opinions. I'm sure many of you can relate.

Have a wonderful evening and again I look forward to any and all feedback.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustAMum]

Hi Lisa,

I have an almost 18yr old d too. She first got sick with an eating disorder and was diagnosed unofficially with BPD at around 15. Her psych won't officially diagnose her until she's 18. She also has self harmed in the past to the extreme where she has needed over 20 stitches. She is horribly scarred on her arms and upper thighs. In 2014 she tried to OD and ended up in hospital for 3 days. She sees her psych every 3 weeks. She is still in school. I have dealt with her mental illness mainly alone as I am a sole parent. My d mainly suffers from depression and still has thoughts of self harming. I have an older d as well who is still at home. I try not to leave my d at home alone very much in fear that she will hurt herself again. I always seem to be holding my breath for the next crisis as with my d it's always extreme. I don't really have any advice to give only support and friendship.

Hugs