18 years of secrets

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

This is my first time speaking of the discoveries that have torn my life apart. Over the past 5 months I have uncovered truths about my wife of 16 years and I am completely devastated. After 2 therapists, lots of lying and a psychologist, my wife has been diagnosed with BPD. She has admitted to 7 affairs so far. She has been lying to everyone in our lives about me. People I've never even met are convinced that I am a dangerous man. I've been accused of keeping my wife prisoner in our home. I can go on and on but I believe you can figure the rest out. I have two sons,9 and 11, I am terrified what would happen if they ever discovered the truth about their Mom... .I'm looking for any advice on separating and how to talk to my boys?

Thank you...

[Arcjitsu]

Hello,

This is my first time speaking of the discoveries that have torn my life apart. Over the past 5 months I have uncovered truths about my wife of 16 years and I am completely devastated. After 2 therapists, lots of lying and a psychologist, my wife has been diagnosed with BPD. She has admitted to 7 affairs so far. She has been lying to everyone in our lives about me. People I've never even met are convinced that I am a dangerous man. I've been accused of keeping my wife prisoner in our home. I can go on and on but I believe you can figure the rest out. I have two sons,9 and 11, I am terrified what would happen if they ever discovered the truth about their Mom... .I'm looking for any advice on separating and how to talk to my boys?

Thank you...

[Ms.Perfect]

about separation better to talk with lawyer.

I wouldn't say anything to boys about her unfaithfullness. That is adult relationships between woman and man. Not kid-mom relationships. She can be very good mom to them.

They (BPD) have big sexual drive and energy , may be you two didn't match in that and this is not kids fault. 

I have a friend , her husband needed sex 1 time a year and she needed 4 times a month (about) so how she could stay ? She didn't cheat but now in separation . But it was the ONLY 1 reason why she left. 

So we do not know what kind of relationships you had with her.

But for kids nice psychological mind better do not know anything bad. They have ONLY ONE MOM. And for them better to believe she is good one, as well as you are as Dad.

[Ms.Perfect]

How did she tell you about 7! she could say only 1 and it was a mistake hmmm… why to say  all secrets ... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Arcjitsu, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  I'm sorry to learn what you are going through.  What I want you to know is that many (including me) have been down this path before you, so your situation is not unique.  You are not alone, my friend, as we all strive to cope with this personality disorder from which so many of our spouses and SO's suffer. 

Concerning what to say to your boys, I concur with ms. perfect.  No reason for you to discuss your W's affairs, which are her business.  I consciously avoid saying anything disparaging about my BPDxW to my kids and let them come to their own conclusions.

Feel free to share more about your marriage, when you are ready.

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

Hello Arcjitsu,

I'd like to join thevothers in welcoming you here 

Adult stuff is adult stuff for sure. I kicked my Ex out after she refused to stop leading a double life. The kids were then 1 and 3, so less of an issue than what may be with your sons. I only got, "where's Mommy?" a lot. I hated lying to my children, and refused to live like that. It took four months for her to move out. Our then turned 4 year old got it, kind of, and it caused issues (because she introduced the kids to the guy she left me for right after she moved out).

Kids should be told the truth age appropriately, if you seperate. Still it's not something I would volunteer. Just validate their feelings (we have tools and can give you support over on the Co-parenting Board if it comes to this). The point is that they may likely figure things out, but she is still their only mother.

That being said, what are your boys aware of, and how are they handling things now?

Are you sure about seperating? Is there any hope here?We can support you either way, no matter the path, no judgements. These are immensely complicated issues.

This discuss may help given that your children are involved:

Staying/Leaving for the kids?




Turkish

[Arcjitsu]

I apologize if my question was misleading. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to the boys about mom and dad separating. No amount of pain or suffering would justify damaging my sons by telling them about the things mommy did. The " affairs " were all one nighters.Business trip or seminar. 7 men over 16 years. 16 times in total.

.

So difficult to understand her actions. She's a loving and caring mother. Our sex life has always been healthy. We always made sure to put aside time for us. Every relationship has ups and downs, has challenges and takes constant work. Sometimes life gets in the way and you neglect the marriage but we always tried. I guess I just tried harder. I had a right to know.  It's degrading to have the choice of staying or leaving taken from you. Realizing you were slowly isolated and manipulated by indirect behaviours and subtle pleas makes me feel used . Like a doormat.

When the truth came out all the focus was on her.  I was the bad guy.  She has never blamed me for her actions and stated this clearly to her family and the 1 or 2 friends who were told but I was still accused of terrible things.  We now know that 16 years of half truths , one sided stories and victim playing (this was all new to me) has given everybody  the wrong idea about the kind of husband and father I am. Her behaviors are all out and she's a mess . lost 15 pounds, crying and shaking. But this isn't about her. This is about me and what's best for the boys. I'm being pulled into her " recovery ". I know I'm neglecting my own wants and needs but I am completely lost. No clue where to start.

[Lucky Jim]

This is about me and what's best for the boys. I'm being pulled into her " recovery ". I know I'm neglecting my own wants and needs but I am completely lost. No clue where to start.

Hey Arc, The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  Treat yourself with care and compassion.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Strive to pick up the threads of your life that you probably dropped in the turmoil of a BPD r/s.  Suggest you detach and disengage from her "recovery," as you already have enough on your plate.  Get back to being yourself and treating yourself with kindness.  Don't beat yourself up.  Accept that you've made some mistakes.  So what?  We all have.  time to move on.

LuckyJim