Worsening situation BPD spouse and inappropriate relationships

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, it's been many years since I posted here, and I have made it through 15 years of ups and downs with my BPD wife, who although diagnosed, and although willing to take some meds (prozac and buspirone), does not accept the diagnosis. She has most of the common traits, but has never exhibited self-harm or serious suicidal thoughts or threats. In addition to big mood swings, compulsive lying, hypocrisy at its finest, fear of abandonment, etc. she also has had an addiction to inappropriate relationships. I have caught her texting, sexting, sending suggestive photos, she even posted on a cheating website. On occasion, I have caught her meeting up with these people, but as best I can tell, it rarely if ever gets physical. She lures them in, gets their attention, secretively communicates, and usually eventually tires of them and moves on. When I have caught her, I have told her to stop, told her how damaging it is, etc. She says she will stop, but starts back up again.

Upon a lot of reflection, I seem to have come to the conclusion, that this secretive, inappropriate stuff is her drug of choice to keep her from the extreme anger, obsessiveness, anxiety, etc. that torments her. There is something about this that psychologically soothes her demons.

A couple of months ago, she asked about girls that I have ever dated and whether or not they were friends on Facebook, and whether or not they have communicated with me. I told her that yes, one has, and I get a couple of emails a year from her, and I respond in a friendly, totally innocuous way. I was able to find a couple emails from a couple of months prior and showed them to her. It was the usual "how are you doing, how are the kids, etc." Nothing suggestive, nothing inappropriate. This was someone I dated over 20 years ago. She was furious and obsessed how neither one of us mentioned our spouses, and that there must be bad intentions, if not on my part, then at least on her part. I validated her feelings, told her that it was wrong for me to communicate behind her back, apologized, reassured her that I had no interest in her, and that my only feelings were for my wife.

Needless to say, this has been the subject of nearly non-stop harassment, attacks, criticism, etc. for over two months now. Right around that time, in a moment of clarity, she swore off her inappropriate relationships, and said that now that she's how hurtful this is, she will never do it again. Now, as I've said, my emails were a few times a year and completely innocuous. Her indiscretions involved often times 50-100 texts per day, long phone calls, secret meet-ups, provocative photos, and more.

I do not bring up her past at all, until she decides to launch a withering attack on me for what I have done. I take it and take it and take it, before I finally push back and point out the crazy hypocrisy.

In an effort to appease for the horrible "atrocity" I have committed, I have showered her with attention, delivered flowers, planned a romantic getaway, and bought her a very expensive ring. (I know, probably the wrong thing to do, but I have middle school aged children, and I am doing whatever I can to keep the marriage and family together). As many of you know, when she is "right" she is charming, fun, beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful to be around, but at the drop of the hat, she turns into the angriest, nasty, hateful, confrontational person you can ever imagine.

I know this is long, but the crux of this is that it appears to me that since she has stopped her addiction to inappropriate relationships (as far as I can tell), she is unable to turn the demon switch off in her brain. Her obsessions and her attacks on me are relentless. I have had to leave the house multiple times just to escape. She is like a terrorist, unwilling or unable to stop despite the tremendous destruction and damage she is doing to our marriage and to our family. The kids are suffering as well. I feel helpless. Appeasement is no longer working, yet drawing a hard line and walking out or getting some sort of separation is almost certainly the prelude to a full mental breakdown on her part. Of course any time I suggest marriage counseling, she flat out refuses. She realizes at some level that her behavior, when out in the open and discussed, would be abhorrent. She will not allow for any sort of moderated discussion.

It is at the breaking point, and today, she is saying things like "we will go back to the way it was where you do your thing and I do mine, no questions asked." She is in effect saying that she needs to go back to these inappropriate relationships. I responded by pointing out my theory about her addiction and how it is her drug of choice to quiet her demons. Very similar to an alcoholic or drug addict trying to come off it. She responded with about 50 more texts in a row about my emails and how wrong and terrible they were. She justifies her indiscretions with an excuse that I wasn't giving her enough attention. I'm at a loss. I feel helpless, I feel scared for my kids, and I feel scared for her. Have any of you experienced similar? Do I tell her it is ok to just go back to her secretive relationships? I just don't see a way out!

[Onaride]

Hi all, it's been many years since I posted here, and I have made it through 15 years of ups and downs with my BPD wife, who although diagnosed, and although willing to take some meds (prozac and buspirone), does not accept the diagnosis. She has most of the common traits, but has never exhibited self-harm or serious suicidal thoughts or threats. In addition to big mood swings, compulsive lying, hypocrisy at its finest, fear of abandonment, etc. she also has had an addiction to inappropriate relationships. I have caught her texting, sexting, sending suggestive photos, she even posted on a cheating website. On occasion, I have caught her meeting up with these people, but as best I can tell, it rarely if ever gets physical. She lures them in, gets their attention, secretively communicates, and usually eventually tires of them and moves on. When I have caught her, I have told her to stop, told her how damaging it is, etc. She says she will stop, but starts back up again.

Upon a lot of reflection, I seem to have come to the conclusion, that this secretive, inappropriate stuff is her drug of choice to keep her from the extreme anger, obsessiveness, anxiety, etc. that torments her. There is something about this that psychologically soothes her demons.

A couple of months ago, she asked about girls that I have ever dated and whether or not they were friends on Facebook, and whether or not they have communicated with me. I told her that yes, one has, and I get a couple of emails a year from her, and I respond in a friendly, totally innocuous way. I was able to find a couple emails from a couple of months prior and showed them to her. It was the usual "how are you doing, how are the kids, etc." Nothing suggestive, nothing inappropriate. This was someone I dated over 20 years ago. She was furious and obsessed how neither one of us mentioned our spouses, and that there must be bad intentions, if not on my part, then at least on her part. I validated her feelings, told her that it was wrong for me to communicate behind her back, apologized, reassured her that I had no interest in her, and that my only feelings were for my wife.

Needless to say, this has been the subject of nearly non-stop harassment, attacks, criticism, etc. for over two months now. Right around that time, in a moment of clarity, she swore off her inappropriate relationships, and said that now that she's how hurtful this is, she will never do it again. Now, as I've said, my emails were a few times a year and completely innocuous. Her indiscretions involved often times 50-100 texts per day, long phone calls, secret meet-ups, provocative photos, and more.

I do not bring up her past at all, until she decides to launch a withering attack on me for what I have done. I take it and take it and take it, before I finally push back and point out the crazy hypocrisy.

In an effort to appease for the horrible "atrocity" I have committed, I have showered her with attention, delivered flowers, planned a romantic getaway, and bought her a very expensive ring. (I know, probably the wrong thing to do, but I have middle school aged children, and I am doing whatever I can to keep the marriage and family together). As many of you know, when she is "right" she is charming, fun, beautiful, intelligent, and wonderful to be around, but at the drop of the hat, she turns into the angriest, nasty, hateful, confrontational person you can ever imagine.

I know this is long, but the crux of this is that it appears to me that since she has stopped her addiction to inappropriate relationships (as far as I can tell), she is unable to turn the demon switch off in her brain. Her obsessions and her attacks on me are relentless. I have had to leave the house multiple times just to escape. She is like a terrorist, unwilling or unable to stop despite the tremendous destruction and damage she is doing to our marriage and to our family. The kids are suffering as well. I feel helpless. Appeasement is no longer working, yet drawing a hard line and walking out or getting some sort of separation is almost certainly the prelude to a full mental breakdown on her part. Of course any time I suggest marriage counseling, she flat out refuses. She realizes at some level that her behavior, when out in the open and discussed, would be abhorrent. She will not allow for any sort of moderated discussion.

It is at the breaking point, and today, she is saying things like "we will go back to the way it was where you do your thing and I do mine, no questions asked." She is in effect saying that she needs to go back to these inappropriate relationships. I responded by pointing out my theory about her addiction and how it is her drug of choice to quiet her demons. Very similar to an alcoholic or drug addict trying to come off it. She responded with about 50 more texts in a row about my emails and how wrong and terrible they were. She justifies her indiscretions with an excuse that I wasn't giving her enough attention. I'm at a loss. I feel helpless, I feel scared for my kids, and I feel scared for her. Have any of you experienced similar? Do I tell her it is ok to just go back to her secretive relationships? I just don't see a way out!

[Onaride]

I just wanted to give an update, actually a positive one at that. I know positive developments in these relationships are often hard to come by and need to be savored. Probably a week or so after my post above, I pulled she and the kids together. I said that this chaos is very damaging to our family. I asked my wife in front of the family if she would be willing to go to marriage counseling. Knowing she would refuse, I then suggested family counseling for all of us. She refused that also, but said she would return to her own counselor on her own terms. I then asked the children if they would be interested in going to counseling, since this has been so stressful on them, and they had gone once before several years earlier. They both readily agreed to it.

The next day, out of nowhere, my wife told me that she wanted to apologize to me and she wanted to do so in front of the children. She followed through on it and offered a sincere apology. Both kids were thrilled, as was I of course. I can count on one hand how many times she has apologized to me over the years, and this was definitely a first in front of the kids.

This was clearly a turning point, and I knew it. She would and will have a hard time justifying this crazy, irrational anger in front of the kids in the future after such an open apology. I don't know for sure, but I think the fear that the kids would open up to outsiders about what they were witnessing as far as her rage was concerned, was probably the key motivator. One of the insidious things about BPD as far as my experience goes, is that the crazy monster is hidden away from the public for the most part, and the fear of exposure can be very powerful.

I'm happy to report that things have been significantly better for a couple of weeks now. I know this is not the end of the craziness, but it is far better, and she is also successfully staying away from the addiction to the inappropriate relationships. She is needing lots and lots of attention, and daily reassurances, but that is well worth it for her to lead a healthier life and for us to have a healthier relationship.

[umberto]

Hey Onaride,

From what I gather from your posts your wife has repeatedly been unfaithful to you over your 15 year marriage and now she has been upset at you for 2 months for a fairly innocent email. She also seems to blames you for her infidelity for not giving her enough attention rather than taking responsibility for herself. The thing is, it isn't your fault and there's nothing you can do to stop her.

I think 15 years is a long enough time to form a realistic opinion on another person and if this has happened repeatedly, then it is safe to say she doesn't respect your marriage enough to stay faithful (or is not able/willing to restrain her desires for other men) and she will probably continue eventually because she knows you will stay with her like you have every other time.

I understand that you love her and want your marriage to work, for yourself and your kids. But when do you draw the line of her actions being unacceptable? For most people, an unfaithful partner is grounds for ending the relationship, but some can forgive if the partner takes responsibility and puts in work to regain trust. But after repeated incidents over a long period of time... .the trust would be completely destroyed. You deserve better than that and aren't obligated to stay with her.

Why do you even want to stay with her after all her betrayals? If she cheated again, would you leave her, or give her yet another chance?

[vortex of confusion]

What you describe of your wife's behavior sounds like sex and/or love addiction. My stbx is a sex addict. The impact that it can have on a spouse is huge. He lost a job for looking at porn at work. He is in a 12 step program for sex addiction. He considers himself sober because he no longer looks at porn or self pleasures. Since we are separated, he sees no problem with posting and answering ads online. It boggles my mind how he does not seem to get this stuff. He wanted us to have an open relationship. I went along with it. I thought that it would make things better. I was tired of being alone and ignored. So, after 15 years, he decided that we should see other people. I am currently seeing somebody and we are separated. I don't know how many people he is "talking to" right now. Last I saw, it was two. Plus, he has an OKCupid profile.

I know that you are feeling like things are on a positive note. That is part of the cycle. It might help you to read stuff for spouses of sex addicts. Being the spouse of somebody that continually seeks out stuff like that is very painful and hurtful. For me, it felt like the ultimate form of rejection. There have been so many times in the last 18 years that I have had such high hopes for things. Get some counseling for yourself if you can.

 This stuff is very difficult.