And now we are separated...

[flourdust]

Like it says in the title, my wife and I have separated.

She spent the past few weeks in hotels and just today moved into an apartment. I had movers bring a bunch of stuff over to her -- some furniture, housewares. I wanted to send more -- because I don't think she's ever coming back -- but she was adamant that she wanted minimal furniture. She wouldn't even take the bed, because she was worried that D10 would freak out if mommy's bed was gone. There wasn't really any point in trying to argue with her, and when we did have some disagreements over this separation, she would dysregulate and start to threaten to cancel it and move back in and make me move out.

So, in the interest of just getting her settled out of the house, I agreed to some silly terms that will cost a bit more -- but better than having the whole agreement collapse.

D10 is adjusting well. She's continuing to do well in school and in her other activities. I keep our household routine -- not all that difficult, as BPDw didn't do much. The wife is still picking her up in the afternoons and watching her until I get home from work, and she's going to spend alternate weekends and two dinners each week with BPDw. I have some concerns about this. BPDw and D10 have been fighting most afternoons, sometimes getting physical with each other. I'm trying not to get in the middle of this -- it's her parenting time, and I'm not going to be drawn into the triangle -- but I am documenting for the custody case.

D10 has some bouts of sadness and anger, but they are short-lived. When she saw the boxes and furniture packed up and ready to move, she poked around for a bit. She was reassured that her mom wasn't taking any of her furniture (these are the kind of prosaic questions kids wonder about). I asked her how she was feeling about this new routine, and she said "It's weird... .but things seem to be fine, I guess." Inside, I was celebrating -- she's adapting to this!

Every now and then, my wife panics and starts spewing complaints at me -- the general theme is that she's making all the sacrifices, and I'm winning everything, and I need to show her that I'm going to make all kinds of changes to prove it is worth it to her, because she has nothing, is worthless, etc. I'm being very careful not to be pulled in too deep. We're going to continue with MC, to supposedly work out how to repair the relationship through this separation. I don't have any expectations of that, but I will lay it on the line, if given a chance -- I want to see accountability from her. I want her to own her responsibility for her abusive actions and commit to changing them.

I don't believe she'll accept that, but it is honest. And now that I have her out of the house, I'm in a strong position when I file for divorce, which will most likely be within the next two months.

[Panda39]

Hi flourdust,

I just wanted to throw a suggestion out there and that is to let your daughter's teacher and school counselor know of the separation. Just so D10 has support if she needs it and in case mom starts acting out in that arena.

I hope you all get through this the best you can. 

Panda39

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you've got all your ducks in a row, flourdust. I'm glad that your daughter seems to be adapting well. You'll be able to provide stability for her while her mother creates conflict.

I grew up with a BPD mom and though my parents contemplated divorce, they stayed together for my sake. I'm not sure that was the best option. My dad got so worn out dealing with her endless emotional chaos.

Adolescence and teen years are hard enough without having a crazy mom creating trouble where none need exist. I think it will be great to provide your daughter with a quiet refuge away from the sturm und drang.

[flourdust]

Hi flourdust,

I just wanted to throw a suggestion out there and that is to let your daughter's teacher and school counselor know of the separation. Just so D10 has support if she needs it and in case mom starts acting out in that arena.

I hope you all get through this the best you can. 

Panda39

Thank you, Panda. I did notify them (and her therapist) when my wife left town suddenly a few weeks ago. That started the separation.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks for posting this. You are a very good writer. My daughter was a lot younger when I asked my ex husband to leave but I find it healing to read your story as it unfolds. You sound like you are in a very good place. 

[believer55]

Thinking of you and your daughter and your BPDw. I am sure there will still be battles ahead but you seem to be doing what's right for you and D10.