Enforcing a boundary?

[Lou12]

Hi all.

So it's been 15 days today of not speaking to my BPD bf and it's been very hard indeed, but as long as I'm going about things the right way I am sticking to it!

I asked him a few weeks ago to trying and work on his intermittent ignoring of me. I validated and used SET when communicating this. I stipulated that whilst I understood A, B and C that it now comes down to a level of respect for me and that I know he can answer me with a simple yes or no etc if he does not wish to communicate.

I recently read a thread on here about how BPDs want to leave you in a state of anxiety and fear and I very much believe that this is what my bf try's to do to me, unsuccessfully may I add! Not because he wants me to feel this, just because it makes him feel safer that I'm the under dog.

So after much thought about how I was going to go about excreting this boundary of intermittent ignoring(he ignores me more than he communicates) and after realising communicating it to him was not going to work I decided that not contacting him until he contacted me back was my only option. I was fully under no illusion that enforcing this would not be easy as I know his narcissism will hold him out from contacting me longer than the average BPD partner?

So here I am(we are LDR by the way) 15 days in and he still has not directly contacted me? He's done lots and lots of his usual tricks of stalking, triangulation, making me jealous etc to get me to reach out to him but I'm ignoring all that.

Any feed back or advice would be most welcome? I would like to hear people's feedback as to wether they think I have gone about things correctly bearing a BPD in mind and how I should proceed?


Thanks

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[divina]

Any feed back or advice would be most welcome? I would like to hear people's feedback as to wether they think I have gone about things correctly bearing a BPD in mind and how I should proceed?

I wish I did. For me it's been two months and I've experienced similar things, although always subtle with the air of plausible deniability.  It hurts like hell, all of it. The idea that he may not be contacting me because he thinks I no longer care tempts me. But it IS about respect. Most definitely.  Two things get me through this 1. What are the chances he will eventually reach out? For me, we've known each other for years. He will reach out eventually, even if it takes a year or more.  2. What's the worse thing that can happen? Nothing. We simply won't be friends anymore.  I will be sad to lose him, but it isn't the end of the world.  I'm just living my life. That's all I can do because I can't control what he does. But I will be darn sure to not victimize myself by reaching out to him and allowing him the opportunity to continue silent treatmenting me.  (Yes, I'm using it as verb.)

[unicorn2014]

I'm very sorry you're going through that and my heart goes out to you. I too am in a LDR and have had some serious problems with my SO today. I totally failed at upholding a boundary today. My partner will hang up on me and then accuse me of ending the call because I said "I don't want to talk about this anymore". He will hang up on me, then call me back and expect me to answer, and then accuse me of avoiding and ignoring him just because I don't pick up the call after he hangs up on me. Its crazy making.

This caught my eye

So here I am(we are LDR by the way) 15 days in and he still has not directly contacted me? He's done lots and lots of his usual tricks of stalking, triangulation, making me jealous etc to get me to reach out to him but I'm ignoring all that.

Can you say a little bit more about that?

[unicorn2014]

Any feed back or advice would be most welcome? I would like to hear people's feedback as to wether they think I have gone about things correctly bearing a BPD in mind and how I should proceed?

I wish I did. For me it's been two months and I've experienced similar things, although always subtle with the air of plausible deniability.  It hurts like hell, all of it. The idea that he may not be contacting me because he thinks I no longer care tempts me. But it IS about respect. Most definitely.  Two things get me through this 1. What are the chances he will eventually reach out? For me, we've known each other for years. He will reach out eventually, even if it takes a year or more.  2. What's the worse thing that can happen? Nothing. We simply won't be friends anymore.  I will be sad to lose him, but it isn't the end of the world.  I'm just living my life. That's all I can do because I can't control what he does. But I will be darn sure to not victimize myself by reaching out to him and allowing him the opportunity to continue silent treatmenting me.  (Yes, I'm using it as verb.)

That's very interesting. As I mentioned to the OP my SO ended the call after I told him I didn't want to talk about something anymore and then when he called me back after hanging up on me, he accused me of giving him the ST because I didn't answer the phone. I think the best thing we can do is not react to their antics and I totally failed at that today.