day five (messed up) I didn't help

[byfaith]

came home tuesday evening and the atmosphere was no talking except if she needed something... .I was only used on tuesday to deal with heat and air guy. I get home and I am getting the cold shoulder.

So I am sitting in on the couch minding my own business ( just thinking about our situation). She come in and asks me if I have an issue with her son sitting in on the bed talking with her, I said no.

Me: were you helping him with his iPad?

Her: yes

I know this statement may sound weird to some

me: That is the iPad he sits down in his room and watches filthy pornography on in my house. I don't want it in my bedroom ( he wasn't looking at porn in my room)

Her: you felt the need to tell me that?

me: yes because it bothers me that he brings that in my room

her: Why do you feel the need to put that on me? I don't need that on me right now

me: you asked me if it bothered me if your son was in the room and I told you why it did.

me: I feel like my home is being desecrated... .I accept that johnny (her sone) has to live here because of his problem and him looking at that crap in his room I will make the exception but to bring that device in my room, I don't like it.

and your brother filling an empty moonshine bottle full of piss and throwing it two feet behind my mailbox is offensive to me and the crap you said you found in his suitcase (sex toys)

why did you feel the need to tell me how my depression was affecting you sunday night? what good was that going to do?

(my wife went through his suitcase one day when he wasn't home and found 2 dildos in his suitcase) alcohol has been brought into my home also. It just sucks to me.

her: (voice raising and insults coming) you are NOT being what you need to be right now. everything is going good and you just have to find a way to F@%K everything up. you are one major screw up! you sucK!  you are not the man you need to be!

You need to accept responsibility for your actions.

I gave an answer to the affect that these things about her sone and brother bother me and that I told her about her depression affecting me came out because she asked me what was wrong with me.

She kept running over me

when she kept on telling me what an F up and screw up I was... .she said you have screwed my life up... .you do this overtime!  I stood up and said

Me: well then I will remove myself from your Life (I didn't whisper this)

her: what? are going to shoot yourself? GOOD!

Me: no I am going to leave and you won't have to deal with me ruining your life

it escalated from here... .I have to go for right now. I will give more detail later

[formflier]

Hang tough man.  I am posting from a mobile right now.

How do you figure out when to pull the ejection handle on a conversation?

FF

[byfaith]

Hey FF,

Well the other night I figured out how I just walked away and removed myself from it

Tuesday night not so much... .my soul felt like a sponge that could not hold any more crap. I felt like I was backed into a corner.

I read your posts and what I hear from you is that you will not save a marriage at all costs... .I am not willing to do that either. I gain a lot of insight from these boards.

Notwendy was discussing costs and payoffs in one thread to CB... The costs for maintaining this marriage are becoming too high now, I don't know if it can ever be reversed? I don't believe her behavior will go away. The profit margin is narrowing. That is my reality now and I have to deal with it. The more I show my willingness to convey my feelings this happens.  I am not giving up yet but I am also a realist. 

[Notwendy]

BF, I mentioned this in the other thread. All the emotional stuff over her kid and the porn is smokescreen, a place to project, but you went into the quicksand when this happened.

why did you feel the need to tell me how my depression was affecting you sunday night? what good was that going to do?


This was the moment.

Her shame was triggered. She dysregulated. Once this happens, there is no way to rationally discuss anything, because what has started is a cascade of panic, crazy thinking, feelings. Once the dysregulation is triggered, it takes off on a course of its own and it lasts as long as it takes to reset her mind. This functions as a protective mechanism from bad feelings. Sometimes, when it is over, they can even be amnesic over the events that happened- what was said or done. I think this is one reason that pw BPD can't seem to learn from their behavior. For some people with severe BPD, I think the dissociation acts as a mind eraser. If you consider that some people with BPD were abused, this is a way to deal with that kind of trauma as a kid.

This doesn't mean you don't speak the truth, or you WOE, or pretend nothing is wrong. It does mean that you learn to recognize that once you are in the quicksand, further discussion doesn't seem to help. One way to practice this is to not use the word YOU in a statement with your wife. Framing statements that focus on you, can get messages across in a more effective manner.

Back to the Sunday night discussion. You looked tired and aggravated. That is reasonable. But answering " your depression" was taking the bait to the quicksand. You can learn to see the bait into those crazy making conversations. The other thing that got you into this was that you were tired. Whenever we are tired, hungry, or something like that, our reserves are down. You need to take care of you first. So rather than engage in conversation about her depression, take care of yourself. " I am tired, I need to get something to drink and a snack " is a statement that focuses on you. She may get cranky about that one, but you can get a time out for yourself before dealing with anything else. You didn't do anything wrong. You are human, and knowing when we need to take care of ourselves is a part of that.

There is an issue with boundaries. I don't know what that son's deal is, but discussing his porn habit with mom and you is a boundary violation. This is his private thing, and it needs to be private. What he does in his room in private is his business. You don't need to go into the discussion on porn- whether is is desecrating your home or not. To argue this is more smokescreen. I don't like the idea myself, but in general, sexual activity is private, and whether it is porn or the Sears catalog, this needs to be a private activity.

I understand that the cost of this relationship is high. It is your choice to decide to stay or leave. Either way, she is a disordered person and for the meantime, you are dealing with her. Learning how to recognize the quicksand and when you are in it can help you at this time. You don't have to answer her questions that can lead to this, at least not right away.

[formflier]

OK man, I see where you are at.  Can you take some space for a day or two.  Be intentional about simple pleasant communication.

Avoid conflict. 

Will post more later today.

FF

[byfaith]

my wife is out of state 350 miles away, visiting her mom she left a day early because of our situation

on her way out yesterday at 12:00pm she left me a very cold voicemail stating that she assumed I serviced the car. That was it. she signed off by saying later... .

I texted

Me: Was in a production meeting 12:21

Her: Sorry but right before we left the cat got shut and the bedroom for about five minutes and Took a poop, 12:27

Me: Didnt know (your brother) was going with you 7:05pm

Her: We've talked about it for a month 7:15

Me: For some reason i thought it changed 7:23

Her: Is my iPhone password and iCloud the same? 7:51

Me: I don't know 7:52

Her: That was a stupid question 8:25

Me: At this new walmart, pretty nice 8:36


Me:Good morning

[byfaith]

I texted good morning at 10:21

and tried to call her at 1:15pm

should I just leave her be? what I mean is should I not try to contact her the rest of the day?

[Notwendy]

IMHO, let her be.

Contact her later to say goodnight, or something pleasant.

Enjoy the peace and quiet! Don't ruin your day of peace thinking about what you can do in regards to her feelings, she is not here, she's fine, with her family. Now for self care- do something for YOU. Take yourself out to dinner, go to a movie, or just enjoy the house to yourself. Practice some out of sight out of mind. She will be back soon regardless, so make the most of some time to do something for you.

Today just for today there is no urgent reason to wonder about BPD Do something you like to do!  

[byfaith]

my wheels have been turning but I will put on the brakes 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey by faith, Your anxiety, perhaps, stems from trying too hard to control something that is out of your control.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and your needs.  Let her be for now.  Think about what is the right path for you and what you can do to take a step down that path.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

If you can get out of the house and do something fun, I would combine that with relaxing at home in peace and quiet.

I've got lots of thoughts about what I have read, but I will hold off for a day or two.  Relax.

Any chance you can get a groupon or some other deal on a massage?

FF

[byfaith]

yeah I am going to go out to eat and see a movie that I have been wanting to check out... .I can't control that she is not communicating with me so I will go and enjoy myself and deal with this stuff later.

Thanks

[Lucky Jim]

Great!  Think you are on the right track, byfaith.

LuckyJim