How to manage sibling interactions?

[Shockandawe]

8 children. 1 16 yr old daughter with BPD.  Ages. 18,16,13,11,8,5,4,2.   Any advice from parents on how best to manage these interactions and relationships.  We adults have a hard enough time trying to maintain calm and compassion.  My other kids cannot even begin to understand how or why their sister is hot and cold and can change moods on a dime. Also she can say the meanest things to siblings as well. Then I'm trying to "put out fires" all day long!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

It's really hard.

I found if I jumped in and defended the other child then it just made my BPD son worse, but if I didn't attempt to interfere I had to watch him strip down (particularly my eldest) son's defenses in such a cruel way that I couldn't bear to hear or watch it.

Eventually, we couldn't even sit around the table and eat a meal together which was awful.

In retrospect, I would've taken everyone to family counseling so that they could all have a voice. I still get a sense from my other 3 children that they felt we always put my BPD son's needs first. We did it because we were trying to avoid him raging and scaring our younger kids, but you can't win.

Good luck and I feel for you all.

[lbjnltx]

Hi shockandawe,

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

Wowzer! 8 kiddos!

The multiple combinations of relationship dynamics could be astounding in your home.  

Blaisse Aguirre briefly addresses this issue:

Parents often struggle with how to explain BPD behavior to the other children in the family. Parents understandably worry about scaring younger siblings; however, pretending that “all is well” can lead to confusion and unspoken fear. Older children can become judgmental and impatient with their BPD sibling. They may condemn their sibling’s behavior as well as their parents’ management of it. They may accuse the BPD child of taking all the family’s time and financial resources. Alternatively, older kids can become overprotective of their BPD sibling and in so doing unwittingly reinforce the dysfunctional behavior.

Do you all attend family therapy?  If so, it may be a good idea for the older kids to learn about boundaries and how to defend them.  It will take a great deal of support from mom, dad, and each other.  

Sometimes younger children can understand the struggle of a person with traits of BPD as having BIG feelings that can change often.  

I described my d to her older 1/2 brother and sister in terms of the skill wisemind... .the combination of emotions and reasoning... .that my d uses her emotional mind in a big way and her reasoning mind doesn't have a chance to be heard/used.  And I also told them that she has a very strong negative self image and victim mentality.  

Hope that helps.

lbj

[Shockandawe]

Thanks for responding. We (husband and I) are only at the very beginning of even realizing that our daughter has BPD.  After years of dealing with what we thought was "willfulness" "brattiness" "over sensitivity" and taking her to various therapists who stupidly focused on better more "consistent" discipline, her behavior as a teen has now escalated from screaming fits and anxieties into lies, sneaking, cursing, threatening, and shoplifting.  After an especially horrible blow up I went in search of answers.  I cried from guilt for days after putting all the pieces together and realizing that basically we had been hurting her and damaging her even more by our parenting!  We don't have any help. I am desperately trying to find a GOOD psych!  I will not waste any more time with people who dismiss the severity of this or fail yo see the damage that this BPD wrecks in our home!   I first sought help for her at the age of 9!   I knew that something just wasn't right. But when professionals seem not so concerned you just get into your car with your kid after the appointment and drive home thinking. "Well I guess my kid's just a brat and I'm just not a consistent enough parent". And you end up doubling down on the very same invalidating behaviors!   If only time travel were possible!  So from what I've learned so far I have just put my foot down and told the family that we are starting over fresh for ALL of us. We tend to be loud, brash, and sarcastic.  My hubby is ex military, I'm probably a highly functioning BPD myself, and therefore our home is FILLED EITH INVALIDATION.  Ugh.  So I said no shut up, no name calling, no cursing, no physical ever, no dismissing feelings, more expressing I feel... .And more saying I feel like you're saying... .    My littles are liking it.  My big ones think I'm being weird and I quote "fake as ___".   And yeah. It's weird.  It's weird to be normal and healthier.  When you live your parenting and family life as hurtful and dysfunctional I guess healthy and compassionate based feels weird and false.  But I keep telling everyone to just deal with it cause eventually we will stop feeling weird and we will just feel like a normal family!  I had to make it a universal family change.  I can't have one way to talk/interact with my daughter and another for everyone else. But I tell you guys what, it's so hard cause after two weeks of trying to be a compassionate empathizing validating parent my BPD daughter is just as on edge and hostile and anxious.   Ugh.  I am trying to line up services etc. but I dread!  DREAD having to bring up the topic of going to a therapist with her.  She is going to HATE THE IDEA.  Ugh. Anyway. In the meantime it is so hard to see my other kids really trying to employ my new standards and get snapped at by her.  The rules never apply to her.  And my other kids can clearly see the unfairness in that.  My oldest really has a hard time with what she sees as a double standard. She still won't even except that her sister is SUFFERING. She just says "she's nuts and it's her own fault etcetc etc".