It's always something, isn't it?

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend just texted me and told me that there is a fraudulent charge on her bank account and she is down $1,000.  For the past few days, she's been depressed.  Last week, she broke up with her boyfriend.  A few days before that, she needed to call her mom's first husband and ask him to come help her and a friend because the friend got a flat tire.  And the list goes on and on. 

At this point, I don't even know what to say anymore.   There are only so many ways to say, "I'm sorry that happened to you.  I know that must be really hard."

[Caley]

Dear SummerStorm,

Forgive me if this sounds a little harsh.

When I read the title of your post the image in my mind was of a person rolling their eyes and saying "... here we go again ... !".

I have said things like this too. What I came to realise is how it can look and be interpreted by someone receiving it.

It can come across as ambivalence, as belittling, one upmanship and have an holier than thou ring to it. Because the message is '... so you have another problem that you can't deal with yourself ... and I'm irritated that you insist on burdening me with problems that are not mine.'

Does this make sense?

When you say ... 'There are only so many ways to say, "I'm sorry etc.," you're saying to me that you feel 'put upon' and a little annoyed with feeling that you're repeatedly being expected to support and help out with another's problems.

I can relate to this because I've often (throughout my life) arrived at this point and not known what to do. Until I realised that I wasn't being truthful about my feelings ... which were often akin to ... 'hang on ... wait ... my life doesn't feel like it belongs to me. It feels like my life is all about your life, your problems and feeling like I have to fix things so your life feels better for you ... ! (Emotional response right?).

The adult response in these situations might be to consider saying, 'This sounds like a difficult problem/situation for you. Of course, I'm your friend and I would want to lend support if I can. Have you considered what you're going to do in this situation?' And, then remain quiet.

This is a pretty good way to be supportive without taking on someone else's dilemma. It is also the antithesis to someone who plays the 'yes ... but' game which can leave you wanting to pull your hair out.

It will have the added benefit of leaving you feeling good about yourself because you have taken care of yourself by taking ownership of yourself first but remained supportive as a friend.

I hope this helps and you're able to remain friends with this difficult person.

Best wishes.

[bruceli]

How do you know someone actually got into her account? PD's have a tendency to fabricate and or exaggerate.

[SummerStorm]

How do you know someone actually got into her account? PD's have a tendency to fabricate and or exaggerate.

Exactly.  That's the point I'm trying to make with this post.  There always seems to be something wrong, but most of the time, it's either a fabrication or an exaggeration.  So, it gets a bit frustrating always having to comfort someone when you know that he or she is probably lying about whatever is wrong.