Hi, looking to talk to other parents/relatives for insights

[incadove]

Hi, I'm looking for advice on how to handle defiant behaviour empathetically without encouraging it.  My problem is that one of my BPD-trait kids has decided its her right not to talk to me when there's an issue, so she doesn't want to talk and work it out.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi golda,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, I'm so glad you are here.

How old is your kiddo with traits of BPD?  Is there ODD diagnosed as well? Do you have more than one child with traits of BPD in the home?

lbj

[incadove]

Hi, sorry I didn't login again for a long time after that first post.

I am worrying now that I'm going nuts myself.  The kid I was talking about is 17, she's leaving soon for college.  She's not my biological daughter, and she's never been diagnosed with anything except PTSD which she's in therapy for (she had some physical abuse and was shunted around to different places a bit when she was young.  I"ve known her since she was 2 but only had her living with me since she was 11).  Logically she's doing well, she's graduated high school early with good grades, got accepted to college, took an internship and is not asking for money.  She cares for animals and takes care of strays.  I should be happy I guess because I know a lot of peopel have so much worse problems

the things is just that if i ask her to help me with anything, its 'no' and defiance, maybe my fault because of how I got mad at her for ignoring my messages a few weeks ago.  i am obsessing so much over her attitude and not being willing to follow my rules in the house, I think its unhealthy on my end.  I guess I feel just like she is really ungrateful and acts as if all the time and money and emotion that I had felt for her is nothing, and she's just going to do what she chooses.  She does want to be a good person, she just doesn't want to respond to me in what I think is the right way.  Her sister (18) who I think had some BPD traits is fine with me now, we had a lot of hard times but now we've worked it all out and we are pretty close and good with each other.  And I'm fine with my two biological kids who are younger.

I guess, because of the history of her being very disregarding when she doesn't like what I say to her, I want some reason to cut off this relationsihp before it keeps hurting.    the only time I feel ok actually is when she's completely unreasonable and I can cut myself off emotionally.  When she acts sweet and I give her stuff and then she acts disregarding, I really go crazy inside and I just need to do something to cut myself off.

So I'm thinking, maybe I'm the one who needs help!  Sorry this is kind of long, I've just been going sort of nuts the last week or so because I can't give her any consequences anymore, and I don't know what to do - she's leaving anyway in a few weeks, and hopefully time will just fade out the pain and its probably better if we don't stay in close touch because I feel like it would just cause more pain.   I saw her as my child but its pretty clear she doesn't see me as a parent, just someone that she had to stay with for a while.

[Gorges]

THe summer before kids leave for college is a very stessful time for parents of typical kids. WOrry about your own sanity, leave her be and she will be off to learn about relationships with others in college soon enough. THis maybe a good time to look into yoga, meditation or something for yourself.

[incadove]

Thanks, I know that's good advice, I'm trying to find ways to help myself be a bigger person, my problem is that my work is pretty isolating - I'm a software engineer so I have to be up in my head for 8-9 hrs a day, and its hard to distract myself!  But I really appreciate the input, I'll try to do that.