Newbie here

[Groovymom]

 

Hi All,

It is finally time for me to introduce myself as part of this club we don't want to be a part of.  My pwuBPD is SD19, although I did formally adopt her when she was 18 (during a time when she still thought of me as a good thing in her life.) Briefly, her birth mom (uBPD) and my DH horribly divorced when SD was 6; no proof but we imagine she was pretty neglected for some years after that. We battled in court for custody when she was 12 and had her full time with us from 13-18. We put her into weekly therapy but even so, the awful has far outweighed the good - brilliant girl but oh so lazy, lies about everything for no reason, always looking for prince charming to come save her, promiscuous, manipulative, would go OFF for the smallest things, blamed everyone else for everything, etc.  On the DSM's BPD list she hits just about every criteria. Because she couldn't follow through with college applications I suggested military, so after high school graduation she went off to boot camp. After a few weeks she said she got a stress fracture from the boots and spent about 4 months in the convalescent unit before they discharged her. She will tell you she LOVED being in the military and wants to go back but DH is pretty sure she was only in there to be near an old bf... .

I say with just a little guilt that it was wonderful after she left for bootcamp. The stress level in our home was drastically reduced, and the other 2 kids were able to get the attention they should have had all along.  I wrote her every week, had to believe what she told me when she called, and we had high hopes that she would be successful with the intense structure she needs in order to get out of bed and accomplish things. Plus from a distance we couldn't see her lies and that helped us.

Once the military sent her home all heck broke loose. She blew through thousands of dollars in just a few days, met strangers for sex (she loves internet hookup sites,) lied to all of us (including grandma!) about what she was doing and because we had set up zero tolerance for lying, we asked her to find a new place to live. She ended up leaving with a guy she'd met on the internet - a felon (dv) from a neighboring state - and since then we have had very limited contact. For awhile her bank account still showed up on the computer and her messages and email were available too, so until it became too painful and gross we knew she was alive. In the few text messages we've exchanged in the last 4 months she is so demanding, rude, cruel and oh the way she can twist the truth. I am honestly happier if she is out of my mind. But she's my kiddo, so I can't keep her buried for long.

DH is heartbroken, but also disgusted by her. I vacillate between wanting to nail her for her illegal actions and her lies and then I think no, she's mentally ill - I need to learn how to work WITH her and not against her. I'm so repulsed by her choices. I do love her but I don't like her. At all. Honestly, we gave her EVERYTHING she needed to be successful in life. The extended family loves her, we had structure, tons of love, fun, concerts, vacations, tons of together time as a family, and attention - so much attention on her and her issues. Since she left I have gone to a few Naranon meetings.  She was such an obsession for me for so many years that I kind of lost myself and it has been wonderful to be able to take care of myself again and reconnect with my other kids and my DH. But I know in my heart I need to learn to have a relationship with her. I look forward to learning from all of you who have been dealing with the tragedy of BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Groovymom   Welcome to the parenting board and for sharing your journey with us.  I'm sorry for what brings you here but be assured you'll find lots of wonderful support and there are great tools and lessons to the right that can help improve communications and your relationship with your daughter.  The more I learn about  this heart breaking disorder the easier my day to day life gets and my relationship with my 27daughter improves. 

Does your daughter accept her diagnosis?

WDx

[Groovymom]

Thanks WD for your welcome. She doesn't have an official diagnosis as her therapist wouldn't go there prior to her being 18 and once she was, of course she knew she was heading for the military and needed to have a clean bill of mental health. Because there was never ANY diagnosis we vastly underestimated her underlying issues. I think we hoped so much that she would be "better" if she was in a structured environment as constant structure at home helped her quite a bit. She almost needs a full-time assistant to keep her on task.

She knows all about BPD because of trying to understand her birth mom. I know one of her greatest fears is turning out like her and that is the direction she's heading. For now. :-(