Having to put an old head on young shoulders

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Don't really know why I'm saying this except to say the whole situation makes me sad. 

We are taking gd aged 13 and her dad away to the beach next weekend and again to a tropical holiday Island in about 4 weeks with the whole family.  We have sent ex BPD dil multiple emails over the last 6 months about the latter asking her permission etc and asking for a reply but of course none came. So last week when we dropped gd back to her mother's my husband spoke to exdil.  She was very angry and said yes to next weekend  and yes she got the emails but didn't like his language (he is a very polite and considered person) so didn't reply. We are grateful for the consents and not too bothered by her being angry.

However after we left my gd wore it.  She raged, went into the kitchen and began cutting things with sharp knives, said it was all my gd's fault and why didn't she save her. Apparently it went on for quite a while. All very scary for a 13 year old.

We have apologized to gd (even though this is the way she wanted it to happen), had a round table discussion with gd and her dad and decided gd will ask the questions in future.  However I find this sad that we cannot have an adult discussion with exdil about gd I do very however it is the nature of the illness. Gd should not be asking adult questions it should be adult discussion and most of all sad that gd had to deal with this scary stuff.

[mother in law]

Don't really know why I'm saying this except to say the whole situation makes me sad. 

We are taking gd aged 13 and her dad away to the beach next weekend and again to a tropical holiday Island in about 4 weeks with the whole family.  We have sent ex BPD dil multiple emails over the last 6 months about the latter asking her permission etc and asking for a reply but of course none came. So last week when we dropped gd back to her mother's my husband spoke to exdil.  She was very angry and said yes to next weekend  and yes she got the emails but didn't like his language (he is a very polite and considered person) so didn't reply. We are grateful for the consents and not too bothered by her being angry.

However after we left my gd wore it.  She raged, went into the kitchen and began cutting things with sharp knives, said it was all my gd's fault and why didn't she save her. Apparently it went on for quite a while. All very scary for a 13 year old.

We have apologized to gd (even though this is the way she wanted it to happen), had a round table discussion with gd and her dad and decided gd will ask the questions in future.  However I find this sad that we cannot have an adult discussion with exdil about gd I do very however it is the nature of the illness. Gd should not be asking adult questions it should be adult discussion and most of all sad that gd had to deal with this scary stuff.

[Turkish]

So very sorry that she had to witness that. Of course children shouldn't be involved in adult business. Speaking as the child of a BPD (and other stuff) mother, the reality that no one can control is that she may have to grow up a little early in some ways.

If she is in fear, and the knife incident sounds scary, can she communicate to her options? Calling 911 if necessary (an obvious escalation). Less escalating may be to talk to a school counselor.

[mother in law]

Thank you for your reply Turkish.I realize we can't control her growing up to early but it still saddens me but you sound pretty normal in your posts so that gives me heart!

I was by no means a perfect mother but children shouldn't have to deal with this.

I have talked to her about walking out and calling us or her dad if she is scared or worried and we will go get her. We have programmed her phone with our numbers.  I will add in the emergency number of our country too.  Good idea.