Friendship with a Borderline

[ILoveMyBPDMan]

I am broken.  I became involved with a borderline disordered individual a couple of years ago.  He was in the process of a painful breakup and I am married for 31 years now (to a great guy but there is no sex and some other areas of dissatisfaction which I will not get into in this post).  I understand now that the "friendship" that has evolved has followed a pretty typical course with the exception that while original my "friend" pursued me romantically but then decided he wanted me to be his best friend forever.  He is finally over the ex, is in therapy DBT) and on meds.  He is very high functioning and at his core a kind person.  He is involved with numerous women thru online dating sites and still holds the unrealistic hope that he will find "the one".  Of course, my stupid butt has fallen in love with him.  I know better.  I know what I am dealing with but it has happened.  I am attractive and as indicated earlier married so it's not as if I was looking or intend to.  Should my marriage end, I will likely just be alone.  I do not work, have hobbies and several close friendships so my world doesn't exactly revolve around him.  He has no friendships or hobbies outside of looking for "the one".   This story is so long I am leaving out so much that I will try to fill in as responses are received.  He has never been unkind to me and never lost his temper.  He has lied and occasionally still does but with less frequency.  He has told me he loves me once (via text), has told me he values me, I mean more to him than I will ever know and that he respects me and appreciates everything I do for him.  Of course he has said he needs me and is very careful not to say he wants me.  We had sex once and he became extremely ashamed and guilty about it.  He has indicated he doesnt want a romantic relationship with me but I get signals that suggest otherwise.  I feel like he has sucked my soul right out of me.  I tried to maintain the friendship because I feel that I am helping him (I know, I know).  The thing is, its a one-sided friendship and I am subjected to "push/pull" behavior which is also difficult.  What I get is daily texts, sometimes all day if he's bored.  His "dates" get the best of him and I get the rest of him.  I do believe that I am the only person who knows the real person (there is alot of bad history that he has shared and his is a reformed addict 7 years sober.  he is also a love addict but the love he gets from me isn't enough).  I am just exhausted but whenever I try to take a break, he panics.  He told me today he gets the message and thanks for everything.  I am waiting to see how it pans out.  You wont be surprised by the fact that I dont really want him to get out of my life.  But since I know deep down he will not reciprocate my friendship, I am trying to accept that he may be willing to discard me.  If that is the case, I will have to put him behind me and move forward.  My questions are these:  How do I do that?  I am really very sad, guilty and confused.   Has anyone ever been in this type of relationship with a BP that you were able to maintain and in which the BP did make progress without destroying you?   If so, how did you do it?  Please help.

[lbjnltx]

Hello ILoveMyBPDMan,

Welcome back.

From what you write here it seems you want to know how to let go of the friendship.  Is that correct? 

lbj

[ILoveMyBPDMan]

That is correct.  Of course, at this time, I am conflicted and I do still have a glimmer of hope for this individual to become whole.  It's just that his healing has been at my expense and I can't allow it.

The only way I can survive this friendship is to dial down the intensity and I dont know how to do that, as you can imagine, the attention is nice.  It just isn't consistent.

[lbjnltx]

We have several boards designed to meet members' goals:

Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup

Improving a relationship

Deciding or Conflicted (not ready to leave, not committed to improving)

Detaching from a failed relationship.

For now, it seems that the Deciding or Conflicted board is a starting place.

I will move this topic there so that the members can help you get started on choosing a path.

Please read the topic "Who Should Post on this Board" at the top... .if you want to change boards, it is advisable to read that topic for each board to help you self direct.

lbjnltx

[Pablo333]

Hey,

I can tell you i was in a similiar place except with a woman, who would be like i'd totally date you blah blah, she has BPD i see the way the fire burns when she meets someone new and then it fizzles, but she has pushed me away when i tried to get closer to her. Im trying to find my place now but this was a 2 year long relationship we had though, and now i dont know where i stand as its the first time shes pushed me away or has become disinterested.

The thing with BPD is they can get bored easily and without that strong emotional feeling about you they might find it hard to connect, as emotions = facts for BPD. Maybe its best you walk away he might come running, he might not at least you can move on and maybe work on things in your marriage instead.