Explaining BPD in a 21 year old sibling to a 9 year old

[Zeena]

I have a 9 year old daughter who gets bothered a lot by my 21 year old son newly diagnosed with BPD ... (? Traits). He adores his sister but I think his self sabotaging behavior is constantly punching her cheeks up to 10 to 16 times a day ... Then teasing her excessively . She is constantly complaining to me that I don't correct him .what should I do? When I approached him about the fact that it could be self sabotage he said he does not think so... As these behaviors don't make him feel bad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Zeena]

How do I explain my 21 year olds immature BPD behavior to my 9 year old ... Who complains that her brother never gets corrected for pinching her cheeks etc... Non stop

[Turkish]

I have a 9 year old daughter who gets bothered a lot by my 21 year old son newly diagnosed with BPD ... (? Traits). He adores his sister but I think his self sabotaging behavior is constantly punching her cheeks up to 10 to 16 times a day ... Then teasing her excessively . She is constantly complaining to me that I don't correct him .what should I do? When I approached him about the fact that it could be self sabotage he said he does not think so... As these behaviors don't make him feel bad.

Have you ever just said "knock it off," or "stop doing that," no explanations necessary? Sometimes a firm boundary can work, moreso given the fact that you are protecting your 9 yo. It doesn't need to be explained, and it sounds like he isn't receptive to "getting it" at this point anyway. He's violating her personal boundaries. pwBPD (people with BPD) have trouble with boundaries, emotionally, and sometimes physically. There can also be a lack of discerning correct behavior from incorrect behavior when it comes to others.

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe try validating daughter... .

"You are right!  You own your body and others need to respect that.  I am sorry that it seems like this behavior has been permitted to continue. It is absolutely not ok for anyone to hit, pinch, punch you, etc.  I am sorry if it seems I gave you a different message."

Then come up with a plan with D9 on how to deal with persons violating physical boundaries:

"Let's go tell S21 that unwanted touching is absolutely a violation and unacceptable."

Announce to all:

"This stops now!   If it happens again... .There will be (insert firm serious consequence that you will follow through with) including a report of assault made to police.  

Include in private, a lesson for D9 on how to leave, go to an adult, and get help calling 911.

If after announcement, punching face continues, immediately follow through, call 911 and enforce other consequence.  

It is not ok for anyone to punch her face... .even if "playfully."  And certainly not anyone more than 10 yrs older!

[lbjnltx]

This really must stop for the protection of both of your children... .child and adult as well as yourself.

BPDSon is an adult, physically harming a child... .in your home.  You are responsible for protecting the child.

There is a need for a  hard and fast boundary to protect your 9 year old daughter.

If you need help figuring out when/how to set this boundary and what consequences will come from violating it we are happy to help.  There have been some very helpful replies by Turkish and Sunflower to get you started.

It can be scary and confusing when we must set a boundary that has the potential to make us feel like we are choosing one child over another. 

Nevertheless, the situation dictates it as necessary.

lbj