Is my daughter as manipulative as I think she is?

[HealingFamily111]

I don't know where to start. Let me say first that I can't tell how much of our conflict was her and how much of it was me. I dragged my family members to lots and lots of counseling in order to figure it. We all began to deal with our own stuff and everyone is doing better. However, during the couple years of teenage hell that left me adrenal fatigue and my hair falling out, I was isolated from my entire family. To this day I am in a fog as to whether it was her doing, mine or theirs. I went through a mourning process and began focusing on myself and my 5 year old in order to heal myself from adrenal fatigue and (Unfortunately) separate my son from my daughter. We have all healed a great deal but this question came up about that conflicts that led to me being isolated.

I found out that my ex husband gave my daughter quite a bit of motive to make our lives hell. He told her he would open a trust fund and for her which would give her ALL the back child support (she was 16 and I begged him to pay to get her help) if she and I weren't "getting along".

I find it interesting that when you try to explain to people that your child is threatening you, verbally abusing you, keeping you trapped in rooms and chasing your car down the street and you ask everyone for help including professionals- and what do they do? They point the finger at your parenting. It's YOUR fault.

Well, Im not perfect- but I AM willing to read every book, talk to professionals and scrutinize the hell out of myself to make sure I am king the best I possibly can. THIS, I found, with my daughter, may have been my greatest weakness. She discovered that if she just pointed the finger at me, I was willing to tear myself up in order to solve whatever it was I was doing wrong.

Finally it got to be too much. She harassed me and trapped my in rooms and one day she came at me and screamed at the side of my face. I had never put my hands on her before but this time I pushed her against the wall to defend myself. I called the police myself to take statements. She actually told the police she wouldn't let me out of the room while my son was crying in the next room. They informed her what she did was illegal. She was shocked. They explained that she could go to jail for what she did and that I was in the right to defend myself.

She tried to use that to take everything from me - but I had made so many police reports against her that it went no where. I made the decision to move across the country home to my family and have her live with them in oder to get help.

I moved to a small house a few miles away fro them and she lived with them. Apparently she was extremely well behaved while she was there. She also told my family lots of things to make her look like a victim. For some reason, they believed her and isolated me. Later I found out she basically told them that I did everything she ACTUALLY did.

Now I am alone. She has the support of her father (who was convicted of trying to kill me 16 years ago). She has the support of my mother (who was my best friend before this happened). She has the support of my sisters because she told them I refused to financial support her (which is a bold face lie).

My family told me that I needed counseling, so I went. I am THE ONLY person in my family who has ever sought help for anything as depression runs deep in my family. I would classify myself as the scape goat of the family.

Only my brother saw through it. He caught her in several lies.

I went to therapist and basically told them I wanted to find out what was wrong with me because my whole family turned against me. After quite a bit of counseling for myself, for my daughter and together.

Both therapists informed me that they did not think I could be diagnosed with anything or that I had done anything but everything possible to help my daughter. One said she recognized pathology about her that concerned her and sent me to a specialist.

The other told me that she doesn't think I could have tried to do any more than I did and gave me a stack of books about BPD. It asked her directly if she thought I might have some of the traits, that I would be willing work on them- she said no, that if I did, they were extremely minimal.

None-the-less, I read them all and applied them to all out lives. Things got A LOT BETTER in my immediate family. My daughter is doing great, but is still refusing to work. Still, we are all much better.

The problem is that I still don't have my siblings and mother. That wedge ran deep and doesn't seem repairable. Worst of all- my daughter tries to make me feel bad for it regularly while she talks to all of them on a regular basis. I can pay her rent and bills for months and she will turn around and tell them I refuse to help her and ask them for money. They are pretty poor and all financially dependent on my father. I am the only one who is self sufficient financially.

I'm still confused about the whole thing. I believe they call it FOG. Recently I found out my EX offered her a trust fund to live separately from me. I think this may have had a lot to do with her behavior. Could this possibly be part of her motivation? Or am I deranged for thinking she could be that manipulative?

This is a long intro, but didn't know how to make it short. Your comments are greatly appreciated!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hello Healingfamily111, and welcome to bpdfamily.

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. There is no easy fix to your situation and I am sure there is no perfect answer to your question, but probably several correct answers.

BPD is a cruel illness, it never discriminates, and takes plenty of people hostage. But there is hope, so don't give up.

I am going to suggest you start with the TOOLS and LESSONS that are on the right side of this board. Take your time and read through them. They are immensely helpful. Practice what you read, practice in your day to day life so you get good at it. You will learn the best and most effective ways to communicate with your daughter.

Second I want to say that yes, I believe a person afflicted with BPD is manipulative, sometimes on purpose and sometimes not.

We have all had our share of poor experiences and would love to help you navigate through yours. Please keep posting, the more information you give, the better we are able to help.

Take care and hang in there.