Reinforcing Negative Thoughts?

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've been working my way through the workshops and lessons on here and it has really made me reassess my whole approach with my BPDD33.  I started to acknowledge that I may indeed have contributed to making things worse by invalidating her feelings and thoughts from an early age.  I really thought at the time I was trying to sooth and reassure her by saying that what she was feeling wasn't true - because - well - to my perspective - it wasn't!  My intention was to try to make her feel better of course but her uber-sensitivity to some things but not others was confusing, not only for me, but for all around her.  Meanwhile, others took pains to reassure me that I was worrying for nothing in regard to my daughter!  This included my husband, who, while a wonderful father (and husband) sort of dismissed my concerns and even implied that I was being a little unnatural by even thinking such things about her.  Over the last couple of weeks I've been conscientiously applying the validating the valid recommendations and have to admit it does seem to have taken the heat out of my communications with my daughter. I am a little suspicious though as it means I have more or less agreed with everything she's been saying which, of course, will lead to less conflict with anyone!

However, I was also recommended a book called Stop Thinking Start Living by Richard Carlson - not for my daughter I hasten to add but for me!  The premise of the book is that negative thinking is the cause of all of our unhappiness and that by dismissing our thoughts as just thoughts rather than analysing them and basically validating them, we will stop the downward spiral into depression and worse.  Now, I know, this book isn't intended for people with serious mental illness such as BPD, but I'm now questioning some of my 'validation' of my daughter's negative thinking and wondering whether or not it is actually validating the invalid!  My daughter festers over every casual remark and incidents, as well as the more serious issues.  This festering leads her to get everything totally out of proportion just as it says it does in this book.  She really does focus on the negative and now I'm worried that my saying such things as "Of course, you are bound to be upset by that" and "yes, anyone would feel like that in those circumstances" I fear that I may be compounding the problem and reinforcing this downward spiral.  I would appreciate your views on what I see as this paradox.  Thanks.  x   

[Rockieplace]

I've been working my way through the workshops and lessons on here and it has really made me reassess my whole approach with my BPDD33.  I started to acknowledge that I may indeed have contributed to making things worse by invalidating her feelings and thoughts from an early age.  I really thought at the time I was trying to sooth and reassure her by saying that what she was feeling wasn't true - because - well - to my perspective - it wasn't!  My intention was to try to make her feel better of course but her uber-sensitivity to some things but not others was confusing, not only for me, but for all around her.  Meanwhile, others took pains to reassure me that I was worrying for nothing in regard to my daughter!  This included my husband, who, while a wonderful father (and husband) sort of dismissed my concerns and even implied that I was being a little unnatural by even thinking such things about her.  Over the last couple of weeks I've been conscientiously applying the validating the valid recommendations and have to admit it does seem to have taken the heat out of my communications with my daughter. I am a little suspicious though as it means I have more or less agreed with everything she's been saying which, of course, will lead to less conflict with anyone!

However, I was also recommended a book called Stop Thinking Start Living by Richard Carlson - not for my daughter I hasten to add but for me!  The premise of the book is that negative thinking is the cause of all of our unhappiness and that by dismissing our thoughts as just thoughts rather than analysing them and basically validating them, we will stop the downward spiral into depression and worse.  Now, I know, this book isn't intended for people with serious mental illness such as BPD, but I'm now questioning some of my 'validation' of my daughter's negative thinking and wondering whether or not it is actually validating the invalid!  My daughter festers over every casual remark and incidents, as well as the more serious issues.  This festering leads her to get everything totally out of proportion just as it says it does in this book.  She really does focus on the negative and now I'm worried that my saying such things as "Of course, you are bound to be upset by that" and "yes, anyone would feel like that in those circumstances" I fear that I may be compounding the problem and reinforcing this downward spiral.  I would appreciate your views on what I see as this paradox.  Thanks.  x   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

While thoughts and belief systems drive feelings we aren't validating the thoughts or beliefs.  We validate the feelings.

To get a very clear perspective on this I recommend the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg.

It is a great resource as it is all about validation, why validation works, how it works, and how it works in all of our relationships and relationship dynamics.

Here is a link to the book review and ordering information.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0

[Rockieplace]

Thanks LBJ - I will certainly read the book and the comments on the link you gave.  I'm reading everything I can.  I have read Walking on Egg Shells and numerous other books and articles since my daughter's diagnosis last June.  Lots of things seem counter-intuitive with this illness don't they?  My instincts when my daughter reached 16 to 17 screamed to me that something was wrong though.  I wish now I had followed my instincts and not the advice of friends/family.  It really undermines your confidence as a mother.  We have been to numerous consultants over the last few months and some of those can't agree about the right treatment either.  I have a strong suspicion too that some of them are guided by the 'f' word i.e. funding when they prescribe certain treatments! But maybe that is me being cynical... .

[lbjnltx]

Yes, counterintuitive indeed.

Our natural (problem solving) parenting mindset wants to say "straighten up and fly right"... .and the reality of the situation is that they don't have the skills or maturity to move away from their highly emotional driven thoughts/beliefs, and reactions.

Just as they have to learn new ways to cope, so do we. 

I am headstrong when it comes to facts.  I also got the same "she is just spoiled", "you don't parent consistently", "that's how teens are", "she'll grow out of it" comments from family and friends.  The facts didn't lie though... .her behaviors and belief systems were out of the realm of reality and it was up to me to get her proper help... .so I did.  Fortunately we started on that journey early on as she began to have troubles at age 11.

We can only work with what we've got.  The here and now and what to do going forward is where we concentrate our efforts.

lbj

[Rockieplace]

I've just downloaded the book to my kindle (around £8 in the UK).  Can't wait to read it now so - early night for me!   

[twojaybirds]

Once I started to learn  more and more about this I realized I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

I no longer beat myself up about this.

I was a good - no - great parent and still am.

We parents, as people, are learning in this community.  We ask questions, try, cry , make mistakes, see success and try again.

[lbjnltx]

Once I started to learn  more and more about this I realized I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons.

I no longer beat myself up about this.

I was a good - no - great parent and still am.

We parents, as people, are learning in this community.  We ask questions, try, cry , make mistakes, see success and try again.

Yep!

[Rockieplace]

Thank you TwoJayBirds and LBT.  It helps so much to have the support and empathy of others who understand totally what I am trying (sometimes inadequately) to express. 

[somuchlove]

Rockieplace,  when I read your thread it felt so familiar...    They are really on target here.  Not an easy path for us parents.  My learning and practicing how to respond has been tough at times.  However it does help me as well as helped my daughter and our relationship.  Best of luck and continue to believe you are a good person, parent.

[Lollypop]

Hi rockieplace

I think it's important to reflect how far we've come so far. I sometimes get a bit overwhelmed with just how much there is to learn, my opportunities to practices are quite limited. I have used my new skills though when speaking to a friend who was very upset and my younger son. Also, I don't seem to digest it and I have to reread. This goes against my usual behaviour: start at the beginning and work through but with this I sort of dip in and out, read things at random. It's working though, slowly.

I found it really helpful to ask for feedback on a few challenging conversations to help me improve. Thank goodness there such fantastic support here.

Happy reading. I haven't yet even bought a book on BPD yet. Perhaps I should.

L

[Rockieplace]

I am just reading "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" for the second time and finding it really helpful, not only with my communications with my BPDD but also with my granddaughter (5) and I'm now going to start on my husband!   He is so good and a much better listener than I am but does also see his role as fixer and always tries to use Positive Mental Attitude strategies - far too soon as I now realize.  I'm hoping that me practising better listening and validation skills on him will give him a hint too!  I realize that we all mean well and, as I say to my BPDD at intervals, (I've read it somewhere in the extensive literature I've scoured on BPD)  "There are no villains here".  I'm on a mission now... .!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

R

I've ordered the book on Amazon.

Thanks for this.

L