Patterns

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi

I haven't written in a few years but I'm sick with a cold and started browsing the internet and here I am.

I was involved with a high functioning quiet borderline male from September 2011 until January 2015, although the last time I saw him was September 2014.  I am over him now, finally.  It was an on and off again relationship for the 3 years:  On for 6 months off for 2 months... .Looking back... .I am sure he cheated on me all the time which really grosses me out thinking about how intimate we were when we were together.  I am not an addictive person, but I was very addicted to this charming, intelligent, dominating, sexy and handsome man.  I realize now, I am a co-dependent.  I used to think I was a really strong person - and I am.  I was married for 26 years before my BPD relationship... .and I think he was BPD/NPD with delusional and dissociative issues.  a year later, I meet the BPD who was extremely narcissistic.  And in October of 2014, I found another BPD male... .though this one baited and switched.  Said his relationship with his gf was over, but as soon as he had me hooked, he said, the relationship was still on... .I am embarrassed to say, I allowed him to pursue me and I did pursue him sometimes as I thought he would be a good partner to me as he is hard working, funny, cute and adorable and we have the same friend group which is now really awkward as all my friends know about the affair, but he thinks no one will betray him and he still has the gf come around.  I have told him I never want to see him again ... .but because of my past BPD relationship... .I was already primed.  I knew why he triangulated.  I knew why he ran hot and cold.  I fight him on everything too... .  He can be my best friend and so entertaining... .but I am just an OW... .and shame on me for enabling him.  And that girlfriend is probably as entrenched as I am.  She lives in another province and is a innocent victim who left her husband for this guy.  He cheated on his wife with the gf, cheated on the gf with this other girls and then me... .

Why these guys are attracted to me and vice versa... .I just finished texting my exh for an hour... .we actually talked about what went wrong in our marriage after almost 6 years of separation... .he was very open.  And weeping.  He is usually so in denial and angry.  But i know he is not angry at me.  He is angry with his childhood and his life.  There is no way I'd go back with him as he will never change, but it was nice to talk about what happened and the hurt feelings.   

[aurora.dragon]

Hi

I haven't written in a few years but I'm sick with a cold and started browsing the internet and here I am.

I was involved with a high functioning quiet borderline male from September 2011 until January 2015, although the last time I saw him was September 2014.  I am over him now, finally.  It was an on and off again relationship for the 3 years:  On for 6 months off for 2 months... .Looking back... .I am sure he cheated on me all the time which really grosses me out thinking about how intimate we were when we were together.  I am not an addictive person, but I was very addicted to this charming, intelligent, dominating, sexy and handsome man.  I realize now, I am a co-dependent.  I used to think I was a really strong person - and I am.  I was married for 26 years before my BPD relationship... .and I think he was BPD/NPD with delusional and dissociative issues.  a year later, I meet the BPD who was extremely narcissistic.  And in October of 2014, I found another BPD male... .though this one baited and switched.  Said his relationship with his gf was over, but as soon as he had me hooked, he said, the relationship was still on... .I am embarrassed to say, I allowed him to pursue me and I did pursue him sometimes as I thought he would be a good partner to me as he is hard working, funny, cute and adorable and we have the same friend group which is now really awkward as all my friends know about the affair, but he thinks no one will betray him and he still has the gf come around.  I have told him I never want to see him again ... .but because of my past BPD relationship... .I was already primed.  I knew why he triangulated.  I knew why he ran hot and cold.  I fight him on everything too... .  He can be my best friend and so entertaining... .but I am just an OW... .and shame on me for enabling him.  And that girlfriend is probably as entrenched as I am.  She lives in another province and is a innocent victim who left her husband for this guy.  He cheated on his wife with the gf, cheated on the gf with this other girls and then me... .

Why these guys are attracted to me and vice versa... .I just finished texting my exh for an hour... .we actually talked about what went wrong in our marriage after almost 6 years of separation... .he was very open.  And weeping.  He is usually so in denial and angry.  But i know he is not angry at me.  He is angry with his childhood and his life.  There is no way I'd go back with him as he will never change, but it was nice to talk about what happened and the hurt feelings.   

[C.Stein]

Why these guys are attracted to me and vice versa... .

I think this is a good question for us all to ask.  What attracts us to people who are emotionally unstable?

Certainly there are some codependency issues at work but what else is there?  Is it an attraction to people who we can sense struggle with self-love because we ourselves struggle with it?

[blackbirdsong]

Why these guys are attracted to me and vice versa... .

I think this is a good question for us all to ask.  What attracts us to people who are emotionally unstable?

Certainly there are some codependency issues at work but what else is there?  Is it an attraction to people who we can sense struggle with self-love because we ourselves struggle with it?

Yes, I believe many of us also have engulfment/abandonment fears, so as BPDs, we just have different type of outward mask (more acceptable from the society perspective).