Hard to admit, but I'm addicted to the drama

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My first marriage was one of near constant crises. When one would end, my BPDex would create a new one needlessly. "Why me?" I'd think, "why can't I have a normal relationship?"

My second marriage started off blissfully and stayed that way, with minor exceptions, for a few years, then the BPD surfaced. It was a shock, as you all know, to go from being painted white to suddenly being the recipient of hateful looks and snarky behavior. I was angry, disappointed; I felt duped.

Now, thanks to this forum as well as therapy, things are on an even keel. My problem? I miss the intensity. I don't miss being devalued, but I do miss being idolized, even though I realize it was just an artifact of the disorder.

[Cat Familiar]

My first marriage was one of near constant crises. When one would end, my BPDex would create a new one needlessly. "Why me?" I'd think, "why can't I have a normal relationship?"

My second marriage started off blissfully and stayed that way, with minor exceptions, for a few years, then the BPD surfaced. It was a shock, as you all know, to go from being painted white to suddenly being the recipient of hateful looks and snarky behavior. I was angry, disappointed; I felt duped.

Now, thanks to this forum as well as therapy, things are on an even keel. My problem? I miss the intensity. I don't miss being devalued, but I do miss being idolized, even though I realize it was just an artifact of the disorder.

[Daniell85]

There is a song by Halestorm "I miss the misery".

You reminded me of it

After the last few years, I am not even sure what is normal anymore. I've become so jumpy that basic calm makes me wonder what traumas are brewing under my radar.

[HurtinNW]

Wow. Thank you for saying that. I just posted on the inventory board about feeling very down today, a week into boyfriend's latest rage and break up and silent treatment routine. There are a lot of reasons, including being triggered because my mother would do the same thing.

But I realize now that part of what I miss is the intensity. The hope of being on that pedestal once more, even with the increasingly rare glimmers of it. He did seem to idolize me at times, especially in the beginning. It was like being given the drink of the most delicious water ever. But isn't it funny how it never fills you up? With me once I was idolized I wanted more. It made me reliant on him for my happiness. I never thought of it that way before.

Daniell85: After over four years I realize I have become completely hyper-vigilant and anxious. I am taking accountability for my role in accepting and normalizing that.

[Notwendy]

Interesting- in my situation I did the idealizing. Not in a black and white thinking way, but from a place of low self esteem, feeling I had to work hard for love, like I did in my FOO. My H would dish out just enough affection and then withdraw it which kept me jumping through hoops. Then for a period of time, he painted me black and it was tough to go through.

I didn't leave but in retrospect what happened may have had a similar affect. I didn't have any idea about BPD or PD at the time. Just as my mother convinced me that I was to blame for her issues I was blamed for the issues in my relationship and I didn't consider otherwise. Eventually thought I burned out emotionally on the relationship. I just couldn't jump through hoops anymore.

It was then that my H decided he wanted his old wife back and I experienced being idolized. It was incredible to feel loved like that. I was over the moon. I thought my H had decided to love me again. But we all know how that went. Once he got angry it felt as if my hopes were gone. I think he wishes he could get the old me back but that person was the product of a dysfunctional family and I have done too much work to ever idolize anyone like that. Nor do I want to be idolized. It wasn't real. Well for me it was real- the only way I knew to be- but not real in the sense that it was codependent.

I believe that emotionally healthy relationships don't have that drama, and it has been a path to that for both of us.

[Cat Familiar]

This  marriage is certainly better than the first. I don't have to worry about violence or infidelity (I believe). As I wrote that, I realized how deeply scarred I am from living in uncertainty with my first husband, who regularly kept me off balance with both physical and emotional abuse as well as numerous affairs. Definitely I have some PTSD about relationships due to that.

I do remember, like Daniell says, feeling "so jumpy that basic calm makes me wonder what traumas are brewing under my radar." Yes, that was a very familiar place with husband number 1.

With my current husband, I do live with his depression and he can be so dramatically depressed that it's hard to ignore. It gets old being around someone who give monosyllabic answers to questions, who walks around with a beaten down dog expression and slumped shoulders, who seems to get no joy out of life when he has so many resources.

I see him get sort of a vampiric pleasure with people he doesn't know well when he gives them gifts or treats them to meals or concerts. He knows I know him too well so he doesn't have to bother trying to please me with some unexpected gift or event. But to get approval or appreciation from some almost stranger really means a lot to him.  

I'm just not certain what a healthy relationship even is and I doubt that's possible if one's partner is a pwBPD. I cringe when I hear people on the staying board contemplate having children with a dysfunctional partner. Growing up with a BPD mother, I never got a sense of what a normal adult relationship was. In fact she told me that men were "terrible" and discouraged any relationship I ever had, actively sabotaging them. I can understand her reasons for doing that with my first husband. If I'd known better, I never would have gotten involved with him. And as so many of you know, having a parent with BPD gives us a completely distorted template of human relationships, one that we spend a lifetime trying to rectify.

[Notwendy]

My H is great to the kids. The issues were only with me. I also had to realize my own contributions. I don't know if a fully emotionally healthy relationship is going to happen but I do know it is thankfully better.

I also think I remain a bit traumatized from the experience of being painted black as a young wife, then getting my hopes up when I was idealized, and then feeling let down. Yet I think this could also have happened regardless- the issues I learned in my FOO were mine to deal with.

[Cat Familiar]

I've pondered the idea of "healthy relationship" for a few days now and I am sure I would be unlikely to recognize one. I know we all have our baggage and nobody gets out of here without being traumatized in some way. And with changing cultural and economic expectations in the last few decades, relationships between men and women are very different than they were when I was a child.

I feel like I've largely transcended the codependence I learned in my FOO and by doing so, I'm much more "removed" and distant than I've ever been in a relationship. I guess I'm learning how to navigate from a different perspective, but it doesn't feel "loving" in the same way that "loving" felt when I was so enmeshed.

Frankly, I can't even think of a relationship that I can look towards as a positive role model, not one in my friends or acquaintances that I would like to emulate, nor one that I can think of amongst well known individuals. I feel like I'm exploring new territory without familiar landmarks.

Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

CF, I'm thinking of your title.

Are you really addicted to the drama?

Or are you simply used to the drama and consider it to be normal, and anything else feels WEIRD?

One way to measure--if the people in your life who normally create drama stop creating it, do you do something provocative to make sure that the drama is back again?

Frankly, I can't even think of a relationship that I can look towards as a positive role model, not one in my friends or acquaintances that I would like to emulate, nor one that I can think of amongst well known individuals. I feel like I'm exploring new territory without familiar landmarks.

Rather than looking for some sort of rare beast (like a unicorn) that is a healthy relationship, that you've never seen and wouldn't know if it bit you on the nose... .what about something more achievable?

Can you identify your most healthy friend, or member of your extended family? Not that they are perfect, but that they are at the top of the heap in your life.

[Cat Familiar]

Are you really addicted to the drama?

Or are you simply used to the drama and consider it to be normal, and anything else feels WEIRD?

One way to measure--if the people in your life who normally create drama stop creating it, do you do something provocative to make sure that the drama is back again?

Thanks for parsing that out, Grey Kitty. No, I don't think I'm addicted to the drama after all. And I certainly don't try to create or elicit drama. But it does feel weird, and kinda boring without it. I guess I'm just sort of waiting for something to blow up. My mother constantly added drama to my life and my ex-husband couldn't stand when things were going smoothly--he inevitably created a major crisis that I had to respond to. My current husband is not so extreme, but his alcohol use sort of stands in for the drama, or he gets depressed.

I'd rather things be on an even keel--and I'm definitely that way myself. It must be sort of a PTSD response on my part to be waiting for the next crisis du jour. I know the drama is coming and it's a little unnerving wondering how it will manifest this time.

I do know some people I would consider "healthy" but their relationships are as f*ed up as mine. Actually I feel pretty healthy myself, and even my psychologist asked if I wanted to end our sessions, but I said "no" because I don't feel like my relationship is as healthy as I'd like.

[Notwendy]

For those of us who are accustomed to the highs and lows, and "crises", even keep may seem dull in comparison, but I prefer it. It can feel like a bit detatched. If we don't know what "normal" is ( is there such a thing?) the absence of drama can feel strange. But I look at this as learning to take new steps. New and unfamiliar.

Being on the drama triangle together can feel like a bond, but once I saw this as drama, I didn't want to participate in that kind of "bonding". If the triangle is the most familiar to us, then learning new ways can feel odd.

[Sunfl0wer]

No, I don't think I'm addicted to the drama after all. And I certainly don't try to create or elicit drama. But it does feel weird, and kinda boring without it.

Maybe this is true for you too?... .

While I also do not feel addicted to drama, I do feel that I function quite exceptional in crisis mode or when drama is happening around me. (Well, usually)  I know that I am better than the average person in this.  Also, it is easier for me to think fast and make a quick decision when there is drama.

Sometimes when my life is stable and I need to create goals and a direction, without crisis, it feels less certain to me.  With so many 'correct' options to take, I find it harder to choose a course.  With no dire 'incentive' before me, acting on a specific direction feels less clear to me.

[Grey Kitty]

Admitting that you find the drama "normal" and that the change from normal is weird and uncomfortable is a good start.

Take it as a personal challenge to deal with the uncomfortable feeling, and hope that over time it becomes a new normal 

[Cat Familiar]

For those of us who are accustomed to the highs and lows, and "crises", even keep may seem dull in comparison, but I prefer it. It can feel like a bit detatched. If we don't know what "normal" is ( is there such a thing?) the absence of drama can feel strange. But I look at this as learning to take new steps. New and unfamiliar.

Being on the drama triangle together can feel like a bond, but once I saw this as drama, I didn't want to participate in that kind of "bonding". If the triangle is the most familiar to us, then learning new ways can feel odd.

Yes, absolutely. It's funny, but I need to feel "even keel" for me, but I find myself a bit lost and detached if my husband is on an even keel too. However, as I write this, I needn't worry about that!     

While I also do not feel addicted to drama, I do feel that I function quite exceptional in crisis mode or when drama is happening around me. (Well, usually)  I know that I am better than the average person in this.  Also, it is easier for me to think fast and make a quick decision when there is drama.

Sometimes when my life is stable and I need to create goals and a direction, without crisis, it feels less certain to me.  With so many 'correct' options to take, I find it harder to choose a course.  With no dire 'incentive' before me, acting on a specific direction feels less clear to me.

That's a very good point, Sunfl0wer. I, too, tend to be the calm cool thinker in crisis situations. That's why I became an emergency medical tech--not that I wanted to do that as an occupation, but that I've found myself having to deal with several life and death medical crises, and I wanted to know how to do that properly. Thankfully, since I did the training years ago, I've only had a few occasions I needed to use it in recent years.

I, too have been a little at sea trying to figure out how to create goals and direction in my life. And I guess it felt good and natural to be the "crisis manager" even though it's not a job I want.

Admitting that you find the drama "normal" and that the change from normal is weird and uncomfortable is a good start.

Take it as a personal challenge to deal with the uncomfortable feeling, and hope that over time it becomes a new normal 

I'm ready for a "new normal", that's for sure. Thanks everybody, I keep learning so much here from your collective wisdom. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, absolutely. It's funny, but I need to feel "even keel" for me, but I find myself a bit lost and detached if my husband is on an even keel too. However, as I write this, I needn't worry about that!     

[... .]

I'm ready for a "new normal", that's for sure. Thanks everybody, I keep learning so much here from your collective wisdom. 

No idea what is next, but I'm remembering one thing that could be on the horizon for you.

After much time of good boundaries, validation, and other best practices on my part... .and some personal growth on my wife's part... .we found ourselves in a situation where I experienced something really distressing and upsetting that didn't impact her directly. Not manufactured drama... .the kind that life just throws at you sometimes. I don't even remember what it was.

What I remember was that I, the normally even keel person got really emotional and upset. And my wife, the normally emotionally volatile one supported me, without turning it around and making it all about her.

And we both realized that she had been consuming all the oxygen in the room for years, and expressing the emotions. And OH MY GOD, it was weird to change roles!

[Cat Familiar]

What I remember was that I, the normally even keel person got really emotional and upset. And my wife, the normally emotionally volatile one supported me, without turning it around and making it all about her.

And we both realized that she had been consuming all the oxygen in the room for years, and expressing the emotions. And OH MY GOD, it was weird to change roles!

Yeah, I realize I have more than a bit of pride about being the unemotional, rational one who can cope in all situations when everyone else is losing their minds. Growing up with a BPD mom and having all these BPD relationships, I neither feel safe nor trusting that other people will be there to take care of me, so I've got to do it all myself.