Been thinking about emotional instability

[unicorn2014]

Things went relatively well with my partner today until I saw this text from Friday

Well as I suspected I should not be telling you how I feel... .I had sent you several txt yesterday morning along with an email which you did not respond to accept now and your response was in the form of a correction... .I really did not share this with you so I could be corrected. I thought rather as your partner we share these things with each other... .I will refaine as you describes this as a complaint... .I really do not need support so since you do not have any interest in how I am doing, there is no need for me to express this. Glad we could clear that up

No I did not respond to it. I had actually set my partner's phone to junk after I blocked him on Friday so that's why I got it today.

We did have a couple of little bumps today. My daughter was in the ER again today and at one point a social worker had to talk to her so I had to walk away and the area I walked into was a no cell phone area so I hung up when my partner stopped talking. Its more like there was an awkward silence that lasted too long so I hung up because I was in a public place.

He said the funniest thing to me today that set me off, I didn't tell him set me off, he simply sent me a text with the word "pedicure" in it. I was like "huh?" and he was like "its what I'm going" I was like "what?" He said "doing".

I don't know why but it bothered that he thought I needed to know he was giving himself a pedicure. My daughter was in the ER today and he's telling me he's giving himself a pedicure? Ok. This was after I got home.

Anyways, tonight I was thinking about what it meant to be unstable. My partner's not mentally unstable, but he is emotionally unstable. If the conversation's not going his way and I end it he can very abruptly say "good night" without saying "I love you" but if I complain about it, I'm making a big deal. He did that and then texted me to say he updated his calendar, he hopes my daughter and I have a good day tomorrow and said good night again. I think he was baiting me to see what kind of response he could get out of me. Yep. And when I pointed out the fact he didn't say I love you he said "wow that was some trash". If I ever described his language as "trash" he'd get very upset with me.

I started thinking about that BPD trait of unstable relationships.

What does emotional stability in a relationship look like?

PS I just love it when my partner lectures me on what it means to be a partner while he's still married to another woman and living in another state.   

Another thing I've been thinking about is I have trained to think its ok to unload on me, that my inbox, text message, and voice mail is there for his disposal. Is there anything I can do to change this?

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014,

Sorry to hear your daughter was in the ER again. How is she doing now?

Another thing I've been thinking about is I have trained to think its ok to unload on me, that my inbox, text message, and voice mail is there for his disposal. Is there anything I can do to change this?

You cannot change his behavior if he does not want to change it. What you can change is how you respond to him. Recognizing the relationship dynamics and choosing alternative responses is very wise. Often not responding at all is also very wise. For this change in your own responses to occur, often requires a lot of practice. It helps to identify the behaviors of your partner that you find triggering, then anticipate your own possibly harmful or unconstructive responses, remember what your longterm goals are and what the consequences would be of responding in a harmful or unconstructive way, then start practicing more constructive responses that are more in line with your longterm goals. The key is commitment and practice, that will increase the likelihood of you responding in a different way. When something triggering or unpleasant happens, the new constructive responses can then kick in and replace the old automatic responses that were less constructive.

[unicorn2014]

Hi unicorn2014,

Sorry to hear your daughter was in the ER again. How is she doing now?

I got a big problem on my hands, she got drunk, beat up and robbed. She's fine, according to her, but I'm not.

Another thing I've been thinking about is I have trained to think its ok to unload on me, that my inbox, text message, and voice mail is there for his disposal. Is there anything I can do to change this?

You cannot change his behavior if he does not want to change it. What you can change is how you respond to him. Recognizing the relationship dynamics and choosing alternative responses is very wise. Often not responding at all is also very wise. For this change in your own responses to occur, often requires a lot of practice. It helps to identify the behaviors of your partner that you find triggering, then anticipate your own possibly harmful or unconstructive responses, remember what your longterm goals are and what the consequences would be of responding in a harmful or unconstructive way, then start practicing more constructive responses that are more in line with your longterm goals. The key is commitment and practice, that will increase the likelihood of you responding in a different way. When something triggering or unpleasant happens, the new constructive responses can then kick in and replace the old automatic responses that were less constructive.

Thank you Kwamina, I failed last night, I had a little test.