Do I need to validate him?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So my partner tells me day and night how much he misses me and my daughter, meanwhile I'm thinking he lied to me to get and stay into a relationship with me, however I know I played my part. I don't know at what point I can let myself off the hook, or which part I'm responsible for. He keeps telling me we built this together, however it was his resources that built this relationship , not mine. He's the one that came to see me, he's the one that bought me things including an iPad so I could have a bigger screen to FaceTime  him with. I would have never been able to afford one trip to see him, much less the multiple visits with restaurants and hotels, etc.

That being said I would like to have a legitimate relationship with him and that's what I'm holding out for, but I'm sick of being reminded of our past and every time he tells me he misses me he reminds me of that past. Is there anything I can do here? Like is there anything I can say to him to make him stop telling me he misses me. I'd much rather hear him say here's the case number for my divorce. I don't really care if he misses me or not. Of course if I say I don't care I"ll never hear the end of it, I'm not allowed to say that. When he tells me he misses me it puts emotional pressure on me because if I ignore it he comments on that, but I can't say I miss you too because I don't. I just say I'm looking forward to you divorcing and relocating. Is that an appropriate response?

[unicorn2014]

So my partner tells me day and night how much he misses me and my daughter, meanwhile I'm thinking he lied to me to get and stay into a relationship with me, however I know I played my part. I don't know at what point I can let myself off the hook, or which part I'm responsible for. He keeps telling me we built this together, however it was his resources that built this relationship , not mine. He's the one that came to see me, he's the one that bought me things including an iPad so I could have a bigger screen to FaceTime  him with. I would have never been able to afford one trip to see him, much less the multiple visits with restaurants and hotels, etc.

That being said I would like to have a legitimate relationship with him and that's what I'm holding out for, but I'm sick of being reminded of our past and every time he tells me he misses me he reminds me of that past. Is there anything I can do here? Like is there anything I can say to him to make him stop telling me he misses me. I'd much rather hear him say here's the case number for my divorce. I don't really care if he misses me or not. Of course if I say I don't care I"ll never hear the end of it, I'm not allowed to say that. When he tells me he misses me it puts emotional pressure on me because if I ignore it he comments on that, but I can't say I miss you too because I don't. I just say I'm looking forward to you divorcing and relocating. Is that an appropriate response?

[formflier]

  Is that an appropriate response?

No, I don't think it is.

If you can validate his emotions, that would be wonderful.  Validation is very different than agreement.

The closer you can get your communication to zero about divorce and his issues there, the better.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Well FF then I totally messed up because when he told me he would never give me a hickey like my daughter's latest crush gave her I told him good, because he shouldn't even be talking about that until he's divorced. Dead silence. I went in the store, when I came out I asked if we were done having an awkward silence. He said first of all it wasn't awkward and second of all I basically shut the conversation down. I said good, I should, I want him to take me seriously, and he hung up on me and hasn't called back. I haven't checked my texts. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how upset I am that I was carrying on with him like everything was moving forward as it should. If I point that out to him then he will say he had no knowledge his divorce had gone astray as if it wasn't his responsibility. So now what?

++++

This just in, I got a "good night unicorn" text from him. What a jerk. He can talk about lusting after me but when I say one word about my values I get hung up on and told good night? That's fine, God grant me the strength to not talk to him until tomorrow.

[thisagain]

He already knows how you feel about the divorce and your "values." If the comment bothered you, you could just let it go and continue the conversation, tell him kindly that you need to go and hang up, etc. I see your comment as picking a fight, and I think he made the right choice to go quiet and hang up. And it was nice of him to say goodnight anyways.

You guys have been in a romantic relationship for years. You spent lots of happy times together when he visited. I know your memories of them are probably colored by divorce-related resentment now, but at the time you were happy. You were physically intimate. All of that takes two to build (and it has nothing to do with whose money paid for the trip). And after all of that, it is totally normal and natural for him to miss you. It's even normal and natural for him to miss and think about physical intimacy with you. He doesn't have the same later emotional experience coloring his memories like you do. But you don't have to agree with his emotions to validate them.

This is just another example of the divorce resentment making your everyday interactions incredibly toxic. There's pretty much nothing this guy can say about your relationship that doesn't trigger you. I'm not saying it's wrong for you to be angry about the divorce or triggered by things like this. You have a good reason to be angry. But it is really damaging to the relationship for you to keep up frequent daily communication when you aren't ready to control this kind of emotional reaction.

[unicorn2014]

"Values"?

The frequent daily communication is initiated by him.

He did call me back, I answered, he hung up. I'm sure he's dysregulated. That's not my fault or responsibility .

I agree it takes two to build a relationship however that relationship was built on a false belief.

And just like his feelings are valid, so are mine. I'm supposed to stand there and listen to him fantasize all day long?

Oh and there's no telling him kindly I have to go, he'd perceive that as rejection and go for the jugular. I'm thinking my pwBPD was different then yours. Also I wasn't angry or triggered, he was. His good night was not polite, it was snarky. As I said he only calls me by my name when he wants to put me down, otherwise I'm sugar boo, baby, sweetie.

[formflier]

The frequent daily communication is initiated by him.


  I'm supposed to stand there and listen to him fantasize all day long?

He can make his choices to call you 100 times a day if he wants,

You get to make your choices to answer or not. 

You have NO obligation to answer or reciprocate. 

You are supposed to focus on making healthy choices.  I recommend NOT listening to him fantasize.

One of the reasons for you to decide to have drastically less contact/communication with him is to get your communication to a manageable/healthy level.

Right now it is obviously unhealthy for you, and from what you report, unhealthy for him.

FF

[unicorn2014]

He called me , I answered, he hung up, I didn't call back.

I agree with you FF , I'm quite happy not to be arguing with him tonight. I'm definitely at peace right now and content.

[formflier]

He called me , I answered, he hung up, I didn't call back.

I agree with you FF , I'm quite happy not to be arguing with him tonight. I'm definitely at peace right now and content.

My hope is that for the rest of the night, and for tomorrow, and the next few days.  He will call and you DON'T answer.

If you would like to check in with him, send him a heads up text that you are busy but can all in 10 minutes or so.  Call.  If he answers, have a 5 minute conversation.  If he doesn't leave him a pleasant voicemail.

Respect his choice to answer or not.

Respect your choice to NOT answer.

FF