coparenting with BPD

[bus boy]

Hi. I'm having a tough time dealing with the hideous abuse emotional abuse in lived with for several years. It seems my son's mother, my ex wife hated me. I hear about the idealization phase of the abusive relationship but it seems she skipped over that part and went right to the devalueation stage and for a long time it was devalue discard. She said the most horrable things about my family to me all the time, even before we were married and not once did she ever agree with me, say a nice word or compliment to me, no good morning, good night, how was your day or any kind of an apology or any kind of anything nice ever. She told me she hated me, told me she didn't love me, said I made her kringe never wanted children with me. Left me when my son was 6 months old when I was in a state of horrable depression and mental collapse, turning my self inside out for her only to be told I'm not a good husband, don't know how to protect her, not trying hard enough not changing fast enough. I spent the last 9 years proofing and reproving my self. Only to be treated like a nothing, trying so hard to make us a family, a dream I shared with her but she was bent on crushing it. Dangling the family dream like a carrot. Knowing in her mind all those years she never was going to give me that family. I loved her and my son and treated her like a queen and was always there for her and my son. I was looked at and treated like a nothing in my son's life. I am a good father to my son. In September 2015 I found out she had a bf. I was devistated cried for days. I have dealt with a lot of the pain but it still hurts that she seems so happy and in love, he lives at her house she gives him full father freedoms with my son and she really seems to have made a nice cozy family with this other man. I often wonder what was wrong with me, does she have a pd or did she just hate me. She tore our family apart that I worked so hard for and gave it to another man on a silver platter. We have a court order I had to fight tooth and nail for, I don't get a minute more and only for the court order I wouldn't have any time with my son. Of all the things I put to rest my biggest stumbling block is why wasn't I good enough. Why does she put him on a pedestal and I was always in the gutter. It is better all the time and I focus my energy on my son, I never ask questions about mommy and her bf and when my son talked about her bf, I react very positive even though sometimes it hurts and when  I drop my son at his mother's her bf comes to meet my son at the door making a big fuss, I think it's unnecessary. Often single mothers say not looking for a father for my children but in my case it seemed he's taking his roll in my son's life a bit to serious.

[livednlearned]

Hi bus boy,

Hello and welcome to the coparenting board. 

Being replaced is an acutely difficult feeling to process, and there are many who have felt the pain you describe. Your son is lucky to have a dad who is there for him, who loves him. How is he doing? Does he seem to be needing to talk about the transition?

I found the following a helpful description of what it's like for someone with BPD:

People with BPD have difficulty regulating their emotions and are often in a state of upheaval. They have distorted images of themselves, often feeling worthless and fundamentally bad or damaged. And while they yearn for loving relationships, they typically find that their anger, impulsivity, stormy attachments and frequent mood swings push others away. Relationships are usually in turmoil. People with BPD often experience a love-hate relationship with others. They may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even misunderstandings. This is because people with the disorder have difficulty accepting gray areas — things are either black or white. For instance, in the eyes of a person with BPD, someone is either good or evil. And that same person may be good one day and evil the next.

Her fury toward you is about her and her limitations. Being BPD, it is very likely that she will idealize this new man for a while until she splits him black. You may have experienced this idealization period yourself in the beginning when you could do no wrong?

The new guy does sound a bit tone-deaf, though he may also prove to be someone who can help stabilize things in the home when/if your ex rages. I know that's hard to hear because the burn of being replaced is so fresh. It doesn't make it any easier to process the feelings.

What kind of custody arrangement do you have? Good for you that you fought for a custody order -- your son is going to need you more than you can imagine.

[bus boy]

Hi livednlearned

  In the beginning it don't recall the love bombing. I now see i was being tested a lot.  She never told me she loved me or apologize for her abuse, in fact she denies it ever happened. If you met her you would think she was a sweetheart, she is very stable in her job of 17 years although many of her co workers have seen her true side.

It is hard to hear that he could be someone to stabilize things. She did not respect me or my unwavering kindness and love for her. I am very empathic and soft hearted. She never looked at me as a protector, she saw me as weak. She was obsessed with being protected. I know how to protect my family but I was confused, wondering all the time, protect her from what? Our home was safe, I am a very non violent person. She would scream and tell me I was crazy, my family is crazy, no one ever treated her as horrable as I did and I was driving her crazy. Maybe she needs a protector. Her new bf is a very toned, athletic guy. Someone told me if tries with her bf what she did with me, he wouldn't take it for long and would put her in her place and tell her to take a hike. I took it, tried to appease her. My theory was love and kindness will win the day. The hard part besides pouring my heart into my marriage and getting callously discarded is the no closure on anything. Getting answers was next to impossible. A typical answer would be if you don't know what you did there's no sense in telling you. Looking for a compliment was met with rath.

I have, at long last a good court order. The judge awarded me lots of time. She said someone is lying, I was claiming being denied access and she was claiming I wasn't involved in my son's life so the judge gave me lots of time to see who would Crack and she would review in august 2016. So far like always I have been impeccable and we'll I have pages of notes in regards to her. Even today, my son had a dentist appointment in town, I live half way between her house and town, I text her saying I will meet her at the dentist office, my son spends every Wednesday night with  me, she said no so I had to drive all the way to her house, drop my son off, turn around and drive 30 km back to town for work. She is totally 100% impossible. Even after I survived major brain surgery for a brain tumor she showed no empathy when I asked for my son on father's day, she said you better go see the Dr, your tumor must be growing back. I could write volumes but you get the point. My goal is being a good father to my son, he missed so much time with me. I am focusing on I don't care if she does a 360 and shows her bf the love I  never got or if she never says or does rotten things to him, I know what she did to me and that's what matters. I know I'm a good father and my son does so nothing else matters.

[Turkish]

Hi bus boy,

How much time do you have now, and what does the order state with regard to medical decisions? If today was your custody day, I would think that you have a right to negotiate what is best fir him that meets both of your schedules.

I really feel for you that she was and still is so cruel. My ex left me for a much younger college football player. She threw it in my face for a long time, but when I detached myself from the drama, things got more stable. I came to look at it as business, the business of raising our children. Post to the legal board in anticipation of the August review, but it sounds like you are doing very well documenting everything.

How is your son doing overall, and how old is he?

The new guy does sound a bit tone-deaf, though he may also prove to be someone who can help stabilize things in the home when/if your ex rages. I know that's hard to hear because the burn of being replaced is so fresh. It doesn't make it any easier to process the feelings.

As painful as it may be, I found this to be the case. From what my Ex tells me, the "homewrecker" may have better parenting instincts that my Ex when it comes to handling the kids.


Turkish

[livednlearned]

She would scream and tell me I was crazy, my family is crazy, no one ever treated her as horrable as I did and I was driving her crazy.

She is probably being triggered by unresolved grief/neglect/abuse that she experienced early in her life and you are the closest warm body to spray with her misdirected rage.

It does seem like both BPD and partners tend to have fewer skills in repair and recovery after what are inevitable breaches in intimacy or trust. They tend to over-personalize and we do not de-personalize enough.

When we depend on our partners to make us feel whole, we are at their whim. In a securely bonded relationship, this is something that can work out ok. In an insecurely attached relationship, this need to feel completed or made to feel worthy by someone who lacks emotional resilience and health leads to dead ends. 

Who you are is already whole no matter what she said about you. That is the work post-breakup, to realize that and figure out how to detach in a way that helps you heal and recognize your worth separate from what she says or does.

I guarantee you that her new partner will experience the exact same behaviors you experienced, if he hasn't already.  

[ForeverDad]

I now see I was being tested a lot.  She never told me she loved me or apologize for her abuse, in fact she denies it ever happened.

I was married for 12 years before be had a child (my misguided hope to help her feel happy) and separated 3 years later, the marriage slowly going dysfunctional until near the end it sped up.  It wasn't long after our son was born that she was demanding apologies from me for every perceived slight, starting about the time he was a toddler, some 12 years ago.  She's never apologized in all that time.  Not even meeting me halfway — unless it was to her advantage.

I took it, tried to appease her. My theory was love and kindness will win the day. The hard part besides pouring my heart into my marriage and getting callously discarded is the no closure on anything. Getting answers was next to impossible. A typical answer would be if you don't know what you did there's no sense in telling you. Looking for a compliment was met with wrath.

I too tried appeasing, as did many of us here. Didn't work, but not for lack of trying.  We just weren't allowed to succeed.  The other kept moving the goalposts.  (Football analogy, could your team win if every time you got near the goal that the other team moved it?)

You might ponder too the experiment with Pavlov's dog.  The dog was conditioned to react to certain repeated stimulus. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning)  Similarly, you were conditioned to keep trying harder and harder but success was always kept out of reach.  Just far enough out of reach that you were led to believe that if only you tried a little harder or tried a little differently then you'd succeed.  But the rules kept changing.  We who strived to be Knights in Shining Armor just had no way to cope with that scenario, we couldn't picture giving up, we kept trying but kept failing valiantly.  Not our fault, we didn't quite realize we were dealing with a severe mental illness.  Not bad enough to get that person committed to an asylum, but emotionally horrendous nonetheless.

You won't find closure from her.  You'll have to Gift yourself Closure.  You tried, she wouldn't let you succeed.  Accept that, not just logically but also emotionally.  She would never have let you 'win'.

I have, at long last a good court order. The judge awarded me lots of time. She said someone is lying, I was claiming being denied access and she was claiming I wasn't involved in my son's life so the judge gave me lots of time to see who would Crack and she would review in august 2016... .

Even today, my son had a dentist appointment in town, I live half way between her house and town, I text her saying I will meet her at the dentist office, my son spends every Wednesday night with  me, she said no so I had to drive all the way to her house, drop my son off, turn around and drive 30 km back to town for work. She is totally 100% impossible.

That incident is a perfect example of you offering Solutions and her obstinately demanding Problems.  Present yourself to court as the one with Solutions, show that you are consistently the Problem Solver if only you had the authority as Father/Parent.  Some courts which are reluctant to grant full custody to a parent may be willing to assign Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  It is virtually the same as full custody but doesn't make the other parent feel as shut out since it lets them keep that "joint custody" public image.  See if that or some variation is possible.

Also, ponder whether there are instances when you can apply this concept... .It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.  For example, let's say that after your Wednesday night you're responsible for taking son to elementary school.  (That's how mine was, I tried to use drop offs and pick ups at school and daycares as a way to avoid in person exchanges since they were often confrontational, even at the sheriff's office.)  And the dental appt is at 9 AM.  You offer to meet at the convenient dental office.  She says, No, bring him to me.  You repeat, I'll meet you at the dental office.  Then if she doesn't come you text her that the appointed concluded well and you'll take him to school.  All this might mean you'll have to inform work you could be late.

Yes, with the above scenario things could get a bit dicey.  Dentists and other professionals don't want scenes in their offices or with staff.  (When our son was in kindergarten my then-stbEx was upset when I told her I made appointment, raged and cursed at the pediatrician's staff for letting me make the appointment and the pediatrician promptly "withdrew services"!)  But you would have set a good boundary.  Maybe she would have relented and come.  Who knows?  But you would have set a boundary for parenting that hopefully your judge would agree was reasonable and sensible, cooperative and not obstructive.  Only you and your lawyer can determine whether now is not the time to be setting firmer boundaries.

[bus boy]

Hi Turkish,

My visitation is every Wednesday over night, drop off at school or at his school bus stop, I take him to school. She would never let me pick him up at school... she really dug her heals in on that one but when we had our hearing the judge said the father has every right to pick up his child. He also comes over every second weekend, I pick him up at his bus stop on Friday a drop him at school on Monday morning. If there is no school on my Friday,  I pick him up on Thursday after school, drop him at school Monday. If Monday is a Holliday I drop him at school on Tuesday morning. Holidays are split up.

My son is 9. He is doing well. The extra time is a transition for him but he enjoys it.we do many activities, we have a spot made in the woods behind my house for camp fire, I give him chores, he helps clear the dinner table, helps with the fire wood, we went back in the woods in early December and knocked down next winters fire wood, I will split it and he will help stack it. I don't push him but I want him to learn chores and I pay him and teach him about saving money. We go for walks play lots of games. He is at long last getting the true father and son experience he deserves.

[bus boy]

Hi foreverdad

She always moves the goalposts so I can never win. Those words are so true. I'm learning so much about BPD and npd it's just mind boggling. I can't ìmagine being so cold hearted, I just don't know where to put that stuff she says and does. What you say about solutions really hit home. No matter how reasonable my suggestion or solution it gets rejected just for the sake of rejecting it.

It reminds me of so many things when you say she will never let me win. I remember when we were together and we would play cards, she would drain all the fun out of the game bc she had to win, she was a sore looser and a rub it in your face winner. Back than I had all ready seen her abuse in action, I never even heard of a personality disorder just thought she was abusive but the way she acted when she won or lost at cards made me think that is a sign of poor character.

The best thing to happen to me was she met a new man, now I can tend more to my business of being a father, not trying to juggle keeping her happy, making sure I thought before I spoke so I don't say those dreaded wrong words, keeping my son away from my family to appease her, she no longer controls my visits, she often made plans for us, I was pinning hopes she was wanting us to be a family but she was manuplating me, I let it happen, I loved the family feeling I felt, I thought if I do everything right, prove my self, try harder she will come around but it was all for control. Now all that stress is gone, I'm feeling that empty discard feeling, not as often or to the extent but all the trying to show her, get some kind of respect of acknowledgement, any kind of anything at all besides a grunt when I would ask her a question, getting my self respect back, I don't act like a puppy dog with his tail between his legs linking around his masters heals for a scrap of kindness, I've went 98% no contact. So all that energy is given to my son and when I have the final and last ever discard from her totally dealt with and I feel it coming, that is my goal to lock her bad memories in a box and throw away the key.