Keeping your head up and above the water

[Lollypop]

Just thought I'd have a rant.

Some days there's just too much to handle. I find myself stretched to beyond a point of me managing. At this moment in time, we are both dealing with the younger son who is having problems in coping with school pressure and friends. He's very low and it's hard to gain perspective ourselves to help him and deal with his moods. My husband says he now realises that he's not cut out to be a parent, he knows he's not a good father. I thought as he's saying this: why don't you dump more on my shoulders won't you.

I'm thinking that I've been putting too much of my attention on my BPDs 25 and my younger one has floundered. I had a meeting at school so they're aware. I'm formulating a plan in my head on what I can do to further support him but the situation at home has obviously affected him. His teacher assures me that it's normal adolescence and we need to get him more resilient to the pressures of gcse's. Can you hear me sigh?

Husband is miserable and throwing a strop. "Happy? , in this house?". Another sigh

Meanwhile Bpds brings home new and very young girlfriend to meet us later today. I'm hoping it won't be a forced atmosphere, it's always delicate to begin with and she's soo young.

perspective, try and see through the fog, move forward but gently does it. When do we get to be happy? Who looks after me?

No need to answer. I can hear my mum say "it'll all come out in the wash".

L

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

Hi Lollipop,

My thoughts are with you.  Some days feel just too much.  Your mum was right though - it's an old expression - these days I get 'This too will pass'.  My husband sometimes expresses the same feelings as yours too!  I counteract by saying that if, when I met my husband 41 years ago,  I knew then what I know now I would have told him to "insert bad word Off" and run a mile in the opposite direction!  Ha ha.

With your knowledge and skills learnt through the pain of your BPDS (and these boards) I'm sure you will be able to support and guide your younger son and avoid the pitfalls we all appear to have fallen into with our BPD kids.  Hang in there.   

[Lollypop]

Thanks rockieplace

My husband is at a different stage in the process and really feels he's the worse parent in the world, that he was never cut out for parenting and regrets it. His own father was very working class "get on with it and only expect hard graft" kind of man who never played or joshed around so my husband is left floundering as he has little to draw on.

We had a talk and I've told him this isn't black and white, reminded him what we're doing and told him we need to be the best parents THEY need (not our version of it). My husband has a strong tendency to moan about most things. He was going on about younger son feeling very sad but at the same time was giving up the very things that make him happy (eg like recently dropping out from his football team).

I looked my husband in the eye and said "well, let's be brutally honest, we may moan about them being unhappy but what are WE doing for ourselves for our own happiness? What do you DO to make yourself happy?". It hit home because my husband has slowly dropped all his past times over the last couple of years and is, to be honest, pretty miserable to be around at times, particularly when stressed which he is at the moment.

We need to put some things in place and make it a happier place for our younger son while he faces pressures of GCSEs. It's a fantastic grammar school but a "hot house" and I know he's not on his own feeling the strain but importantly he feels that he's the only one.

I feel a lot better now. Thanks for your kindness. Your post about money management reconfirmed to me that we need to introduce rent and keep our boundaries firmly.

I hope the vet visit went ok. I was thinking about you.

L