Facing the pain

[HurtinNW]

I'm realizing that my biggest motivator for not ending things with my boyfriend is fear of the pain. It will be such a huge loss for me. Honestly, thinking about permanently ending things with him is much, much more painful than the demise of my 15 year relationship.

I know now that this is because this relationship has replicated the trauma of my childhood. So facing the pain doesn't just mean the pain of losing boyfriend, my hopes and dreams about our relationship, and everything else associated with him. It means facing the pain of all that childhood trauma—alone.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to navigate and handle all that pain.

Someone on the PI board posted about healing our own issues before revisiting the relationship. Maybe that is a way of minimizing the pain, but part of me thinks to approach this as a time I will heal myself before reconnecting with him. At the same time, I know the thought of our relationship is going to keep tearing me apart. I have so much hurt right now bubbling to the surface. It's like my mind starts clearing and I am outraged, angry and more than anything hurt how he treated me. Funny how that makes me want to seek him out.

The bottom line for me is my kids. I have a lot of guilt about bringing him into their lives, and I think that ironically has kept me engaged: I wanted a happy ending. 

I know that means I need to bite the bullet. It's funny I am saying that given he raged and broke up with me. But he has recycled so many times it never feels over. I have gone through this so many times, promising myself not to try again. Then I get the apology email or letter or I run into him, and I reengage. It truly does feel like the most awful addiction. After awhile the addict doesn't even get high... .they just get to normal. Even when the normal is sad and distraught. Seeing him anymore doesn't get me high. It gets me to normal... .the normal of a dysfunctional relationship that makes me feel sad, traumatized and unlovable.

I have to find a way to detach from this. It has been devastating to my heart and soul and hurtful to my kids.

Maybe I should have posted this on the detaching board... .but I am so afraid to decide in myself that this most be over, forever.

For those of you that have gone through this in the past, any advice?

[Daniell85]

I don't feel good on the detaching board, though I have set aside my relationship.

I have felt a lot of what you feel. The big "what if" of stopping the relationship to work on my own stuff. My ex does not appear to be in a place where he wants to work on his side of things. He's stuck in his own thing. Me trying to stay present with him in that stuck place isn't helping him, it isn't helping me. I think it's a healthier thing to step out of it.

I am not sure he and I are finished forever. We have recycled a lot.

Maybe if you think of it this way: you are taking a pause and after you have had some time to calm down and process some things, after you have had some rest and recovery, after you go to therapy to address childhood wounds, or work on those wounds in other ways... .you will be better able to decide if you really want this relationship.

You don't have to make any choices right now. Except maybe decide what you will say to him if he contacts you.

Did you say you had a therapist at this point?

[Grey Kitty]

You said something else interesting in one of your PI topics... .

Part of me struggles with letting boyfriend go for this reason. I want him to recognize me as a human being first, and stop making me a game piece in his machinations of whatever pain he is in. I want the happy ending I never got as a child.

You sound pretty clear in knowing that if you do reconnect with him,  you will get more of the same ways you've been hurt by him before.

Perhaps you are expecting your heart to WANT to end the relationship, to give up on wanting the love that you've wanted for this whole relationship.

I know that whenever I ended any relationship, I was very sad for the loss, even when I pretty much knew that what I had "lost" never really existed at all. Don't expect that choice to be easy or fun, or anything but a quiet dreadful feeling that it is the thing you really need to do, no matter how uncomfortable and unpleasant.

[HurtinNW]

Daniel85, I don't feel good on detaching either. There is a lot of anger, which is okay, but not helpful to me.

I'm trying to get enough $ for a therapist. I have a good job but not mental health coverage, and our budget is really tight.

Maybe the take a long pause idea is good... .maybe if I set a time on it, like a year, to avoid recycling back right away. My old therapist used to suggest two years. She wasn't exactly in favor of this relationship. On the PI board someone said something that stuck with me: I am worth healing the childhood trauma this relationship triggered in me.

Grey Kitty: Thank you. Yes, I am sadly expecting more of the same. I have lost faith he is capable of enough change at this point to substantially alter things. His pace of change is slow, and since breaking up is his go-to action, it makes healing pretty much impossibly.

I am expecting or wanting my heart to want this. I've only had one other serious relationship. It lasted 15 years and by the end my heart and mind wanted it. I had a lot of anger and resentment, but I processed it and today we are friends. This relationship is so much different than that. I truly felt I had found my soul mate. I have a hard time letting that go. The connection felt so very real, so very special. I do think it was real: like a big part of me talking to a small part of him. I just didn't see the larger part of him that could eclipse that small, tender part of him.

I do think it is thing I need to do, no matter how painful. I don't know how I will manage it.

[Notwendy]

Hurtin- have you considered any 12 step groups in your area? They are not a substitute for a T, but they are a support system for personal growth and the issues you are dealing with- and at no significant cost - just books and sometimes they take up a collection to use for activities, donations, but this is voluntary.

Some people attend more than one kind of group. I have found that the ones that address co-dependency and adult children of alcoholics ( you don't have to have an alcoholic parent- this applies to dysfunctional parents as well) are both helpful. ACOA has material that deal with childhood wounds, reparenting. They have a red book based on the blue book of AA that goes into this in more detail than the blue book, and the steps are written from that perspective as well.

It was very helpful to work with a sponsor who supported me through this kind of work. Some people go to groups only, but I don't think it is as effective to do that.

Not everyone likes the 12 step model, but in the situation of limited funds, it is an available option to try. I also think it is worth sticking out the initial discomfort of being in a group of people you don't know. I found that I had much in common with many of them after getting used to it. As to the spiritual component- the original blue book contains some religious material, but the  concepts are broad enough to allow for a range of that. Some people in the groups are not religious and some are different religions.

I wanted to address the pain you are feelings. Your quote about being the game piece of your BF's pain is an important insight. However, it applies to you as well. The pain of abandonment in your childhood gets played out in your relationship. Our partners can be the game piece for our childhood issues.

Look at these issues that are addressed in ACOA- particularly # 4 and #12

www.files.adultchildren.org/uploads/all/translations/all/The_Laundry_List_EN-US_A4.pdf


This list really resonated with me. There is a lot of resemblance between families with alcoholism/co-dependency and families with a BPD member/co-dependent so this group was helpful even in the absence of alcoholism. Clearly, my mother was not emotionally available to me growing up ,and because my father was focused on her, he was intermittently available. This influenced my choices/behavior in relationships.

Being in a relationship that has emotional drama puts our focus on the drama, not our own issues from childhood. If you find yourself in a place where you are focusing on you, it can feel overwhelming. Be gentle on yourself. Self care is important- especially at these times- and some kind of support- a sponsor, a T, a 12 step group and anything else that helps you take care of yourself- maybe start an exercise class and other ways as well to take care of you, make plans for a special outing with the kids.  

[formflier]

 

HurtinNW,

Props to you for your introspection.  Keep it up.  We'll do the best we can to support and guide on the boards.

What you do with pain in your life is a big deal.  Something I am starting to touch on with my T (I have before, but this is big area to NOT be confused on what you do and why). 

So if there is anyway you can take a hard look at your budget to find a T in there,

I really get the vibe that you are ready to make changes and/or accept things (end the struggle within you) for you.

A consistent theme on these boards, and one that I resisted for a long time but now embrace, is that so much of this is about us, because we are the ones making a choice to stay or to go (in a  r/s).

Notwendy is right on point with the 12 step suggestion.  Likely that is something you can do NOW (today, find one) while you are evaluating your budget.

Evaluating budget:  Take the long view here, this is big decision (what you do with your current r/s) and affects you AND your children.  So, if you have to work extra and kids get "less" of you for a few months or kids get less (fill in the blank), it is likely to be worth it.  Think strategically here,

FF

[patientandclear]

Hurt--just a few words to say I identify completely with what you wrote. Stepping away from the relationship has been so painful for me--for the reasons you say. I needed the happy ending; almost the worse it got, I needed it more (see trauma bonds). He was special and I thought and still think the connection was rare and real; painful to realize that it was rare to me but probably less so to him. Your concept that a big piece of you was talking to a small piece of him seems like a correct description of the maybe-real maybe-special connection.

In the end the BPD person in my life wanted to keep doing things that I find really hurtful. His ideas underlying those choices were deeply entrenched. He also does not want to be forced to change and even me stating my feelings was severely punished with his withdrawal, whether he thinks of it that way or not (it may be he just reacts in pain, not to punish. But I don't know for sure).

I still really miss him. The choice to stop participating in a dynamic which felt exploitative and which he had no commitment to change was very painful and is still painful. I have regrets.

I am, also, finally, back to the person I was before him. For a long time I never thought I'd get here. It feels like a big price to pay to have a functional life. I do feel like an addict who stopped using. It feels like a big but necessary loss.

My kid was quite damaged by the harm the r/ship did to me.  If I could have fixed that by being happy with him, I'd have preferred that, but he was not on the same page about my minimal requirements for happiness.

It's hard functioning "for" my kid and my work colleagues and my work objectives, and not to have on the horizon any happiness of the sort my "soul mate" brought.

I think your honesty with yourself about how much pressure the longing is putting on your decision making is very important. Someone wrote that mental health is the choice of reality over comfort; that seems like a useful way of understanding the meaning of the pain. It is not necessarily a guide to what to do.

[HurtinNW]

My kid was quite damaged by the harm the r/ship did to me. 

This is really hitting me now. I am appalled at myself for putting my kids through this. For some time I was able to tell myself they weren't witnessing his rages, which he always did when they were gone or asleep, and so were away from most the chaos. But having him come and go, make promises and then leave... .that is awful to do to kids.

I played my role in it too by putting my desire for the relationship over their stability and needs. And over time he stopped hiding his rage from them. He became increasingly petulant, intolerant, and scornful. One of the last blow ups before this most recent recycle he said something awful to my youngest son. Why would I reengage with someone who treats my kids like that? The kids have told me repeatedly they don't like him and were hurt by his behavior.

I think one of the hard parts of this period is waking up to these things and having to face them without minimizing them or being so hard on myself. I need to develop compassion for myself, and that is hard to do. I need to see my role in it too.

Notwendy, you are absolutely correct. The pain of abandonment from my childhood played out in our relationship as well. I wanted a relationship to help me heal from my childhood trauma. In fact I was pretty open about that with him. When this relationship was starting I had lost a brother to suicide, lost a foster child to the system, my homeless sister was angry I wouldn't let her live with me (though she blames me for everything) and then my mother committed suicide, which my family blamed me for. I was completely reeling and my childhood wounds were freshly opened and hurting. Badly. I was in therapy and trying to just survive those losses and what they meant.

I think one thing that drew me so powerfully to him was the sense initially of being adored and loved. It was like going hungry my whole life and suddenly being fed. Likewise, I think he initially responded to being a rescuer. I responded to being rescued, but I also responded to a lot of great qualities he has... .and he seemed to respond to great qualities I have. Sorting the wheat (the real) from the chaff (the fantasy, mirroring and BPD) is so hard.

One of our early couples counselors once said, "It is hard to have two needy people in a relationship." That made a lot of sense to me. I do think that of us being two needy people, I have the ability to reflect, take accountability and change. In fact he doesn't think he is needy at all. But it isn't a contest and doesn't matter if it is ending.

I did wake up with an insight this morning: I have done really well with my kids in not perpetuating the dysfunction of my family. My kids and I do not play the triangle, and have very healthy roles with me and each other. They can assert themselves, disagree, and resolve things. Interesting then that with my boyfriend I fell right back into the triangle. When I was being rescued I was the victim. Then I was cast as the persecutor. I played the victim and then I played the rescuer.

I will look into a 12 step group TODAY. I live in a city so it shouldn't be too hard.

FF: yes, and thank you too. I should budget for therapy. It is hard for me to find a therapist for my particular cultural background, but I should do so.

PatientandClear: I appreciate your empathy. It is so hard to chose to stop participating in a  dynamic that felt like it had so much potential. I have a lot of anger that he choses to not change. It is the same dynamic you describe: for me to even state my feelings, no matter how calmly, is punished by anger and withdrawal. His justifications for doing so seem entrenched.

Reality over comfort is a good way to look at this. My own mother always chose the comfort of her illness over her children. I do not want to do that to my kids. Or myself.

[Grey Kitty]

My kid was quite damaged by the harm the r/ship did to me. 

This is really hitting me now. I am appalled at myself for putting my kids through this. For some time I was able to tell myself they weren't witnessing his rages, which he always did when they were gone or asleep, and so were away from most the chaos. But having him come and go, make promises and then leave... .that is awful to do to kids.

 You won't be the first person who was able to do the right thing for her children before she was able to do it for herself. Nor will you be the last one.

Consider setting a hard and firm boundary--any future engagement you consider with him will keep him completely away from your children, at least for the first six months or year, to protect them from this again.

You are an adult; you can risk him leaving you again, knowing how much it will hurt next time. Your children aren't in a position to make that choice for themselves, you have to choose that for them.

[patientandclear]

Not necessarily disagreeing, but something to consider: in my case, the injury to my kid was due to my own sadness and anxiety. Not primarily due to my BPDex directly disappointing her. It was what the r/ship did to me that caused the harm to her. She describes it as the loss of her "happy mom." She still has anxiety when the mail comes or when I check my email in case he is re-opening communication. If she never saw him but knew I was, I think she would feel I was choosing him and my selfish desire to pursue a fantasy/trauma bond over her. I know she would not feel that way if I were spending time and energy on something that might actually make me happy--she is supportive when I consider dating others.

Only Hurt can know whether she can isolate her own hurt and anxiety from her kids' view. But from the description you gave above, Hurt, about how coming back together now just gets you to a normal where you feel "sad, traumatized and unloveable," I doubt that is something the kids will be unaware of or unaffected by.

That said ... .I am sad having left the r/ship (not just when I am in it) and my kid perceives that, too. I think she just trusts me more because the way I'm dealing with this sadness is not to avoid it by returning to its ultimate generator (the r/ship).

I will also say that when people said I owed it to my kid to leave the r/ship behind, however objectively true that was, it caused a lot of resistance in me. I feel I am entitled to pursue my own happiness and if something actually could make me happy, it is not illegitimate to prioritize that even if it's not an optimal stance as a parent (maybe I feel this so strongly in reaction to decades of putting the needs of others above my own). That said -- I have a hard time rationalizing staying in something that hurts my kid if it actually is also doing harm to me. At any rate, if it's possible not to view it as a contest btwn kid health and happiness versus your own, I think it makes the decision-making a little clearer.

[Grey Kitty]

Not necessarily disagreeing, but something to consider: in my case, the injury to my kid was due to my own sadness and anxiety. Not primarily due to my BPDex directly disappointing her.

Very good point.

HurtinNW also described direct disappointment and abandonment and other poor treatment her children experience from her pwBPD. That is easier for her to protect them from in the future.

The harm you mentioned is much harder for her to protect her kids from. Besides, pwBPD r/s or not, life will throw you issues that hurt you, and as a parent dealing with that with your kids is still part of parenting.

Tough choices any way you slice it.

[patientandclear]

For sure; it's just that, from kids' perspective, when we voluntarily keep re-engaging in such dynamics by choice, it can be very hard to process.

[HurtinNW]

My kid was quite damaged by the harm the r/ship did to me. 

This is really hitting me now. I am appalled at myself for putting my kids through this. For some time I was able to tell myself they weren't witnessing his rages, which he always did when they were gone or asleep, and so were away from most the chaos. But having him come and go, make promises and then leave... .that is awful to do to kids.

 You won't be the first person who was able to do the right thing for her children before she was able to do it for herself. Nor will you be the last one.

Consider setting a hard and firm boundary--any future engagement you consider with him will keep him completely away from your children, at least for the first six months or year, to protect them from this again.

You are an adult; you can risk him leaving you again, knowing how much it will hurt next time. Your children aren't in a position to make that choice for themselves, you have to choose that for them.

Thank you! I am thinking of two decisions:

One is deciding to take a year or more as a single person to heal and work my own trauma. No contact.

The second is the boundary you describe. If and when I do reengage with him, a mandatory period were he is not in contact with my kids.

Both these thoughts fill me with both relief and dread.

[tonkaster]

"One is deciding to take a year or more as a single person to heal and work my own trauma. No contact.

The second is the boundary you describe. If and when I do reengage with him, a mandatory period were he is not in contact with my kids."

These ideas sound phenomenal to me.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you! The hard part will be doing it. With my PTSD I really need a lot of structure and predictability. I need to find a way to "structure this up," as I do with my kids. I need a plan.

I'm afraid of repeating the pattern of before: making excuses to see him again. I think having a firm deadline for myself and this boundary will be helpful. Maybe I can make a commitment to someone or something?

I'm trying to think of ways to wrap myself in a structure to follow, that is what works for me. Not having a plan throws me into anxiety.

One difference this time is making a commitment to being single for a year. I have almost always had a partner, and the brief periods I did not I was looking for one. Deciding to be single and to try and enjoy it is a frightening new idea to me. I have a lot of work to do around that one.

Any ideas for structuring myself during this time would be appreciated... .

[Grey Kitty]

I've been single a year and a half now. Mine is at the end of a 25 year marriage. I've got more trauma from the loss of that long a marriage... .but don't have trauma dating back to childhood.

I spent the first five months coming to terms with my wife's decision to end the marriage. We both went back and forth a bit during that time, but we did live separated all that time too.

In a way I was lucky--my wife never gave me more than a half-way measure of an offer to reconcile, and I knew that half-way wasn't enough for me. So I didn't have to hold myself back from recycling.

I did try to focus on living my life, and adjusting to being single. It was hard in many ways, and was kinda cool in some others.

My one bit of advice is that the part about "try to enjoy being single" as a goal that you will utterly fail at some of the time. There is nothing enjoyable about grieving a lost relationship, but you need to do it anyway. As you heal from that, you will find more things you enjoy.

I did find some real joy in simply figuring out what I liked and wanted without somebody else's preferences mixed up in the equation.