Escalation in the house

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'll try to keep this concise:

1. Non BPDs 15 anxious for last 3 weeks. I met with school.

2. Told husband we need to support him by creating happier atmosphere at home, help manage homework and revision

3. Dealing with Badly managed (on my part) 2nd month boundary with BPDs25.

4. Husband not coping with any of us:

A.  :)eep resentment at BPDs getting high every day

B.  Frustration with non BPD focussing all attention on 1st girlfriend and their dramas

C.  Thinks I'm pussyfooting around with them both

Husband ended up swearing and shouting at non BPD after having a drink last night. This has never happened before and my son was VERY upset. Son comes downstairs to see me and husband follows him and starts on me "you're pussyfooting around and Im sick to death of it". He storms out, My son told me he's scared of his dad, that's why he told me this week that he doesn't feel welcome in the house, his dad is always criticising him

I tried explaining to my son about adults being under a lot of pressure, husband comes back in and snipes (can't remember what) and my son says **ick under his breath and I told him to shush. I just wanted husband out if the house as I didn't want to shout back and the whole episode escalating,

I'm seriously doubting my marriage. How can he behave so. I knows he's scared but he's supposed to be the adult.

Bpd's traits kicked off at 15 and there's serious issues in relationship with dad.

Non BPDs really struggling and gets lashed out at

Ironic, husband had a breakdown 13 years ago and lost his career and needed LOTS of support, he's not resilient when it comes to pressures. He's losing his sons if he carries in in this manner.

I'm reeling. Both of my sons are walking on egg shells with their dad.

Oh my dear God. We've been married for 32 years and it's dawning that I may have to leave with them as this whole thing won't work if we don't stand together. We are not on the same page AT ALL.

L

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Not to imply that your H is BPD, nor to excuse him, but his emotional skills are limited. The low hanging fruit s S15. The validation skills work on anyone.

It sounds very hard, that you may feel trapped trying to manage the emotional lives of three others in your family. It's understandable to reach out to the other person who seems to be the most stable, in order to reduce conflict. However, he lashed out at you, too.

As much as you are trying to keep it together, can you validate his feelings, S15? Not to paint this as a war scenario, but if he feels safe talking to you, it may reduce conflict in the household overall. What do you think?

[Lollypop]

Hi Turkish

S15 has really opened up to me this week and he's really struggling. I've been using validation and my new skills are really helping calm his peaks.  its clear that s15 doesn't trust his dad. S15 had a tiff with GF and son was beside himself, literally sobbing and I managed to calm him down. It got resolved within the hour. He's very delicate at the moment.

S15 and H have  always had a good relationship but s15 has always been the golden boy, sporty and high achiever. Now s15 is growing up and making decisions (H doesn't agree with).

H relationship with BPDs25 has been improving with our changes in behaviour.  This has been the biggest positive change in years. I honestly feel we are on the brink of something good.  H feels otherwise.

Trying to be mindful.

S15 is going out all day to GF (he doesn't want to be near H)

I will try and resolve situation with BPDs 25 regarding financial boundaries.

H will want to talk. I just want him shut up. I can't think at the moment. I'm so mad on many levels. How dare he.

Thanks Turkish.

L

[Turkish]

It sounds like S15 is differentiating himself, maturing beyond the expectations of who he has been told to be. Encourage it, without losing him, or giving him too much slack that he naturally fails. He's not responsible for his father's feelings, nor anyone's. However, it's tough at 15 to balance this between that and also realizing that he is still a part of the family unit.

[Lollypop]

Thanks Turkish

Excellent advice. I can see we gave our BPDs25 too much slack at this very point. We both drew on our own experiences where our parents left us to it.

I'm determined to get this right. S15 is a fantastic young man and very well liked by teachers and friends. It's a boy school so there's many male models to look to

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollipop

How shocking for S15 and you. I'm thinking of you   as you move forward, determined as you say  

I hope S15 and you have received an apology and the conversation with H provides everyone a way forward.

You've seen positive change through validating and skills building - is your husband practicing or just letting you do all the work and he focusing on his pressures and his fears?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi

Two apologies received. H is mortified at his own behaviour.

I told him exactly how s15 feels, I didn't hold my punches.

H said "I'm at a complete loss and I just don't know what to do". I told him "you know exactly what you need to do and that's concentrate on one thing and that's building a relationship with both of your sons. Everything else will fall into place with hard work".

I'm holding back on talking about our own relationship and my feelings. H is extremely tired and emotional. Today is not the right time but I will deal with this. I'm amazed I can even admit this, but if it comes down to a choice I will choose my sons and see the three of us in a positive, nurturing and loving environment. I will not allow this type of behaviour to carry on.

Yes, H allows me to do all the work while he focuses on his self pity and fears. He's miserable. I have little sympathy.

Thanks everyone for your support

L

[wendydarling]

Been thinking of you Lollypop,   thought I'd let you be. Till now!  Hope you had a good day today