"Do not contact me again"

[sweet tooth]

Well, I'm almost three weeks into NC. She told me she "needed space." I waited two weeks, contacted her telling her to take her time, and she responded by saying, "do not contact me again."

I simply responded by saying (paraphrased), "goodbye. I was falling in love with you and willing to put up with your emotional stability. I wish you the best."

That was almost three weeks ago. I think about her every day and have been crying just about every day. I also started counseling last week. I really do love her and I really am willing to tolerate her instability (even though it drives me crazy).

She told me not to contact her, and I refuse to do so unless she contacts me first (even though I desperately want to). She has a book of mine that I want back, but I have a feeling it's being used for leverage. I also noticed that she's been creeping my LinkdIn page, which I find odd. It's impossible to tell if she creeps my Facebook. She deactivated it. She's capable of re-activating it on a whim, without posting, and I'd be none the wiser.

Now I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. A it over? Is it a matter of time before she pops back up? The must hurtful part is not knowing. There's been no closure.

[Daniell85]

If she is creeping you, then she clearly still has an interest.

It's possible she has been feeling engulfed and needs time to calm down.

The rejection is really hard, I know it. So you deciding you will not be contacting her is very good 

That is current status quo. A few weeks can seem like a million years when you are so attached.

No one can know if she will pop up again. You can't do anything about her.  You are another story. You say you are willing to tolerate her instability, though it is driving you crazy. Crazy is a bad place to be. It sounds like some of your self work here is in getting detachment, radical acceptance, and building your own self esteem back up, along with a lot of self care.

Also, telling her you are "willing to put up with your emotional instability" is pretty shaming to a BPD. It's like saying "you are an awful person but I am noble enough to rise above your crap."  First thing a lot of  BPD wants to do is run and hide and not be seen that way by someone who is trying to be intimate with them. If they are so terrible, you have a good chance of showing disgust of them and abandoning them. Not a good risk for someone who has such a fear of it.

Where would you like to go to from here? Do you think you can really be able to be in this relationship under the conditions of not projecting " I am putting up with your mental problems" ?

Start with your own self. And you are not alone in that, I am having to learn to start there first, too. Sometimes you have to heal a while and self care a lot before you can even start to try and be there for someone else who will need a lot from you.

[sweet tooth]

I don't know if she has BPD. She has some BPD traits, but no diagnosis. Also, she is aware that she is emotionally unstable. She has told me that she's "screwed up," doesn't deserve me, etc. I don't know if a truly BPD person is self aware enough to realize that they have a problem. She clearly does. She's also apologized to me before and owner up to when she's made me feel badly (at times). I only texted that because I was severely emotionally distraught at the time. I was insensitively discarded by the one person I care(d)most about in my entire life. I think that's enough for the most stable of men to reach their boiling point and honestly say what was on his mind. Maybe I overreacted. Maybe I could have chosen my words more carefully. If she wants to interpret that as any more than I care about her enough to accept her faults, then that's her problem.

[Grey Kitty]

You aren't likely to get good clear, clean closure from her.

Mixed messages like telling you not to contact her, while watching/following you online fit her flavor of mental illness pretty well.

I don't think it will make much difference in whether you reconcile with her or not in the end... .but I do agree with Daniell85 that comments about her emotional stability (even though she has acknowledged that it is a problem!) aren't going to improve your relationship with her.

The bigger question is what do you want?

How long are you willing to wait for her to come back from pushing you away like she is now?

[JRT]

I can relate to this very well sweet tooth and I think that would be the case with many people on this board. My relationship was virtually trouble free; we were very much in love and decided to get married. Mine left right after she moved in while I was away and demanded that I never contact her again after she blocked me from contact in every way imaginable. There was no discussion or conversation about any issues, just the cut and run. The couple of times over the past year and a half that I did try to contact her were met with responses through lawyer friends and the cops threatening legal action!

Yet she not only stalks me on social media (I caught her red handed), but she was in the practice of 'silent' calling me for many months until recently. More eyebrow raising still, was that she reached out to a friend that I MADE HERE and was actually carrying on a discussion with her. She has also been silent calling my daughter. Its very confusing behavior.

What yours will do is difficult to predict. While many of their behaviors seem to fit a pattern, some are difficult to pigeon hole. Mine is stubborn and I suspect that although it kills her, she will never contact me. I think that I dodged a bullet.

[sweet tooth]

The bigger question is what do you want?

How long are you willing to wait for her to come back from pushing you away like she is now?

What I want is impossible. I want Mr. Hyde to disappear and have her, her child, and me drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I want her to be consistent. What I want is a fantasy.

[sweet tooth]

I can relate to this very well sweet tooth and I think that would be the case with many people on this board. My relationship was virtually trouble free; we were very much in love and decided to get married. Mine left right after she moved in while I was away and demanded that I never contact her again after she blocked me from contact in every way imaginable. There was no discussion or conversation about any issues, just the cut and run. The couple of times over the past year and a half that I did try to contact her were met with responses through lawyer friends and the cops threatening legal action!

Yet she not only stalks me on social media (I caught her red handed), but she was in the practice of 'silent' calling me for many months until recently. More eyebrow raising still, was that she reached out to a friend that I MADE HERE and was actually carrying on a discussion with her. She has also been silent calling my daughter. Its very confusing behavior.

What yours will do is difficult to predict. While many of their behaviors seem to fit a pattern, some are difficult to pigeon hole. Mine is stubborn and I suspect that although it kills her, she will never contact me. I think that I dodged a bullet.

That is completely bizarre, bro. I wish there was something I could do for you beyond giving you my two cents, which I'm not professionally qualified to give. In the long run, all of us who don't have kids with these women dodge bullets. However, dodging a bullet doesn't take away the emotional trauma that comes along with almost being shot by a person you care about.

[sweet tooth]

JRT, it's funny that you said there was no communication. Mine refused to discuss my side of it. She told me that there was "no spark," which obviously confused me. After close to a year, that excuse doesn't fly. She told me point blank, "It's not to be discussed. It's to be accepted," which completely invalidated me.

Also, the legal action thing is why I refuse to contact her. She's had to go to family court with her ex-husband over twenty times in the past year and a half. According to her, he's a sociopath and the one causing all of the legal issues, but I have my doubts. She had a restraining order against him and vilified him to me. Who knows how much of it is true?

[JRT]

There is no excuse that holds water for what they do and what they think. How does one justify the poor logic of mental illness? Hence yours blames things on 'no spark' (whatever that means) and her conflict with her ex projecting her OWN mental illness upon him (mine it seems, is telling people that I'm either a narcissist or a controlling stalker). I recycled with mine a few times and a day later, I failed to understand what it was all about (although she would infer after each episode that she 'needed to see someone' - as in a therapist).

Manipulating the legal system, it seems, is one of the common choices from the BPD toolbox. Yours had demonstrated that she is prepared to use the courts to get her disordered way so it is logical to assume that she would do the same with you. Its wise of you to stay away for this reason as she would likely point this tactic at you as well.

The other leitmotif is for them to place all blame for the failure of the relationship on you. Its never their fault and never will be. Its all you... .YOU and you alone are the cause of the breakup.

[Daniell85]

Many of us here are in a sort of suspended state where we are not in contact with our ex. For myself and a few others, we aren't ready to let go completely, but we also don't see anything else we can (or are willing) to do at this point.

What do you do then? I am learning the lessons on the site in ways I didn't before. Focus on my day to day, what I need for my own self right now. Picking back up therapy, processing things. Trying to understand about my own self in this relationship. The why, or how, or where the seed of things are for me.

That doesn't exclude a possible relationship at a later time with my ex. In fact, I think he wants one, and will want one later. He wants it at my expense, though. He wants to act in ways that fundamentally undermine any real relationship. He feels I deserve to be punished by him and he carries out the provocations and punishments. He feels that way, but I don't feel that way about myself.

Hence, we are apart.

So OP, focus on yourself a while. Recover stability and self esteem. Build your life up. Try and understand yourself.

[JRT]

He feels I deserve to be punished by him and he carries out the provocations and punishments.

I felt that this was interesting Danielle... .I am not challenging you on this. Rather, I want to know more; did he tell you this? Why did he feel that you deserve to be punished?

[sweet tooth]

Manipulating the legal system, it seems, is one of the common choices from the BPD toolbox. Yours had demonstrated that she is prepared to use the courts to get her disordered way so it is logical to assume that she would do the same with you. Its wise of you to stay away for this reason as she would likely point this tactic at you as well.

The other leitmotif is for them to place all blame for the failure of the relationship on you. Its never their fault and never will be. Its all you... .YOU and you alone are the cause of the breakup.

She always played the victim. Her exes were "shellfish and abusive," especially the Tec-husband. One thing that always confused the hell out of me: when the kid was with their father, she would call to say good night to the kid. Most of the time the ex-husband would just hang up. One time he deactivated his phone and she flipped out under the guise of "what if there's a problem with our child? I NEED to be in contact with him!" Now, if somebody a used me as badly as she told me he did, I wouldn't ever want to communicate with them beyond what was necessary. However, she continually would call to say goodnight to the kid. I am

Now asking myself questions:

-Did he hang up not to be a jerk, but to avoid her nonsense?

-Did he change his number because she was harssing him?

-She told me that he recorded the child transitions "to be dramatic." Was the real reason because he was tired of being falsely accused. Keep in mind, the child transitions are at POLICE STATIONS.

-She complained when he brought his new woman to family court with him. Was this because she couldn't stand seeing him with someone else? Did he feel like he NEEDED support?

All I have to go on is her word. I never met the guy. He could be a complete jerk as she described him, he could actually be the victim, or they both could have some issues (which is probably the true story). I just don't know, and I don't know how to cope.

[sweet tooth]

There is no excuse that holds water for what they do and what they think. How does one justify the poor logic of mental illness? Hence yours blames things on 'no spark' (whatever that means) and her conflict with her ex projecting her OWN mental illness upon him (mine it seems, is telling people that I'm either a narcissist or a controlling stalker).

That's very interesting. Mine labels her ex-husband as a "narcissist" and a "sociopath." She also claims that with him it's "all about control." She claims that he doesn't even care about their two year old kid, and the kid is already "smarter than I am and starting to see him for what he is." In hindsight, that is ridiculous. How can a two year old see their parent as negative, even if they are?

[JRT]

I think that you are on to something regarding the child and its father. The bigger question ad consideration is what the child is doing with dad to begin with. I mean you REALLY have to have to be a mess for the courts to give custody to the father.  As you noted that this was an active case, I suppose that there was a custody battle?

Ah... .control. That's a fairly standard reply as well. Mine used it to describe her ex's. Its a one size fits all term just like 'alcoholic'. No one bothers to challenge it and just accept it as being and in nicely infers the issues related to it almost entirely exonerating them and making the non out to be the boogie man. Mine is a quiet borderline and it makes her more believable... .not that I care.

[sweet tooth]

I think that you are on to something regarding the child and its father. The bigger question ad consideration is what the child is doing with dad to begin with. I mean you REALLY have to have to be a mess for the courts to give custody to the father.  As you noted that this was an active case, I suppose that there was a custody battle?

Ah... .control. That's a fairly standard reply as well. Mine used it to describe her ex's. Its a one size fits all term just like 'alcoholic'. No one bothers to challenge it and just accept it as being and in nicely infers the issues related to it almost entirely exonerating them and making the non out to be the boogie man. Mine is a quiet borderline and it makes her more believable... .not that I care.

The father only gets the kid every other weekend. She would call when he had her on those days. I think mine is a "Madonna waif." She refused to do anything sexual with me because of reasons that were, in my opinion, ridiculous. It was all or nothing. She didn't want to have sex with me because:

A. I don't have a lot of sexual experience

B. She wouldn't be able to get it as frequently as she wanted because of extenuating circumstances.

I asked her why we couldn't just kiss and go from there and she said, "that would make me want sex." I think it was all about control.

[Daniell85]

JRT, because when I asked him why he was, for example, giving me silent treatment, he told me it was because he was upset at me for something I said or did. We are not talking a day or 2 of ST. We are talking a week or up to months of it.

What did I do? I showed anxiety about where he was at because he has cheated on me. So he blocked me for 4 months and gave me silent treatment. I said, I would prefer to work together on things instead of us inflicting hurt on each other and he said "I am not doing it to you, you are doing it to yourself." ie, I am MAKING him give me silent treatment and blocking for months at a time because I show anxiety and a lack of trust to him.

He told me he will never ever be anyone's victim again. So as soon as he gets upset at me or other people, he lashes out in some way. I am not sure how to tell him that in fact he IS being a victim because he feels the need to retaliate and punish anyone he feels offended at.

[Grey Kitty]

The bigger question is what do you want?

How long are you willing to wait for her to come back from pushing you away like she is now?

What I want is impossible. I want Mr. Hyde to disappear and have her, her child, and me drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after. I want her to be consistent. What I want is a fantasy.

So... .if you accept her as a real person, both the loving one and the abusive one, switching places for reasons  you have no control over... .what do you want with this real person, instead of the fantasy person you wish existed?


I just realized that her child is from her exhusband. Have you been a full step-parent to the child?

I'm guessing that given all this, you have no legal right to shared custody/visitation, and no legal obligation for any child support.

[sweet tooth]

Grey Kitty: I don't know. That's why I am in therapy. I only met the kid once. That is not an issue at this point in time.

My situation is very mild compared to the other horror stories I read on here. My person can be insensitive and cold. She'll do things that are illogical and hurtful, but she's never been violent or dangerous in my presence. And like I've said, I don't know if she has BPD. She exhibits some of those traits, but I am not qualified to make a diagnosis.

[sweet tooth]

JRT, because when I asked him why he was, for example, giving me silent treatment, he told me it was because he was upset at me for something I said or did. We are not talking a day or 2 of ST. We are talking a week or up to months of it.

Been there. The disappearing act thing sucks.

[JRT]

JRT, because when I asked him why he was, for example, giving me silent treatment, he told me it was because he was upset at me for something I said or did. We are not talking a day or 2 of ST. We are talking a week or up to months of it.

What did I do? I showed anxiety about where he was at because he has cheated on me. So he blocked me for 4 months and gave me silent treatment. I said, I would prefer to work together on things instead of us inflicting hurt on each other and he said "I am not doing it to you, you are doing it to yourself." ie, I am MAKING him give me silent treatment and blocking for months at a time because I show anxiety and a lack of trust to him.

He told me he will never ever be anyone's victim again. So as soon as he gets upset at me or other people, he lashes out in some way. I am not sure how to tell him that in fact he IS being a victim because he feels the need to retaliate and punish anyone he feels offended at.

Were they ST's (not sure if you lived together) or did he breakup and then recycle?

[Daniell85]

Silent treatments that go from a few hours of refusing a response to a couple of days on a regular basis to going into a full out silent treatment for a week or two or months.

I am not sure if they are breakups. He made clear he is withdrawing to punish. He will calm down and make himself available and want to go forward like nothing happened, except I was terrible and he was my victim. As long as I accept that position in the situation, he is happy enough.

It's been really destructive to me.

No, we have never lived together. We were planning a marriage at one point, but he cheated, I left, and recently I found (last fall) that ow got pregnant and aborted child on valentines day to retaliate against him for something. That was in 2013, so two years went by without me knowing it. He expects me to just gloss it over. I can't right now.

So off he runs, because recall, he is the victim. And I have shown a lot of mistrust, which I think probably is setting off shame for him, then a ton of raging.

He provokes further by not keeping boundaries currently with other women.

I can't heal under these conditions, so I removed myself from contact with him. He hasn't seen nor heard from me for nearly a month. Not even on social sites, skype, or any online place I typically am. I am just not there anymore.

[sweet tooth]

Silent treatments that go from a few hours of refusing a response to a couple of days on a regular basis to going into a full out silent treatment for a week or two or months.

I am not sure if they are breakups. He made clear he is withdrawing to punish. He will calm down and make himself available and want to go forward like nothing happened, except I was terrible and he was my victim. As long as I accept that position in the situation, he is happy enough.

It's been really destructive to me.

No, we have never lived together. We were planning a marriage at one point, but he cheated, I left, and recently I found (last fall) that ow got pregnant and aborted child on valentines day to retaliate against him for something. That was in 2013, so two years went by without me knowing it. He expects me to just gloss it over. I can't right now.

So off he runs, because recall, he is the victim. And I have shown a lot of mistrust, which I think probably is setting off shame for him, then a ton of raging.

He provokes further by not keeping boundaries currently with other women.

I can't heal under these conditions, so I removed myself from contact with him. He hasn't seen nor heard from me for nearly a month. Not even on social sites, skype, or any online place I typically am. I am just not there anymore.

I, too, got the withdrawals. She wouldn't respond for weeks or up to a month and then come back like nothing happened (like you said). She would tell me, "I become withdrawn at times" but usually wouldn't tell me why. One time it was due to depression. I suggested she get counseling and she said, "I feel like you are someone I can talk to." The fact that she would disappear and come back if what makes me think I haven't heard the last from her, even though this time she told me not to contact her. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  I feel very conflicted about it. Is she testing me? Is she engulfed/dysregulating? Will she pretend it never happened eventually? Do I WANT to go through this again? It's all very unsettling.

That abortion thing is WAY too much to handle. You're totally doing the right thing, in my opinion, by cutting him out. That is a line that cannot ethically be crossed. God bless you. The audacity of him to expect you to reconcile after that!

[unicorn2014]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

[sweet tooth]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

Because when I was with her she usually made me feel special and good about myself. They were some of the best times of my life. If she treated me poorly all or even most of the time this would be easy.

[JRT]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

Doesn't that go without saying?

[sweet tooth]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

Doesn't that go without saying?

You would think so, but some people respond differently than others. It's a fair question.

She brought out the best in me when she was at baseline. I found a confidence and peace that I hadn't felt in years. She made me want to become the best version of myself. Call it what you want, but that's how she made me feel.

On the other hand, when she's dysregulating and withdrawn I become anxious and depressed. It's like having the extremes of heaven and hell wrapped in one package, if that makes sense.

[unicorn2014]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

Because when I was with her she usually made me feel special and good about myself. They were some of the best times of my life. If she treated me poorly all or even most of the time this would be easy.

I guess my next question would be is what have the people around you been advising you to do?

[unicorn2014]

Hi, may I ask the reason you are struggling with letting go of her?

Doesn't that go without saying?

You would think so, but some people respond differently than others. It's a fair question.

She brought out the best in me when she was at baseline. I found a confidence and peace that I hadn't felt in years. She made me want to become the best version of myself. Call it what you want, but that's how she made me feel.

On the other hand, when she's dysregulating and withdrawn I become anxious and depressed. It's like having the extremes of heaven and hell wrapped in one package, if that makes sense.

Do you think there is an addictive component to your relationship?

[sweet tooth]

And my mother is a nuerotic mess who has poor boundaries. In fact, pretty much every woman in my family is nuerotic with the exception of my one grandmother.  It makes sense from a psychological standpoint that I would become attached to a neurotic woman.

My older sister has been a self-centered bully my entire life. She has almost zero regards for my feelings. Being treated poorly is normal for me.

[sweet tooth]

In my opinion there is at least a minor addictive component to any close relationship. Why do you think people grieve when their loved ones die but not when a stranger dies?