Another possible BPD?

[richardson]

Since my divorce I have dated a few girls, and all seem BPD.  But here is my new story.

Met a girl through online dating and we saw each other 3 times within 5 days.

She asked what I am looking for, and I said ideally a drama free relationship, I would like to cohabitate with a woman and help each other, and go from there.

In between our dates, she was constantly sending me nude pics.   Told me she wants to go on the pill for me.  Told me I can bring home girls for a threesome.   Wants to give me a nuru massage.  Etc.  She also loves that I am a dad.  So she is seemingly very into me.

As for her, when we started talking she told me she is single.  Then she said divorced.  And now it is some long story as to why she isn't really divorced. 

She moved back to my state to settle her fathers estate.  He passed away.  She left her child with her "ex husband" and has not seen either of them for 4 months.  She said she didn't want to take her child out of school, disrupt their lives etc.  Also his side of the family has a big support network that helps with the kid.

She said she would like to live with me if I would be open to it. She is starting a new job, doesn't like to live alone, apartments are expensive etc.  She will be in a better place in a few months.

So on Monday night she called me and we talked.  She told me she misses her kid etc.  being through divorce I understand.  The topic of living together came up , and I suggested we start seeing each other more and see how it goes.  She wanted to see me Tuesday.  Said she would be over at 3 to avoid traffic.   So all is good. This was at 10pm.

She then calls me at 10am the following morning.  She says "change of plans but great news!  I am seeing my son today!  I am driving 3 hours to see him". I was taken back, but also concurred great news and that was it.

I asked her how long she would be gone and she said "a couple of days".

She then sent me a few long texts telling me how much she likes me, and will miss be, but she might be slow responding to my texts as her ex will be around, and she is busy with her kids.  But not to worry at all that she is flaking or ghosting me.  I said no problem, text me when you are coming back.

That was 5 days ago and I have not heard one word.  Dead silence. She also left some things at my house.


So is this all very odd? I mean

A. The day she wanted to start to see me more all of a sudden has to leave town?

But then assures me later she isn't flaking. (Without me asking)

B. Says she will be gone "a couple days" which to me means 2.  5 days later still silence. 

C. I would think she would text me a photo of her, her son etc. but nothing.

D. Why come on soo strong and then slip into dead silence?

[JQ]

Hey Richardson ... .

I certainly can't tell you what to do ... .but if I was in your position ... ."RUUUUUNNN!"  Run away very VERY fast and NEVER NEVER EVER LOOK BACK!    Then ... .IMHO ... .you need to seek out a really good therapist who is very educated in the BPD / NON relationship cycle and get her constant guidance and direction.  BY you own admission you have seem to have dated MORE then one BPD.  The continuing and ongoing issue isn't with them ... .but with you ... .as a NON you are naturally attracted to them very much like the opposites attract of magnets. There's a book on this strange relationship ... ."The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .you can find it at your therapist office or in the public library and I really suggest that you read it.

I would cut off all contact with this BPD s/o ... .because you are repeating the cycle until you find a good and healthy place for yourself.  EVERYTHING you mention about this girl SCREAMS BPD ... .are you just blissfully ignoring it ... .or are you really that naive to see the warning signs? Single then divorce but NOT really divorced? sending nude pics within 5 days of the initial meet? WARNING WARNING ... .would you really want to take her home to meet your mom? The pill comment? The constant changing of plans at the last moment ... .yes ... .YES she is BPD and you should run away very fast.

So ... .lets look at the root of the issue ... .by your own admission you have dated several women that in your opinion are BPD including the latest one. Soo ... .block and delete her number ... .on Monday call a good therapist ... .read the references at the top of the page and too the right of the page ------------------>>>>>>>>> 

You need to slow down cowboy ... .for those who do NOT learn from the past ARE condemned to repeat the past!   And from what you're telling us ... .you're repeating BPD cycle after cycle ... .and until you look inward ... .really do a deep dive on why you are the codependent that you are ... .you will continue to repeat this cycle.  You might not like what you find on your self discovery journey ... .but in the end ... .it's going to help you learn about yourself ... .your past ... .and help you in the future ... .then and only then will you be ready for a mutual, respectful, loving and caring relationship ... .

J

[richardson]

Hey Richardson ... .

I certainly can't tell you what to do ... .but if I was in your position ... ."RUUUUUNNN~!"  Run away very VERY fast and NEVER NEVER EVER LOOK BACK~!    Then ... .IMHO ... .you need to seek out a really good therapist who is very educated in the BPD / NON relationship cycle and get her constant guidance and direction.  BY you own admission you have seem to have dated MORE then one BPD.  The continuing and ongoing issue isn't with them ... .but with you ... .as a NON you are naturally attracted to them very much like the opposites attract of magnets. There's a book on this strange relationship ... ."The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... .you can find it at your therapist office or in the public library and I really suggest that you read it.

I would cut off all contact with this BPD s/o ... .because you are repeating the cycle until you find a good and healthy place for yourself.  EVERYTHING you mention about this girl SCREAMS BPD ... .are you just blissfully ignoring it ... .or are you really that naive to see the warning signs? Single then divorce but NOT really divorced? sending nude pics within 5 days of the initial meet? WARNING WARNING ... .would you really want to take her home to meet your mom? The pill comment? The constant changing of plans at the last moment ... .yes ... .YES she is BPD and you should run away very fast.

So ... .lets look at the root of the issue ... .by your own admission you have dated several women that in your opinion are BPD including the latest one. Soo ... .block and delete her number ... .on Monday call a good therapist ... .read the references at the top of the page and too the right of the page ------------------>>>>>>>>> 

You need to slow down cowboy ... .for those who do NOT learn from the past ARE condemned to repeat the past~!   And from what you're telling us ... .you're repeating BPD cycle after cycle ... .and until you look inward ... .really do a deep dive on why you are the codependent that you are ... .you will continue to repeat this cycle.  You might not like what you find on your self discovery journey ... .but in the end ... .it's going to help you learn about yourself ... .your past ... .and help you in the future ... .then and only then will you be ready for a mutual, respectful, loving and caring relationship ... .

J

Thanks for your reply.  And yes I do seem to attract these types. And am attracted to them. 

One more thing.  And perhaps I am over analyzing.

Last Sunday she invited me over for brunch. Sent me a photo of her house.  I had my son, and she said there are tennis courts in her neighborhood etc.  She also wanted me to meet her mom.  So I planned on going.

Then an hour before she calls with a "change of plans".  And says she would rather come to me as her mom is acting weird.  She does bring lots of food, desserts etc.  but to me it is odd that she changed plans in this manner. 

The dead silence for 5 days is just so odd to me.  She already wanted me to meet her mom? 

To be honest not even sure if she went to see her son. 

[richardson]

I guess what I am also trying to figure out is this.

I live in a larger city.  Are many of the women who are attractive, sexy AND single perhaps highly emotional with BPD characteristics?

I mean they must be hit on a lot, in person and on the net, so it seems odd they are single. 

It seems many women go from guy to guy to guy and are an emotional mess

[richardson]

I guess what I am also trying to figure out is this.

I live in a larger city.  Are many of the women who are attractive, sexy AND single perhaps highly emotional with BPD characteristics?

I mean they must be hit on a lot, in person and on the net, so it seems odd they are single. 

It seems many women go from guy to guy to guy and are an emotional mess

Well I just texted her to see what was going on and she texted back that she was going to call.  Then she texted again "I am going to work things out with my ex. I miss my kid too much". I was like "ok good luck".  Then she started with "it isn't easy. I am so torn.  I am suffering. I don't know what to do" blah blah

[JQ]

richardson,

With about 70 post here on the site you've read a few things, and hopefully learned a few things.  BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness with more then one study indicating that they will NEVER be cured ... .but the best one could hope for is some sort of "management of behavior" to some degree.  They have extreme fear of abandonment and engulfment among all the other issues they have. What you describe in your latest string is similar to what I experienced with my exBPDgf ... ."I'm confused, I don't know what to do, I'm broke" and the list goes on.

I believe where you should concentrate your energy is on yourself for the foreseeable future. You exhibit classic behavior of a NON aka codependent, aka care giver. IMHO you should find a really good therapist to help you sort out your thoughts, emotions, feelings of this exBPDgf of yours ... .but more importantly you need to look deep within yourself and your history to really find out why you attract these women.  Only then will you start the process of moving forward and learning and preparing yourself for a mutual respectful relationship with a woman that you want and deserve.

I really wouldn't be to concerned at this point why women go from "guy to guy and are an emotional mess".  You need to be more concerned with you and your actions & behaviors. Be honest with yourself ... .

You are at a point where you have to decide to continue down the path your on ... .take the path to the right and see where that goes on your journey ... .or stay exactly where you're at ... .the choice has been and will always be yours to make ... .

J

[richardson]

Well as a follow up during my last post she ended it with me saying she will work things out with her ex because of her kid. 

I explained it was odd to have such a sudden change of mind, but was more or less like "ok wish you the best"

Within 2 hours she texts she would still like to see me. Saying she can't live a life of misery anymore with her ex.  She talked to her mom about it, etc. More or less I told her I need consistency, and I am not into texting all the time.  If she wants to see me, let me know.

The following day I asked if she wants her things back that she left at my place.  She said that was funny, and that she would like to live with me until she gets her entire inheritance. A few hours later she said she wants to be my gf.   Later that day she suggested we buy a very large home together after the summer.

I was just like "ok if we see each other we can see how it goes".

Now for he odd part.  She drives an hour and a half to see me.  Apologizes, explains she is in a tough spot etc.  but she very clearly asks me things like "would you be my bf". "Would you like to buy a home with me". Etc. I am not sure what type of answers she wants.  I mean obviously just 2 days ago she said she will not be with me again.

So, again she promises that she would never be with her ex, wants to be with me etc.  she goes home, and her ex is bringing the kid from out of state for Easter.

Once again, swears she will never be with him. And she wants to see me Sunday night. 

Now up until 930 am she is texting me how she misses me, wants to be in my bed etc. Then just 10 minutes later she texts "I am sorry.  I know I said I wouldn't do this.  He is here.  I am an emotional wreck.  Just delete my number.  I am no good for you"

I mean is it possible that someone changes their mind this quickly?  Why even tell

Me that minute and not wait?

[JQ]

Richardson,

You continue to explain stereotypical BPD behavior ... .YOU are trying to apply "LOGIC" to Cluster B mental illness that defies logic.  It's really hard to understand how & what BPD does to people ... .not just to themselves but to the people that love them like parents, children, spouses, s/o.

You said, "she very clearly asks me things like "would you be my bf". "Would you like to buy a home with me" ... .this statement of hers seems to scream to her abandonment fears.  Within the BPD brain evidence suggest that they have some MAJOR issues with impulse control, self regulation behavior ... .it would seem to suggest if I don't want him to leave me, I need to buy a home with him ... .or in other cases that are expressed here in the forums ... .the BPD "traps" the NON by becoming pregnant so they, "the NON" feels obligated to stay with them. One of the symptoms that a BPD have is that they have poor financial control or management. My exBPDgf is tens of thousands of dollars in debt due to poor impulse control when it comes to buying things ... .and to think I almost paid off her entire debt ... .I thankful to dodge that bullet.

You said, "  Now up until 930 am she is texting me how she misses me, & Then just 10 minutes later she texts "I am sorry.  I know I said I wouldn't do this.  He is here.  I am an emotional wreck.  Just delete my number.  I am no good for you" ... .To answer you question ... ."I mean is it possible that someone changes their mind this quickly?"  Yes, it is possible for someone with BPD to change their mind minute to minute AND is quite common in the BPD world.  I have dozens of similar stories that would make your head spin. The minute by minute flip flopping was the most frustrating to deal with. Again this goes back to their irrational behavior & impulse control issues in addition to other behavioral problems that this serious Mental Illness affects within the brain both emotionally and physically. 

My exBPDgf has been seeing Ph.d's, clinical physiologist and therapist for 25 years and still has serious impulse control, behavioral problems in addition to all the other classic BPD things you hear about. Once I learned that her impulse control, her bad behavior was a result of severe Cluster B mental illness it was easier for me to accept and move on in my own life.   

Borderline personality disorder is one of the most contentious of all the personality disorders. Evidence of structural and functional deficit in brain areas central to regulation, attention and self-control, and executive function have been described in BPD. Whatever your intention is you'll need to learn a whole new language of BPD such as gas lighting, splitting, painted black, painted white, triangulation, engulfment, abandonment, invalidation, deregulation, projection, shaming, triggering and the list goes on.

NOTHING about BPD has or WILL makes logical sense to you ... .or anyone of us for that matter.  It's why you should seek out a therapist with a lot of BPD experience to assist you ... .to guide you on your journey of self discovery. You can't & will NEVER change someone with BPD ... .but you can learn about yourself which is the most important aspect of this journey of yours ... .   

Like most of those on this sight we've come to learn we are a codependent ... .we are the Knight in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves. We are the Sheriff in the White hat riding in to save the day. We are the perfectionist who work so very hard to make things right so that we can live a happy life ... .because if everything is right with our BPD s/o ... .then there will be no reason to rage ... .there will be no reason for Mr. Hyde to come out.  The good news is ... .that once we're self aware of  our behavior we can learn and adjust it ... .to take care of ourselves and our needs. You'll learn about the 51% rule ... .it's ok to give of yourself to someone else ... .but you should keep 51% of your energy to making yourself happy in life. If your giving more the 51% of yourself in any relationship ... .eventually you'll run out of energy ... .exhausted ... .you've given everything you have ... .mind, body & soul and it's hard to recover from.

I just want to give you some information on what BPD is ... .what you're up against ... .once you become REALLY educated on this horrible mental illness can you make sound choices based on the facts ... .if you're honest with yourself ... .

There are numerous studies, universities, professors, Ph.d's, MDs, therapist that have studied this question for decades. BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness with numerous studies to indicate that is in deed a genetic, physical defects within the brain coupled with environmental conditions that are responsible for BPD. BPD can also be co-diagnosed with other mental / behavioral illnesses such as NPD for example.  There are MD, Ph.d's that are trying to categorize BPD in the Cluster A mental illness category that includes paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder.

The following is in from Harvard Medical School ... .which indicates an underlying abnormality of the brain structure or function resulting in a significant disability.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a severe mental illness seen in approximately 20% of inpatient and outpatient clinical samples and between 1.2% and 5.9% of the general population and can co-occur with other disorders.

BPD is believed to emerge from an interaction between genes and environment. The major twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in diagnostic concordance. This concordance rate is similar to that found in bipolar disorder and stronger than rates for depression or anxiety. Functional MRI studies of BPD patients show abnormalities in the amygdala (an almond-sized and shaped brain structure linked with a person's mental and emotional state) and the prefrontal cortex (a part of the brain associated with planning, reasoning, solving problems and regulating thoughts, feelings and behaviors). A major BPD twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in BPD.

A core feature of BPD is self-destructive behavior, including bingeing and purging, substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, reckless driving and spending, and self-injury. In the short term, these behaviors attempt to regulate out-of-control emotions, but the interpersonal consequences further impair troubled relationships.

Recent data link BPD to both structural and physiological brain abnormalities. Volumetric studies using MRI consistently show decreased volumes in the hippocampus and amygdala of persons with BPD. Functional MRI studies using standardized tests have demonstrated differences in brain areas and functioning between people with BPD and controls. Using evoked emotional response, MRI differentiated BPD from controls with differences appearing in the amygdala, anterior cingulate and prefrontal cortex. This research suggests that both the affective instability and the interpersonal hypersensitivity seen in BPD have their roots in the sensitivity of the brain's amygdala to negative emotions.  In the face of this increased amygdalae activation, persons with BPD demonstrate impaired self-regulatory function in the prefrontal cortex.

The findings from psychopharmacologic and other biologic treatment data, coupled with associated brain functioning findings, indicate that BPD is a biologically based disorder.  Based on this analysis, including BPD in the Massachusetts Parity Law as a "biologically-based disorder" is well founded.

From the Mayo Clinic ... .

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

From John Hopkins Medical School ... .

Borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder are not stable in their perceptions of themselves, and have difficulty keeping stable relationships. Moods may also be inconsistent, but never neutral. Their sense of reality is always seen in "black and white." People with borderline personality disorder often feel as though they lacked a certain level of nurturing while growing up. As a result, they constantly seek a higher level of caretaking from others as adults. This may be achieved through manipulation of others, leaving them often feeling empty, angry, and abandoned, which may lead to desperate and impulsive behavior.

I believe these excerpts from respected learning institutions will give you a basis of why you are observing the behavior from her that you are ... .



J

[richardson]

Thanks for your well thought out response JQ.

A few other things she has done is leave more and more things at my house (clothes, jewelry,toothbrush), and also did tell me she usually "disappears" but doesn't want to with me.

I am guessing they are "genuine" but only in that moment?  I mean she certainly seems convincing when face to face asking me to be her bf,live together etc. once again I know, hard to make this logical. Then I guess I try to justify by realizing she just got divorced and her father died at the same time. (Verified both)

But is it me that needs help?  I mean these only seems to last a few weeks and doesn't really disrupt my work, obligations etc.  I am noticing the signs and sort of cross checking with advice on here.  But yes, she does occupy my thoughts.

[JQ]

Thanks for your well thought out response JQ.

A few other things she has done is leave more and more things at my house (clothes, jewelry,toothbrush), and also did tell me she usually "disappears" but doesn't want to with me.

I am guessing they are "genuine" but only in that moment?  I mean she certainly seems convincing when face to face asking me to be her bf,live together etc. once again I know, hard to make this logical. Then I guess I try to justify by realizing she just got divorced and her father died at the same time. (Verified both)

But is it me that needs help?  I mean these only seems to last a few weeks and doesn't really disrupt my work, obligations etc.  I am noticing the signs and sort of cross checking with advice on here.  But yes, she does occupy my thoughts.

Richardson,

my exBPDgf had expressed similar thoughts, & request. I moved 1/2 way across the country not once ... .but twice at HER request so I could show her "how serious I was about her". She had expressed at one point, moving in together, being her bf, a timeline of how & when to introduce her to her kids ... .but once I did all those things I triggered her fears of engulfment and she raged, she "disappeared", she started to paint me black and started to replace me with bf#2 yet again.  At one point we were having a discussion on if I was going to stay or go, leave the area. She told me, "you've done everything I've asked you to do and I don't know if it's what I really want".  I called her bluff ... .I spent thousands of dollars doing it.  I didn't look at it like that at the time, but in the end it's how I have to look at it.  She didn't want to commit to me, to be a "couple". But what she really wanted was to be able to do what she wanted, with who she wanted when she wanted and I put in boundaries and held to them that prevented her from doing those things.  I finally moved back across country and am in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically ... .but that is my experience.

To answer your question, "I am guessing they are "genuine" but only in that moment?" I would like to believe it was "genuine" at that moment, but then again I was then and you are now trying to apply logic to a illogical behavior of someone who has a Cluster B mental illness and I'm sorry but that just doesn't work.  I want to believe I saw moments of clarity in her eyes and in her behavior when we talked, were together, when we discussed future events & life moments ... .but they were fleeting moments that passed and never would circle around. We had a LDR which was convenient for her.  She too would "disappear" and once she finally made contact with me she would give me some reason why,  because of the kids, work, family, ex-husband, the list goes on.  I remember one time, we were talking about us, our future, me coming to live there, moving in together ... .then she "disappeared" for a weekend. She told me she was with a family member ... .then when she reached out again there was this moment of "clarity" I spoke of where she actually admitted she lied to me. I asked her to explain, she said she wasn't with the family member but with bf#2 for the weekend. I said mmm  ok, thanks for being honest with me.  She then told me he asked her to marry him. I said, well this is much more serious then you have led me to believe and I certainly don't want to cloud your judgement so I'm going to bow out and I wish you a long & happy life with him.

She tried to explain things in her BPD way, but I said I'm not going to be a part of any three way relationship with you or anyone else. It hurts to much and I need to let you go and you have to decide, the choice is yours.  To this day she still hasn't made her choice, I don't think. We haven't talked in months, but she's still with him, each with their own house but she still try's to engage me on some level I remain NC so is she trying to recycle me when she paints him black? Probably, I can't be for sure but experience would tell me yes.

I was even invited to a couple of her therapist sessions so the doc could see my real intentions and our interactions and my thoughts on all of this.  It was coming down to me wanting to have a committed monogamous relationship with her and the doc telling me that might not ever happen, well what the hell am I suppose to say to that?  I finally learned that my own well being was my responsibility and in order for me to be in a better place mentally, emotionally I had to let things go and work on myself. I had to learn why I was a codependent and then I had to learn NOT to continue that behavior.

It's been a very steep learning curve but thankful for this site, a couple of docs, some books, my open mind to things and my ability to really look at the situation as it really is eyes wide open and basing my choices on facts and not speculation or "feelings".

I hope that helps with a personal view of things ... .if you have specific questions please ask ... .

JQ

[richardson]

You mentioned moving to be with her.

And as I look at it, that's basically what her ex just did.  Move across country to be about 3 hours away from her.  2 weeks ago. His job moved him to a different location.

Meanwhile, she is sleeping with me and making life plans.  The prior 2 weekends she "disappeared" on me, supposedly to see her kid.  But I can guarantee she is sleeping with him while seeing her kid.  They are still in a relationship.  I don't get one text or call at this time when she is gone for days. Since I am a divorced dad, at first I thought it was "about the kid"

When we met she assured me she is 100 percent single.  Then last week she asked if she could see me "very late at night" because herex is calling and texting and is "super jealous"

But her angle was he is withholding the kid from her, so she has to play this game.

And when I ask "why do you want to live with me" it's hard to get an answer.  She has a home to live in not far from me.  She says she likes my part of town better, and wants to start a business here.  Obviously it could never work out with her ex in the picture and a kid involved. 

One day I asked her what she told him about me and she said "I told him I am seeing you but it's not like we will live together or anything".  I called her out immediately and she sort of just laughed and made a joke.

[richardson]

Wow.  So I called and it said the number is not available.   I called from a friends phone and it said the same thing.  She totally changed her number. 

[JQ]

Richardson,

You know I asked the same questions you did to my BPD ... .she never could give a answer that would make sense. Looking back now I see that they were clues ... .it was my short sightedness to cause me not to see them.  I think the clues are and have been in front of you ... .do you choose to see them or do you choose to ignore them as I did?  NOTHING about BPD is going to make sense or will be logical ... .as my exBPDgf told me more than once ... ."I'm broken" and ALL the Kings men and ALL the King's horses could ever put her back together again. 

So take the first step on your new path, don't worry about stumbling on your journey. If you look behind you you'll see ALL of us here standing behind you ready to hold out a hand to help you up when you do stumble. The choice has been and will ALWAYS be yours to choose what path you go down next.

It hurts, it sucks, I know, I get it. But you explain the clues that are in front of you quite well, so what do YOU want to do? What is it that YOU want to accomplish?

JQ

[JQ]

Group,

I've enclosed a link to a Youtube webinar conducted by Ross Rosenberg, the author of "The Human Magnet Syndrome" which explains the opposite attracks each other like magnets. It talks about codependent recovery process.

I hope that his helps everyone as needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMPaKJfrZrA

JQ

[richardson]

Well I guess it makes me feel better to share my experience with people who might be familiar with this type of personality.  If I tell other people they would never understand.

It's hard to look at the red flags and walk away.  I mean a beautiful woman who loves that I am a dad, comes up with all these future plans, amazing sex, smart, and I wake up and she is cleaning my kitchen and cooking breakfast.  No arguing, no fighting.   But then she just disappears.  I mean changing her number is pretty drastic.

And the first couple weeks I am just trying to piece things together if they are real or not.  Then when it turns out they are real, (her divorce/moving/father passing) you give the benefit of the doubt.

And I do wonder how she feels by changing her number.  Does she miss me? Think of me? Out of sight out of mind?

[JQ]

Well I guess it makes me feel better to share my experience with people who might be familiar with this type of personality.  If I tell other people they would never understand.

It's hard to look at the red flags and walk away.  I mean a beautiful woman who loves that I am a dad, comes up with all these future plans, amazing sex, smart, and I wake up and she is cleaning my kitchen and cooking breakfast.  No arguing, no fighting.   But then she just disappears.  I mean changing her number is pretty drastic.

And the first couple weeks I am just trying to piece things together if they are real or not.  Then when it turns out they are real, (her divorce/moving/father passing) you give the benefit of the doubt.

And I do wonder how she feels by changing her number.  Does she miss me? Think of me? Out of sight out of mind?

Richardson,

Forget about trying to apply logic to your situation ... .you said, "And I do wonder how she feels by changing her number.  Does she miss me? Think of me? Out of sight out of mind? "  She has a serious Cluster B Mental Illness, nothing LOGICAL applies with BPD as many have posted throughout the forums.

It is best for you to work on yourself again as others have posted ... .take this time and learn more about yourself then you ever thought possible.  You'll need the tools that the video and other references here have pointed out.  Because if she does have BPD, there is a good chance she will recycle you. She'll reach out to you after her & the ex have a blow out again. She'll feel unloved, unwanted and no one to supply it to her so she'll call you to feed her need! She'll make an excuse like, my ex was constantly calling me, harassing me and I had to change it or something to that affect. IF YOU are not in a better place when that happens, then what you've been going through ... .ALL of the pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, ALL the hurt, emotional, mental and physical pain you feel now ... .will only repeat itself and will be a deeper hole to dig yourself out of.

J

[Circle]

Yeah; get out before you get in any deeper (having read the initial post).