SDs older sister

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm not really looking for support or answers, just to get this story down on (virtual) paper. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in crazy town and it helps me to be able to tell people who understand!

uBPDbm has an older D(12) from a different father (let's call him "baby daddy" #1 - BD1). When bm's D12 was a baby (right around the time SD11 was born), uBPDbm sent D12 to live with her grandparents (uBPDbm's parents) several states away. uBPDbm claims it was because D12 needed medicines that she couldn't afford. I think it was because DH and SD came into the picture, and DH said "I'll take care of [SD11], you can stay here too, but I'm not taking care of your other daughter" so she decided to ditch BD1 and D12 and hitch her wagon up to BD2 (my DH).

uBPDbm and BD1 always had an "on again/off again" relationship but claimed they were just friends (even during the entire time DH was living with uBPDbm). BD1 recently got married, and his new wife contacted me. We've been chatting regularly and we all got together to meet.

Over Christmas break, BPDbm/BD1s D12 came to visit. BD1 and his wife took D12 to Disney (with the wife's kids). Well one day into the trip uBPDbm calls them raging and demanding they bring D12 back. She was threatening to call the police and say they kidnapped D12, and claimed that BD1 was not D12s father.

uBPDbm told D12 that her "real dad" died when she was a baby, and that BD1 (who is on the birth certificate, uBPDbm has always told him he was her father, and he always thought he was the father) was not her dad. The grandmother has since blocked (on D12s phone) BD1s phone number, the new wife's phone number, their facebook, everything so they can't contact her.

D12 is totally screwed up.  :'( She doesn't know who to believe. She hates living with the grandparents (I think they have some PDs too) and wants to live with BD1, but she keeps being told that BD1 isn't her dad. It's a total mess.

[Thunderstruck]

I'm not really looking for support or answers, just to get this story down on (virtual) paper. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in crazy town and it helps me to be able to tell people who understand!

uBPDbm has an older D(12) from a different father (let's call him "baby daddy" #1 - BD1). When bm's D12 was a baby (right around the time SD11 was born), uBPDbm sent D12 to live with her grandparents (uBPDbm's parents) several states away. uBPDbm claims it was because D12 needed medicines that she couldn't afford. I think it was because DH and SD came into the picture, and DH said "I'll take care of [SD11], you can stay here too, but I'm not taking care of your other daughter" so she decided to ditch BD1 and D12 and hitch her wagon up to BD2 (my DH).

uBPDbm and BD1 always had an "on again/off again" relationship but claimed they were just friends (even during the entire time DH was living with uBPDbm). BD1 recently got married, and his new wife contacted me. We've been chatting regularly and we all got together to meet.

Over Christmas break, BPDbm/BD1s D12 came to visit. BD1 and his wife took D12 to Disney (with the wife's kids). Well one day into the trip uBPDbm calls them raging and demanding they bring D12 back. She was threatening to call the police and say they kidnapped D12, and claimed that BD1 was not D12s father.

uBPDbm told D12 that her "real dad" died when she was a baby, and that BD1 (who is on the birth certificate, uBPDbm has always told him he was her father, and he always thought he was the father) was not her dad. The grandmother has since blocked (on D12s phone) BD1s phone number, the new wife's phone number, their facebook, everything so they can't contact her.

D12 is totally screwed up.  :'( She doesn't know who to believe. She hates living with the grandparents (I think they have some PDs too) and wants to live with BD1, but she keeps being told that BD1 isn't her dad. It's a total mess.

[Deb]

Maybe it's time for BD1 to ask for a paternity test. If he's the dad, he should consider going for custody.  My DH's ex, who while not a PD, once told him that he wasn't "really" SD's dad. Um, yeah, she is, she not only LOOKS like him, she has a few distinct features that could have only come from him. She said that, we believe, because she was jealous of how much SD loves her dad. SD is grown now with kids of her own and calls her mother "bio mom". He kids, the youngest a teen, has never met the SD's bio mom.

[Thunderstruck]

Maybe it's time for BD1 to ask for a paternity test. If he's the dad, he should consider going for custody.  My DH's ex, who while not a PD, once told him that he wasn't "really" SD's dad. Um, yeah, she is, she not only LOOKS like him, she has a few distinct features that could have only come from him. She said that, we believe, because she was jealous of how much SD loves her dad. SD is grown now with kids of her own and calls her mother "bio mom". He kids, the youngest a teen, has never met the SD's bio mom.

This is what makes me kind of angry... .we have had to fight for four years (and thousands of dollars) for custody of SD11. BD1 has the opportunity to just go to the court and basically be handed custody of D12. But he isn't doing it!

BD1 is still deeeeeeep in the FOG. He was paying uBPDbm's rent, he co-signed on her car, would buy her groceries, paid for her cell phone... .He's afraid (FOG) that uBPDbm will hurt his job as a public servant if he pursues custody. His wife is trying to pull him out of that.

At this point D12 is demanding a paternity test. The wife is talking about filing for temporary custody and going to pick D12 up, but I don't know if they'll follow through with it.

[Deb]

Maybe it's time for BD1 to ask for a paternity test. If he's the dad, he should consider going for custody.  My DH's ex, who while not a PD, once told him that he wasn't "really" SD's dad. Um, yeah, she is, she not only LOOKS like him, she has a few distinct features that could have only come from him. She said that, we believe, because she was jealous of how much SD loves her dad. SD is grown now with kids of her own and calls her mother "bio mom". He kids, the youngest a teen, has never met the SD's bio mom.

This is what makes me kind of angry... .we have had to fight for four years (and thousands of dollars) for custody of SD11. BD1 has the opportunity to just go to the court and basically be handed custody of D12. But he isn't doing it!

BD1 is still deeeeeeep in the FOG. He was paying uBPDbm's rent, he co-signed on her car, would buy her groceries, paid for her cell phone... .He's afraid (FOG) that uBPDbm will hurt his job as a public servant if he pursues custody. His wife is trying to pull him out of that.

At this point D12 is demanding a paternity test. The wife is talking about filing for temporary custody and going to pick D12 up, but I don't know if they'll follow through with it.

That is sad for that young girl. :'( I am so proud of my DH. He fought tooth and nail just to see his daughter. He was put through some humiliating tests because his  ex made false claims. But he did everything he could to try and get custody of his daughter. When she was 16, he told the judge "She knows where I live so no matter WHAT happens, she can come to me anytime. But I am done with court." At that point, his daughter was with us every weekend until she met the man she married.

He also told my SD this when she was told that her dad wasn't her dad: "I don't need a test to tell me you are my daughter because you were mine from the first moment I held you and nothing can ever change that."