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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 05:57:52 AM » |
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so fast forward to today
texts
Her: Will you pick up the laundry from jane's house after work?
Me: Need to talk to you about this sometime this afternoon
Her: Well is that a yes or a no to my question
Me: Its not an answer to the question
I am going to point out a co-dependent pattern when living with someone with BPD. By co-dependent, I want to call attention to the more scientific use of the word "dependent". I think sometimes we get hung up on the idea of dependency as being helpless, but in science experiments, the "dependent variable" is the one that changes according to the other one. When we are being co-dependent, we tailor our responses according to the predicted action, feelings, response of the other person. Saying a direct "no" is likely to result in a blow up, so another answer may avoid that, but it is also a form of manipulation. But people can sense that and it is irritating.
I don't know what you wanted to discuss with her later, but she asked you a yes or no question, and you didn't answer either yes or no. This irritated her - and that is the source of the texts you got from her after that.
In the situation of the laundry, you can have boundaries. Yes, she can help someone do the laundry- that is her choice to make, but you also have the choice to be involved or not. You don't want to, and that is OK, but you have to set the boundary.
Yes, wife, it is a good thing to be helpful if you wish to do this. However, I didn't think it went well last time and so, this time, I don't want to participate in it. I don't want to pick up, deliver, or do their laundry. If the washer or dryer breaks, then we will have to use the laundromat for all our laundry until I get it fixed.
Once you have set the boundary, then the response to " will you pick up Jane's laundry" is "no". To any statements about it is good to help you can say " yes, you are being kind to help them".
This may result in a blow up, but that is to be expected when things change. Even if we are married, we can choose to help out a friend on our own. Now, if this involved a lot of time or money, or someone staying at the home, then it should be discussed between spouses, but there are many ways we can help people on our own too without it being disruptive to the family.
I think that by allowing her to make her own decision about the laundry, no matter how it turns out, you did handle that well. It was also good that you didn't go get it just to avoid a blow up, and that you didn't take the drama ( guilt) bait of the "it's a good thing" texts. It is one step at a time. One next one could be to let her make the choice of the laundry and to take on all the consequences of it- she picks it up, does it, and uses the laundromat if the washer/dryer doesn't work. People don't have to all do the same good deeds in the same way, so you are not a bad person if you don't participate. You can choose to help others in your own way. Also it was good to not JADE. You don't have to argue over this. You just don't want to participate in the doing of the laundry. That is OK- even if she doesn't like it.
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