Looking for best way to proceed with divorce with udBPDH

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have made the decision to proceed with divorce and I'm trying to do my homework.  Please advise cheapest but smartest ways to proceed.  Is it best to file at the courthouse myself, then hire an attny to take over?  Fees in my area are $400-$750/hour. 

Also, have concerns over his reaction.  Although we have argued and each threatened divorce, he will be stunned that I actually go through with it now.  How does one remain living in the same home after just serving an over-reactive and very angry undiagnosed BPDH.  I worry what will happen then and how am I protected while living in same home.  I can't leave - I have children in school.  He won't leave either if I ask him.  I can't very well have a restraining order in place if we live in the same home?

Is the better approach to be prepared in every way, have everything lined up and then tell him this is going to happen instead of the state catching him off guard?

Thanks for your help. 

[Livestrong97]

I have made the decision to proceed with divorce and I'm trying to do my homework.  Please advise cheapest but smartest ways to proceed.  Is it best to file at the courthouse myself, then hire an attny to take over?  Fees in my area are $400-$750/hour. 

Also, have concerns over his reaction.  Although we have argued and each threatened divorce, he will be stunned that I actually go through with it now.  How does one remain living in the same home after just serving an over-reactive and very angry undiagnosed BPDH.  I worry what will happen then and how am I protected while living in same home.  I can't leave - I have children in school.  He won't leave either if I ask him.  I can't very well have a restraining order in place if we live in the same home?

Is the better approach to be prepared in every way, have everything lined up and then tell him this is going to happen instead of the state catching him off guard?

Thanks for your help. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Livestrong97,

I'm sorry it's come to this. Often we arrive at this decision after a lot of trauma and the decision to leave can feel like ripping the roof off the house. We're here to walk with you as you go through this.

My advice is to scrape together enough money to consult with one or two lawyers. This may cost you roughly what the going rate is, sometimes it is less. Often the lawyer will comp that amount if you eventually retain him or her.

When you go to that consult, have a list of questions and, if you have someone supportive in your life, go with them and have them take notes. I am a fairly calm and logical person, even so in my initial consult I felt flooded with emotion and forgot much of what was said. I treated the L like a therapist and see now that I would've benefited from some structure during that meeting, like a list of key questions.

My ex was a former trial lawyer and I thought he would walk away with everything, including full custody. The opposite happened. I had a good lawyer, a good judge, and friends here who helped me find my way through the darkness.

If you need us to help you think of questions to ask, we can help. Another thing to do is focus on what your goals are. Do you plan to ask for the house? Full custody of the kids? It's ok if you feel these are not immediately possible, they are important to clarify so that you have a guiding compass. Then, once you have goals, it becomes your lawyer's job to explain the strategy he or she will apply to your situation. Strategy might include whether to waive mediation (if possible), do coparenting therapy (if applicable), get a third-party professional involved in the kids lives, etc. After strategy, your lawyer should recommend tactics. Tactics might include using a custody evaluation, a psyche eval, deposition, documentation, etc.

I would not tell your H you are planning to divorce, and I would wait to consult with an L before filing papers. Being prepared and having a plan in place can help stay yourself while things get a bit wacky going forward.

So yes to your last question. Be a step ahead of him -- do this for your sake, for your kids' sake, and even for his sake. He does not have the emotional nor the psychological skills to help himself because of the disorder. He will sabotage everyone, and himself, and make the divorce so much more difficult than it needs to be.

While you make preparations to leave, be extra cautious. People with BPD are often extremely intuitive to slight changes in mood and affect. My ex also threatened divorce and I took a year to plan my exit (made perhaps a degree more challenging because was himself an L). About a month away from the day I planned to leave, he sensed the tiniest shift in me -- I was feeling some hope and strength. And then he escalated things until I ended up having to leave a week earlier to avoid what I felt certain would be physical conflict.

Hang in there and breathe deeply. You've made the choice to leave and this is such a helpful resource with people who truly do care.



LnL

[ugghh]

Livestrong, the questions you are asking are perfectly normal and you are in the right place.  However I want to caution that you may not like some of the answers you hear.  That being said, the more knowledge you get, the better prepared you will be.

Now that you have reached this decision, you need to understand that by interjecting the legal process into your relationship, you may be presented with situations that are neither fair nor just.  :)o not get discouraged.  When divorcing a BPD, in general the process can be painfully slow.  One of the recommendations we make is to keep focused on the long term goal and keep the process moving.

I will also caution that you may not be able to achieve all of the goals you desire so it is important to be able to prioritize.  For example, you stated

How does one remain living in the same home after just serving an over-reactive and very angry undiagnosed BPDH.

.  The answer is that it might not be possible.  You said you cannot leave because you have children in school.  There a lot of factors in your housing but your prioritization might look something like this

1. Best scenario - you file for divorce and uBPDh and you are able to live in same house during divorce and you can feel safe.  There are number of things you will need to do to protect yourself if this is the scenario, but more on that later.

2. Good scenario - you file for divorce and by his actions / reactions it is clear that uBPDh and you will be able to peacefully coexist in the same house.   Now you have a decision to make - for your sake and the kids sake is it better for him to leave or you to leave?  Let's assume you decide that he needs to leave.  Your attorney can help you file for exclusive occupancy, which may or may not be granted.

3. Not so good scenario - you file for divorce and by his actions / reactions it is clear that uBPDh and you will be able to peacefully coexist in the same house.  You try to force him out legally but that fails.  Now you are again faced with a decision - do you stay and place yourself in harm's way or do you move out - this could mean depending on family, friends, welfare, etc.  What resources are available to you if you HAVE to leave?  

Part of what you have to understand as you go through this process is that you need to learn to start placing yourself and your welfare first.  Your uBPDh has dysregulated reactions to many things in life.   His emotions and issues are not your to own, they belong to him.

[ForeverDad]

Scenario 1:  Husband files to have wife removed from the house to avoid heightened conflict (husband gets interim possession or occupancy)

Scenario 2:  Wife files to have husband removed from the house to avoid heightened conflict (wife gets interim possession or occupancy)

Though today's courts are said to be gender neutral, judges do have a lot of judicial discretion.  Odds are that if either scenarios works, Scenario 2 would be much more likely to occur.  Especially if mother is likely to be the Primary Parent.  (My case was different, I had just gotten temporary protection and possession of the home in a TPO when my then-spouse left municipal court and rushed to domestic court to get temporary custody.  So for the first month or two she had temp custody but lived in a DV shelter.  I checked but my county's DV resources had no help for me, a man.)

Some states want parents to live together another year (cooling off period), others take the other extreme and allow for "fearfulness" to be reason to separate the parents, perhaps even automatically specifying separate residences upon request.  These outcomes vary by state, so that is a question for legal consultations with a few experienced local lawyers.