So after months of trying to get my wife help for her personality disorder, her discard, and subsequent multiple affairs, she wants a divorce and I want off the crazy train. We are living together still. We are trying to pay down some debt before the divorce. We have a four-year old. She now has a boyfriend,will leave at night and come home before I have to goto work, and spending increasingly more time with him. She isn't very nice to me personally. She acts like she tolerates my presence but wants to be somewhere else. We try to do things together for our son but it usually turns sour. She basically acts like a pissed off teenager that is forced to be at the mall with her parents. Scowl and all. Walks three feet behind me with her arms crossed. I was trying to be light and nice to her for my son but its getting more difficult. She isn't nice to me. It's not enjoyable to be around her. The longer she is in the adoration phase with her new boyfriend, the more I am devalued, painted black further, and reminded over and over how miserable her life is with me.
Except for the BF/affair, your story was my story. My son was 2 when my Ex started pulling away. That was about the time she had driven away my relatives and most of our friends. I concluded I had become the closest target with the others chased away. When I started seeing her looking at me sideways as though she could claim I had become a child molester (she was paranoid about everyone being "probably" abusers) then I knew my marriage had gone from dysfunctional to imploding.
Although some behaviors indicated my spouse was having some sort of emotional affair, even if only one-sided, I didn't learn of BFs until years later. That may be a difference between our spouses, yours has left (in short visits) to choose another, mine viewed our preschooler as almost an extension of herself.
Why is it so crucial that you pay down debt? Is she working so that she is actually helping you pay down the debt? If not, then what is the benefit to paying down debt first? Shouldn't your child have at least some priority over the finances? Sadly, there is no "perfect time" to divorce. Waiting risks becoming a moving target, moving away, not closer.
For me, the debt is holding us together... .I really have no confidence that she would actually pay her share if we split.
This is where you need to realize you can't fix her problems. If you divorce sooner and you both have to split debts, then so be it. If she wants to rack up debt and declare bankruptcy, then that's her choice, she can do it after the divorce is final.
Don't be the 'hero' and volunteer to assume more debt than necessary. And of the debt that she assumes, make sure it is debt that you're not a co-signer on. Even if a court says she gets debt, lenders often ignore the order releasing you and come after you anyway. So make sure the debt the court assigns to her can't bounce back to you!
Statements like these really make me question her ability to remain stable after we split.
Frankly, that's her problem. She's an adult. Being an adult has consequences. You have to face your consequences, so must she face her consequences. I'm not being cold and heartless, I'm being brutally honest. If your keep cushioning her life she'll never improve.
She currently makes more money than I do... .She has at least agreed to pay off the mutual credit debt that's officially in my name.
Good. That's not mean or vindictive, it's practical.
But as my therapist says it's not good for him to be living in this crazy situation either.
Is your therapist helping you counter her guilting and manipulation?
I was invested in getting her the help she desperately needs. But that isn't going to happen unless I try to make it part of the custody agreement... .I've decided that we just have to break the household up. It's already broken.
Most family courts treat people the way they are not as they or you want them to be. They know therapy is no guarantee of success. Sometimes they will order Anger Management (which may not apply here) but even that is a few classes and then it's done, probably no requirement to actually pass the course.
Any talk of accountability is totally denied. No reason can be applied to her in order for her to see the effect she's having.
You can't reason with someone who's not listening or is out-shouting you. Determine which Boundaries to set and Move Forward, Move On with your life. It took me a long time but eventually I learned that Boundaries aren't for the other person, they're for me and you. Ponder that. Look up our lessons on setting practical firm boundaries. Boundaries are about us, not the other person.
Do you need a Custody Evaluator? It sounds like she is more concerned with her adult life (work and pleasure) than with parenting. That doesn't mean she will easily let go of course, she will probably fiercely defend her Public Face as a mother.
As for 50/50 parenting, that didn't work for me, my Ex was just too entitled. I was the Residential Parent for School Purposes but that didn't reduce her controller entitlement. Back in court, I was even granted full custody but it refused to change our equal parenting time and she was still just as entitled. So I had to go back to court yet again and got majority time during the school year. Finally, co-parenting was at least somewhat manageable. You may not have that hard of a struggle, but you would do better with at least a slight majority... .and don't forget about being the Residential Parent for School Purposes. It may not swing the tide, but it should help. (Why? If she was RP and decided to move away then you'd probably have to go running after her.)