Do I tell him that I started seeing a psychologist?

[Giggy]

My adult son has been suffering from Mental Health issues for 15-20 years.

His diagnosis according to him from his psychiatrist is depression & anxiety.  Because of confidentiality I cannot verify this with the Doctor.  After doing research I am fairly sure that he has BPD.  He is really causing me a t of stress.  He has pushed everyone else around him away.

I have started seeing a psychologist in order to try and set boundaries and regain some sort of life for myself.  Can/ should I tell him that I am seeking help?

I am reading the book.  "I don't have to make everything all better" and I've ordered other books.    He torments me daily that I don't want to help him.  It seems all I do is wrong, wrong timing, etc... .

Can I tell him that I am getting help here?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

It's good that you are seeing a therapist to help you sort out your relationship with your son.

Telling him could help de-stigmatize the use of mental health professionals and show him that you care about him and your relationship.

 

Telling him could result in him viewing your actions as confirmation that you are the one with issues and not him.

He may not be able to see that there is responsibility on all the people in a relationship to seek help for self and interpersonal interactions.

Where is he in taking responsibility for himself and his disorders? Is he showing any signs of benefiting from his therapy? Does he blame the relationship issues all on you?



2 sides to every coin.  It may not be the right time to tell him... .or maybe it is.

lbj

[Slipping]

Giggy,

I have a daughter, 29, who is also undiagnosed.  That completely baffles me.  However, as I've learned about BPD and followed advice for how to respond to it, I have seen some improvement.

Like you, I receive all the blame from my child. It's so exhausting to keep trying so hard, and no matter what you do, it's the wrong thing.  I have not told her that I think she is suffering with BPD, b/c most of the advice I read said that it would not likely be well-received and would be yet another source of arguments.  I did tell her that I was seeing a therapist, and I actually regret that at this point.  She likes to use that against me, telling me that OBVIOUSLY then, I am the one with the issues.  I can't tell you whether you should mention this site to your son, but I do know that I consider this a safe place to talk to other parents and I would never want her to come here to see what I've said.  Just something to consider when you're deciding what to do. 

There is so much that you can learn, ways of coping and of possibly helping your son.  The book you're reading is great.  I also benefited tremendously from learning as much as I could about the disorder itself and how my daughter's emotion dysregulation effects her behavior.  I don't know about you, but I would get so angry when she would blame me.  I knew I was giving her everything I had, and it just wasn't enough.  When I truly grasped the severity of her pain, I was able to be compassionate (most of the time) and realize that I didn't need to take her insults personally.  That was life-altering for me.  I notice that you said he "torments" you, so perhaps you are feeling some of this too. 

What do you say now when he accuses you of not wanting to help him?  When my daughter would do that, I would say something like "Of course I want to help you.  You're all I think about all day long!  I'm trying."  And all that would do is invalidate the way she was feeling and we'd be off on another argument while I tried to defend myself.  If I could instead say something validating, it would take the fuel out of the fire.  I'm not all that good at it, but something along the lines of "Gosh, honey, how horrible it must feel to think that I don't care" or ask her "What makes you say that?"  If I had to, I'd repeat it a couple of times, and then she'd usually move onto something else.  And if not, if the conversation spiraled into abuse from her, I'd call a time-out.  I really think the book you're reading will help you with that.

Hope this help you a bit.  Look forward to hearing back from you!

[Giggy]

Thank you both for responding.

For the last several years I felt it may be a personality disorder but it was when I started see the psychologist that she made me realize that this was much more than depression and anxiety. 

I feel I am always being tested, he is waiting for me to say or do something he doesn't like.

The other book I ordered is "Essential Family Guide To Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools And Techniques To Stop…". It should be in the mail this week.

I have to go to an appointment but I'm glad You replied and look forward to sharing more.  It is good to know I am not alone.

[Lollypop]

Hi giggy

My BPDs25 is currently not seeking treatment. I've been reading, learning and posting. ive been trying to model behaviours to all my family and things are improving at home. Bpds is the best he's ever been but without therapy I know he won't manage the pressures of life ahead of him. He asked me the other day if I've been doing his dbt book so I know he's noticed. I told him that I'd looked at it s few times but found it very difficult and he agreed. It was nice to share.  I used the opportunity to share with him that I was in a forum and that I was learning a lot.

I think it's important for him to see my own hard work. It shows I love him, committed to support him in the right way and it's a reminder that there's unsolved problems that he should be addressing. I'm not worried if he does start searching to read it, but I doubt he will and I've nothing to hide.

I'm just offering my viewpoint and hope it helps.

L

[madmom]

I don't know if this will help you, but when I began to get some help for me in dealing with my daughter's mental illness (BPD, depression, anxiety, bipolar)  I just sat her down and had a conversation about it with her.  I said something like--- I just want you to know that I am aware that I need some help in order to improve our relationship.  I know I have made alot of mistakes, and will probably make more, however, I am starting to work on some things and I wanted you to be aware.  So if you notice me acting differently, or saying things in different ways, no that I am working with someone and trying new things.  I am sure I won't get it right all the time, but I want you to know that I am trying.  I love you and hope that you can be patient with me and help me to help myself.  She took this very well and we had a great conversation about how she knew she made plenty of mistakes and she wanted us to have a better relationship as well.  So glad you are taking care of yourself and getting help---truly it is the best thing you can do for your loved one.  Best wishes.

[Giggy]

Thank you for your responses.  I just spent a few days away from home to visit my daughter and grandson.  My BPD son seems manage well when he knows I'm visiting his sister.  He loves the baby and we did some video chatting so he could see the baby.

Sometimes it's so confusing he is so up & down and I have a hard time knowing how much he can manage his emotions... .

It helps just knowing that I am not alone.

[Herodias]

It's great you are getting help. My husbands Mother told him she went to a therapist as to let him know its ok to do so. Not sure if encouraged him to do so... .but he seemed to be interested that she was going.

[Giggy]

I do d tell him that I am seeing a psychologist.  He didn't like it, tried to play the martyr, sorry that he caused me so much grief that I have to spend money to see a psychologist.

He is very manipulative and it really doesn't matter what I say or do, it will be the wrong thing.

I am so tired and so frustrated.

Does anyone else fell that it's all a game on their part to try to make us crazy?

[Giggy]

Another thing is that he mocks my beliefs (I'm spiritual and not necessarily religious),  I tired of having to agree with him on stuff just to appease him... .

So so tired

[lbjnltx]

It can be tiring and frustrating.  We run around in circles while the ring master cracks the whip and keeps us running. 

We have to step out of the ring and take back the personal power that we have been giving away.

I did it starting with boundaries.

Where do you think you need to begin?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders