More Garbage on My Side of the Street

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Whew, it really is messy over here on my side of the street!

(I'm trying to use sympathetic humor with myself since I've found it works so well with my kids)

I've been all over the place with my emotions lately. The last few days anger and then today, vast feelings of hurt. I think cleaning up my side of the street is making me look very clearly at this relationship... .what it was, what it meant to me, everything... .and that comes with a LOT of feelings of loss.

One thing that I am thinking about has been a subject elsewhere here: resentments. I'd love feedback and thoughts on how we handle our own resentments.

I think for the few years of our relationship I didn't have any resentments. That was because I was thoroughly bought into the idea that I was at fault for everything, that I was too difficult, and so forth. Counselors confronted me but I didn't listen. It was after his rages got worse and he became more abusive that a part of me woke up. But I didn't wake up in a healthy way, which would have been to set boundaries and make some hard decisions. Instead I developed resentments. I knew what he was doing was wrong, and that he was hurting and traumatizing me. But at the same time I was feeling responsible in a co-dependent way, and I could not bear to lose him (still wrestle with that one). I became resentful instead.

I resented the way he treated me. I resented the way he treated my kids, as if their needs didn't matter. The more times he recycled me the more I resented the way he would hurt and abandon me, and then blithely return, as if life was one big do-over. I resented the way he painted me black to mutual friends and put on a self-pity act in public after abusing me. I especially resented that I couldn't even discuss my resentments in therapy, because any less than starry-eyed feelings on my part fueled his rages.

I realize now that resentments are a cheap way of staying involved in an unhealthy relationship without confronting it.

One thing I have not seen much of on these boards is how we deal with our own resentments. I am detaching now, but I would still very much like to let these resentments go. I think like the anger, the resentments continue to give him power over me. They are a way I abdicate responsibility. Life is too short and too full of joy to carry such poison inside of me.

Anyone have ways they got past resentment? Thoughts, advice, input?

[HurtinNW]

Whew, it really is messy over here on my side of the street!

(I'm trying to use sympathetic humor with myself since I've found it works so well with my kids)

I've been all over the place with my emotions lately. The last few days anger and then today, vast feelings of hurt. I think cleaning up my side of the street is making me look very clearly at this relationship... .what it was, what it meant to me, everything... .and that comes with a LOT of feelings of loss.

One thing that I am thinking about has been a subject elsewhere here: resentments. I'd love feedback and thoughts on how we handle our own resentments.

I think for the few years of our relationship I didn't have any resentments. That was because I was thoroughly bought into the idea that I was at fault for everything, that I was too difficult, and so forth. Counselors confronted me but I didn't listen. It was after his rages got worse and he became more abusive that a part of me woke up. But I didn't wake up in a healthy way, which would have been to set boundaries and make some hard decisions. Instead I developed resentments. I knew what he was doing was wrong, and that he was hurting and traumatizing me. But at the same time I was feeling responsible in a co-dependent way, and I could not bear to lose him (still wrestle with that one). I became resentful instead.

I resented the way he treated me. I resented the way he treated my kids, as if their needs didn't matter. The more times he recycled me the more I resented the way he would hurt and abandon me, and then blithely return, as if life was one big do-over. I resented the way he painted me black to mutual friends and put on a self-pity act in public after abusing me. I especially resented that I couldn't even discuss my resentments in therapy, because any less than starry-eyed feelings on my part fueled his rages.

I realize now that resentments are a cheap way of staying involved in an unhealthy relationship without confronting it.

One thing I have not seen much of on these boards is how we deal with our own resentments. I am detaching now, but I would still very much like to let these resentments go. I think like the anger, the resentments continue to give him power over me. They are a way I abdicate responsibility. Life is too short and too full of joy to carry such poison inside of me.

Anyone have ways they got past resentment? Thoughts, advice, input?

[Daniell85]

I'm not past it. It kind of rollercoasters. 

There are a couple of conditions under which I can calm down with it. The first is understanding my part was to protect myself with strong boundaries. I didn't even know what boundaries really were. I grew up in an extremely invasive environment. A lot of high conflict, abuse. I just didn't understand as an adult.

When I remember I am enforcing a boundary, I feel better and understand that I don't have to put myself into a toxic situation. Resentments calm some.

[HurtinNW]

I'm not past it. It kind of rollercoasters. 

There are a couple of conditions under which I can calm down with it. The first is understanding my part was to protect myself with strong boundaries. I didn't even know what boundaries really were. I grew up in an extremely invasive environment. A lot of high conflict, abuse. I just didn't understand as an adult.

When I remember I am enforcing a boundary, I feel better and understand that I don't have to put myself into a toxic situation. Resentments calm some.

That's a good point. I was upset last night and thinking about him. Then I told myself, I will not let my kids be harmed by this relationship. I kept repeating that, and I was instantly soothed.

Maybe that was me keeping a boundary inside myself, and avoiding that toxic situation.

[Notwendy]

For me personally, working on resentments with a sponsor was what helped. There is a process of writing them down and then looking at how they effected my relationships with people. Once I saw how the resentment imposed on my own happiness, then it was easier to let it go.

I think it is also good to understand the difference between letting go of a resentment and forgetting. I don't think we need to forget, or choose to trust someone as if nothing happened. If we have learned from an experience that someone isn't good for us, we don't pretend they are, we just aren't focusing our energy on a resentment.

Some are pretty hard to let go of, and it can take time. I have had a lot of them- not just relationships. But even being able to let go of some of them helps - and learning the process of letting go of them helps. Then it is practice- wash, rinse, repeat.

I think it is connected to boundaries. I can let go of something someone said to me when I realize that, their reality isn't mine. Some are connected to grief, such as a loss of a close friendship. Some are connected to understanding. I have let go of a lot of resentment about my parents with understanding my mother's condition, that things she said and did were because of her condition. However, that doesn't mean that I forget that she has a disorder and that I need boundaries.

I don't know how they came up with the 12 steps, but some of them are based on cultural/religious/psychological practices. What makes these practices persistent is that they can work. People have addictions/codependency as a form of coping with their inner pain. Some things that cause this are: resentments, shame, guilt, and problems accepting who they are, as well as a wish to over- control things. Many of us don't trust people well. Allowing a sponsor to guide us is a big step in connecting with someone- asking for help- something we aren't so used to doing face to face.

Discussing things like fears, resentments, things we feel guilty about with someone and having them actually understand this is also something we probably aren't used to. I think part of this replicates the idea of "confession". Some people don't like the 12 step groups. Some relate to some, but not other, aspects of them and I think that was true for me. But, at the time, I wanted to work on my issues and willing to give it a try. I found the face to face with a sponsor to be the most helpful because I grew up feeling I should not talk to people about such things and it gave me the experience of being able to trust someone with these feelings.

I think it is also possible to have this process with a T. I am sure there are various methods of working on resentments, and I think having someone who understands  how to let go of them as a guide is helpful. 

[Cat Familiar]

I'm envisioning a giant metal dumpster. I've dumped all my garbage into the dumpster. I hear the sound of the truck, beep beeping, backing up and the metal arms grab the dumpster and dump it. I see the multicolored pieces of junk fall through the air into the bed of the garbage truck. The mechanical arms set down the dumpster gently.

I look around, and my side of the street is strewn with garbage again and the dump truck has driven away.    Slowly, tediously, I pick up the pieces of garbage again and place them in the dumpster.

[C.Stein]

I look around, and my side of the street is strewn with garbage again and the dump truck has driven away.    Slowly, tediously, I pick up the pieces of garbage again and place them in the dumpster.

Is it your garbage or someone elses?  Perhaps there is a hole in the dumpster than needs fixin'?

[Cat Familiar]

It's my garbage, on my side of the street. I ignore the opposite side of the street as much as possible. My husband can choose to live in a dump if he wants--actually his studio is always a cluttered mess. I ignore it. It's his space, not mine.

But my stuff, my resentments... .it's very sneaky. I clean and clean and get a sense of satisfaction and then, like an archaeological dig, I find deeper layers buried underneath. It's a never-ending process, which I've come to terms with. I'm very happy with improvement and sometimes when I get a bit full of myself thinking how clear thinking and aware I am, I'm broadsided by discovering there is so much yet to do.

[Cat Familiar]

One of the few positive things I retain from my disastrous first marriage is a metaphor from my husband about personal growth and dealing with our "stuff".

He said, it's like cafeteria trays. You lift one off the stack and another one pops up.

[HurtinNW]

These are excellent ideas. I will reply more later, but in the meantime...

notwendy, I approached a neighbor friend of mine who is heavily involved in AA. He is talking to two women he knows who are involved in alanon and ACOA to get their recommendations on meetings and sponsors. I'll touch base with him again today.

Cat Familiar, I like those images! I hadn't thought of using imagery to help me clean up my side of the street. You are right, those resentments and hurts keep popping up. I am understanding how much the drama and pain and hurts of this relationship not only re-traumatized me, but kept me from dealing with my own issues. I'm going to need a couple dumpsters over here, .

[formflier]

 

Depending on your faith you can focus on forgiveness. 

It's hard to resent someone that you have forgiven. 

The tougher task is to get it straight in your head that you have forgiven them, but consequences are still present (usually in the form of boundaries).

For instance, I have currently not forgiven my wife or her family for some recent shenanigans.  When someone laughs at you for your hurt, yeah, I'm not that good of a Christian to forgive while they are actively "rubbing it in".

But, regardless of the status of forgiveness, I have a hard time ever seeing me co-mingle funds or do business with them again.

FF

[HurtinNW]

Depending on your faith you can focus on forgiveness. 

It's hard to resent someone that you have forgiven. 

The tougher task is to get it straight in your head that you have forgiven them, but consequences are still present (usually in the form of boundaries).

For instance, I have currently not forgiven my wife or her family for some recent shenanigans.  When someone laughs at you for your hurt... .yeah... .I'm not that good of a Christian to forgive while they are actively "rubbing it in".

But, regardless of the status of forgiveness... .I have a hard time ever seeing me co-mingle funds or do business with them again.

FF

That's an excellent point. I don't resent my mother anymore, I think because I have been in the process of forgiving her.

It is a great idea for me to think about forgiving my ex while maintaining my boundaries. I think that will be easier when I have a good sense of my role in the chaos. So I can forgive myself, too.

[Grey Kitty]

I realize now that resentments are a cheap way of staying involved in an unhealthy relationship without confronting it.

You are right about the connection... .but I think you have it backwards.

Resentment building up is the natural consequence of staying involved in an unhealthy relationship and (trying) to stuff your feelings about it.

Resentment is the first stuff to leak out for you when the box 'o hurt you've been stuffing those uncomfortable feelings you don't want to deal can't contain any more.

... .and letting yourself feel and process those feelings--emptying that box, so to speak--is the way to deal with resentments.

Mixing my metaphors and getting back to the garbage on your side of the street... .If like Cat Familiar, you put it into a dumpster, it is still there and will rot and fester a bit until the dumpster gets upturned, and there you go again... .you need to send it down the street to the dump, or deal with it yourself. There is a lot of sh*t... .maybe some of it is compostable?

[HurtinNW]

Grey Kitty, good point.

Maybe the resentments are natural. I hadn't quite thought of it that way. I know they make me uncomfortable and I feel bad about them, like they are wrong to have. That's probably my co-dependence and FOO issues talking. Getting angry at my mother was not allowed in my family. It's hard for me to feel it is okay and healthy to feel resentment.

So, yes, those dumpsters have some pretty rotten, stinky things in there. Compostable? I hope so! Maybe I can use them to plant a nice garden, and grow something good out of all that. How that process of composting them works I am not sure, though.

Part of what I meant is a little more complicated, and more dysfunctional on my end. I meant that by not dealing with the resentments in a healthy way while in the relationship, it was a way for me to stay in the relationship. As we were discussing on another thread, my ex did not respond to me having any needs or wants in a positive way. Any expression of anything less than "You are fantastic and I need nothing from you" resulted in his anger. So my needs and wants were not allowed, and when I tried to advocate for them, punished with anger and what I now see is shunning, such as triangulating friends against me.

So I had resentments, and I kept them, and I stayed in the relationship with them, and they affected my feelings for him as well. I think I knew if I really asserted my needs the relationship would have to end. That is what happened when he told me he wanted to move in with me and my kids, and I lovingly said no. Within a week he raged and broke up with me again.

I guess I was trying to say that not dealing with my resentments while in the relationship was unhealthy, and the way I stayed in an unhealthy relationship.

[Grey Kitty]

HurtinNW, I think it went both ways in an ugly spiral--the way you dealt with those resentments also helped you stay in an unhealthy relationship. And the unhealthy relationship created more resentment.

The short answer on dealing with them now -- Let yourself feel whatever feelings come up, and don't try to act on them, solve them, stuff them, or run away for them.

If you can only manage this for 10 minutes that is OK. Heck if you can only handle one minute, that is a start.