My story

[Tomacini]

Hi all

Don't really know where to start so i'll start at the end: she broke up with me last week. This week she already went on a date. Just coffee, nothing more she said. To go on with my life.

I won't make this too long... .

I met her about a year ago and things started out pretty great for me. She was all over me, really idealizing me. I on the other hand am the kind of person that takes it really slow. I realize that i also have issues... .i was once diagnosed with narcissistic theatrical personality. In the beginning of every relationship I keep my distance and am not willing to commit. Of course, this made her run even more for me.

After a couple of weeks i started to get more involved and more attached. This means for me that i like to get praise a lot of the times and when i don't get it, i start a fight. So this happened more and more. Not that she didn't give me any but i would always find something to complain. Like i said, i too have something to work on.

After about 3 months she broke up with me, saying she couldn't handle the fights anymore. But only a few days later we were back together and i thought, now i have to do it right. Thinking it was all my fault.

The next 8 months, we were never a couple but we did everything as a couple (family visits, romantic episodes, travel,... .) I asked her why we couldn't be a couple and she said she couldn't commit herself because she wasn't sure about me. Her feelings had changed and she was not in love with me like she was in the beginning. From time to time she said we couldn't be together and that we could only be friends. Only to call me the next day crying or send me lots of texts to say that she missed and that she wanted to continue with whatever we had.

There's also the issue of the ex bf with whom she a relationship for 7 years. He was a very cold hearted man who never gave her any real love. She got depressed and took lots of anxiety meds because she couldn't cope with the absence of love. Finally she left him. After that she had several flings, nothing too serious but she got pregnant.

Anyway, throughout our story she keeps idealizing this ex bf, saying that we can't have a relationship because she is not over this ex. I'm guessing he constantly kept her on the edge by not giving any love.

But like i said, we continued to do everything as a normal couple and from time to time a message from her that she is not ready for a relationship and that we should be friends. Next day messages and phone calls, standing at my house... .scared to death that i would leave her.

Now her behavior: she told me she was diagnosed with BPD TRAITS. She had chronic feelings of emptiness which only go away when she's in love. She has very low self esteem. Her relationship with her parents is awful although these people take care of her kid and support her financially. She only sees her perspective and can't see other people's perspectives. She can't handle stress and lashes out uncontrollably when she is under stress.

Two weeks ago she saw her ex by accident and this upset her a lot (her sister told me that she has always said that he is the man of her life although she almost committed suicide) Since then things went downhill pretty fast.

I mean we were fighting a lot because i felt the need to talk but she always aggressively refused. Saying she had too much stress and that we would talk later... .but later never came. Also, talking means arguing to her. Although i said to her that talking is essential. She just wouldn't talk, only when she felt good and things went great between us. Because sometimes they did. And then it was amazing. On valentine's day she even said that she wanted to be a couple. But a couple of days later she would turn distant again, i got frustrated again and the fights started again.

Fast forward to now... .she broke up with me saying things just don't work out between us. I heard this before so thought that it would just pass but it didn't. And she went on a date with a guy that had asked her before a couple of times but she refused. According to her nothing happened and they just had a good conversation.

But now, there are now messages or phone calls from her about being terrified to lose me

To me she certainly has traits of BPD (except self harm). Mind you: i'm far from normal and had some good deal of therapy myself.

I read somewhere that BPD can be mild, moderate or severe. I rank her somewhere in between mild and moderate.

I would love to hear your opinions on this this!

Oh yeah she also said last week that she doesn't love me as much as she loved her ex and things are differently with me and that was the reason it wouldn't work.

Kind regards

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

Hello,   

Sorry that you are having to go through this.  It is difficult not knowing where you stand, constantly feeling like your being pushed away then pulled back.  This is relatively typical behavior of a borderline.

Consider the likely possibility that her situation with her ex isn't quite what she is making it out to be with respect to being cold hearted and unable to give love.  Perhaps some projection going on here?

I'm not entirely sure where you stand in this relationship?  Are you detaching or are you trying to salvage/save?

[Tomacini]

Thanks c stein!

About the cold heartedness... .her sister told me the same story. He was a really arrogant prick (edit: i see what you mean now... .maybe she turned cold on him and he in turn became cold hearted... .)

Where I stand right now? I don't know... .what i want to do? I don't know

Could it be that her ex triggered some episode in her and she went cold on me? Well this is lasting for over a week... .don't know how long these episodes can last

[C.Stein]

Could it be that her ex triggered some episode in her and she went cold on me? Well this is lasting for over a week... .don't know how long these episodes can last

It is quite likely seeing her ex triggered her in some way.  How long the push lasts for varies widely.  The more you read on this forum the more you will understand how similar yet different borderlines can be.  

You can't force her into any action.  If she comes back it will have to be on her own terms.  Best thing you can do right now is educate yourself on the disorder.  Learn what it entails, but in the event you do want to try and work things out, especially learn how to manage a relationship with a borderline.  

There is a ton of excellent information to be found on this site.  A good place to start is here.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Then you might want to read  some of the other articles found on the right of that page.  Important thing here is to learn, learn, learn.  Make sure your eyes are wide open to what being in a relationship with a borderline will entail.  I wish I knew a fraction of what I know now when I was with my ex.

[Tomacini]

Thanks again!

To be honest, i already read a lot before i came to this forum. I could manage it up until now with the things i read. But her going cold for so long brought me to this forum.

I guess her going out on a date could be seen as impulsive behavior which is part of a BPD episode?(although it could also happen to non BPD's) Also, when i asked who her date was and if she could show me a picture she became very hostile.