Really angry and resentful

[obliv326]

I figured this might be a better place to post this tan anywhere else. I have been writing in another thread, but I didn't want to cloud that discussion with this topic.

But to recap, I was in a relationship with a girl for about 5 months, all online. I fell for her hard. She kept doing things to hurt me and then pull me back in. Last week I had enough when she basically provoked me into an ultimatum, and I walked away. I had no idea that she was BPD until last week when I started researching. I realized that I did love her, and that the ultimatum probably wasn't the best way to handle that situation, so I tried to patch things up. I found out that she had basically done the one thing she knew would hurt me most. I am scarred and hurt. Last night, just thinking about it got me enraged, and I started thinking about revenge.

I understand that she is not healthy, and isn't necessarily  a bad person, but honestly, what defines a bad person if not their actions? We pity an alcoholic, but if an alcoholic gets behind the wheel of a car and kills someone, or even just gets in a wreck where no one is injured, they pay a steep price. Why then, if someone's disease makes them damage someone, why shouldn't you be able to exact a price for that?

I have access to information that could at the very least deeply humiliate her, and would probably end her career, if you want to call it that. I know her reaction would be pretty extreme, and frankly, given what she did, she absolutely earned and deserves it. So why should I not do it? Why should her disease not be quarantined when it is harmful and damaging? What she did has done more damage to me than anything physical. It was a fear I held for a long time, and for someone to use that against me is simply inexcusable. I have knowledge of actions she has taken that could be harmful. Since like everything she does they show a distinct lack of forethought or concern for consequences, she is basically relying on everyone else to basically allow her to live free of any of her stupid decisions. She has harmed people before.

I realize I am feeding off a lot of negativity, but this went very very deep into me, and it will take me years to begin to heal, if that can ever happen. She did it simply out of spite to hurt me. Why do we always get told to take the high road and do the right thing? So many stories here are about pwBPD who damage and destroy, physically, emotionally, and pretty much every way they can, people who loved them. Maybe, like alcoholism, we should exact consequences on these people. If they can't control their impulses for the right reasons that all the rest of us do, maybe we can appeal to their selfishness. Maybe if we make them responsible, they'll associate that emotion with their actions and not do something to harm someone else.

I realize this is probably very cruel and bitter, but that's where I am right now. I have gotten past my sadness, although that's there. Now I am just infuriated, and I just can't find any reason in me to show her the compassion I know I should. I gave that, for months. I did everything for her. And she forced me into such confusion and frustration that I overreacted, and then she punishes me? I literally can't find the place in my heart that would tell me not to do this. I don't think I would ever feel the least bit guilty about it, so even that isn't a motivation.

Try as I might, I can't find a compelling reason that I shouldn't do this. The only reason I haven't is because circumstances haven't lined up correctly. Once they do, I see no reason to hold back. Does anyone else feel this? Is there any reason I shouldn't do it?

[Daniell85]

Hi,

Sorry you have found yourself here.

Since you are in crisis, I am going to skip over a bunch of the stuff I would usually say.

You said why can't they control themselves. BPD. They never figured it out. Feelings are strong, overwhelming.

You are currently in an emotional state of resentment and anger. Probably same sort of thing she was feeling. And she followed the impulse. And I am not judging you because I feel the same anger and resentment you are.

Why should we hold back? Am I BPD? Are you BPD?

I can tell you that as strong as an impulse can be, I never actually felt better about lashing out. And I have never felt sad or angry or upset that I missed an opportunity to retaliate.

You can protect yourself by utilizing your boundaries. Boundaries come from your values.

What is your value surrounding how you interact with difficult people?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi obliv326,

I can really appreciate your anger and I think it's really important to express that anger in healthy ways, not in ways that could have repercussions for yourself.

Earlier this year, one of the members of this forum decided to name and shame her xBPDbf who happened to be a priest. She posted his details on a name and shame website. From there, other websites took the details and posted on their own. The xbf's rich parents threatened litigation if she didn't take the posts down. She tried, but the websites who had taken the details from her original post, refused to do so... .I have no idea if it went to court, but she was really distressed. She may have felt momentarily better, but when she realised the repercussions of her actions and started to regret her actions she found she'd stymied herself. The whole retribution thing backfired on her emotionally. She added one distress to another.

My suggestion to you would be bash up some cushions, go for a drive and have a good scream or rant and rave in the car, write a letter to her telling her exactly what you think of her and how she has hurt you and do not send it, or do an anger dance, take up karate, anything to help you to use the anger that's coursing through your body. Anger needs action to dissipate, so do something active. If, after all that, you still want to do something, get some legal advice on how you can do that legally. It is important for you to protect yourself.

Love Lifewriter

[obliv326]

I hear you both, and I appreciate what you're saying. I will say that there is not much chance of repercussions. I wouldn't be exposing anything confidential. I wouldn't be lying or even the source of the material. The thing that makes this different for me is that I have thought about this before, but last night I really thought through it. She's actually just lucky that the connections haven't been made already. It was one of those decisions made without any concern for the consequences, and basically just hoping that nothing happens.

I don't know that I'd feel bad, honestly. I'm so hurt right now that it feels like validation. I know its the moral high ground to not take revenge, but I almost feel like letting her get away with everything she's done is a disservice. She needs a catastrophe to get her to look at herself. I know that's a rationalization, but seriously... .I was manipulated into being forced to see a nightmare lived out in front of my eyes. She literally couldn't have done anything that would hurt me worse. She knows this. Since she may never stop and think about the consequences of her actions or how deeply they hurt me, and may even rationalize that I deserved it, I can't see how that same part of her shouldn't be punished.

[Daniell85]

ok, you have been sitting with this for a week. What happens if you sit with it for a few more weeks and then think about how you are feeling about things?

You have your boundaries maybe about engaging on that level with someone who is willing to hurt you like that. You have this website where you can talk and try to gain better tools, better understanding of BPD.

I am not saying forgive her or get over it. You don't have to do any of that.

Point I am making is you just were hit with a really big suckerpunch and that demands a ton of self care, getting validated, time to regain your balance and perspective.

I have so been where you are. I still am a lot. I want to tell the husband of the woman my ex was messing with me over what the lady is doing, not only at my boyfriend but at about 20 other men. Am I right to do it? By some perspectives. The more important thing is does it help me, really?

Take your ex out of the equation on how you are trying to sort your mind and address the deep hurt and anger you are feeling. You want to lash out because you are so hurt. Anger is a way more accessible emotion than hurt, or facing that someone you valued so much didn't act back towards you in a way that reflected value.

It's hard to really wrap emotional understanding around. And yes, take the high road on your own behalf where you can.

At this point, it really is about you.

[Grey Kitty]

You described this revenge act as something that would "at the very least deeply humiliate her, and would probably end her career".

Why shouldn't you do that?

Because you would have to look at yourself in the mirror the next day and see someone who hurt another soul like that. And do it with the goal of hurting somebody like that.

I wouldn't want to look in a mirror and see that person.

I've acted on my anger before. I've done it in the heat of the moment. I regret doing those things. That is enough for me to carry with me.

[obliv326]

I hear you both. First, it's actually not been a week since I found out about the thing she did to hurt me. That happened Tuesday. And Wednesday night was pretty bad. I was full of furious anger, to quote Sam Jackson from pulp fiction. It took awhile for that to dissipate. I'm mostly calmed down now. And I actually can't exact revenge right now anyway. I need a couple pieces of information first.

I have to tell you... .I'm still not completely decided about what to do. On the one hand I still care about her and I can't imagine that she won't be back. She seemed less than convinced when she ended it anyway, and didn't voice any personal desire to do so. Obviously no one has a magic ball, but given that she didn't really seem convinced and relied on me and trusted me a lot, it just seems like she'll be back at the first sign of stress. I'd like to think that what I'm doing to improve myself will make a relationship possible.

On the other hand, what she did is really inexcusable. It wa clearly done as a way to punish me, and devalue the work I had done earning her trust. She then compounded that error by bragging about it on social media. Knowing that I'll never be allowed to express my hurt and anger, and probably won't ever get an apology, does a pretty good job of invalidating me feelings about it, and that's tough to swallow.

It would ruin her career as such, but honestly it's not much of a career. She's put very little work into it and doesn't make much money. This isn't some lifelong dream here. This is just taking away the path of least resistance.

As for causing hurt... .That's the only thing that might stop me. I will say, if any validation is given to this new person... .And I kind of doubt there will be. It's just not a match that could last... .that I was not given, or any disrespect shown to me, I'll be very inclined to burn her down. If not, less so. Once the issue has been relegated to the past and forgotten as a stupid, desperate act done as a personal affront to me, I'll feel less angry about it. But right now it's a thorn in my side, and worse, one out there by someone with the intent to hurt me, or at the very least bc of me. Once it is seen as something less than worthy of attention or effort and some dumb thing that happened, I'll have more ability to let it go.

Also, I realize this is rationalization. But just like PwBPD, I need validation as well, particulate bc this thing has such meaning to me. Since I know I won't receive validation from her, and whenever I try and tell friends about it they tell me how stupid I am and that its my fault for not walking away earlier, often getting angry... .One person decided to end our friendship over it... .I'm feeling pretty isolated with nowhere to put my anger. Giving it back to her and letting her own it just seems fair.

[LonelyChild]

... .

Is there any reason I shouldn't do it?

Hey obliv326, here's something for you to think about:

From your description of her and from knowing BPD in general, I'd say she's really not much of a valuable person. She's broken, she doesn't have much (in terms of attachment) and she probably never will. Who cares what you do to her? She might end up killing herself some day because she can't take the emptiness anymore.

What you should consider though, is what *you* are doing towards *yourself*. Do you really want to live the rest of your life knowing your absolutely ruined the life for a girl who's mentally ill? What if you decide to do it, and some day in the future you hear that she killed herself. Will you not stop and wonder if what you did has something to do with that?

How about honesty in future relationships? Some day in the future, you're going to tell someone about this. Do you want to be dishonest when you get questions regarding what you did to deserve it (not implying that you *did* deserve it!), or what you did to get back? How would it feel telling your new love that you humiliated her to the point where she lost everything? How would it feel to say "well she's no longer alive?" How would you feel when you saw your new love looking at you with disappointment?

Be well!

[obliv326]

Well, obviously, no one wishes for anyone else to be harmed. I guess my question is when does this person have to accept responsibility for their actions? I mean, she is the one who knowingly took a certain course of action knowing it could be harmful to her in the future. She's the one who has piled up a list of people who don't like her due to the way she treats them. She's the one who puts herself in situations that are potentially dangerous, even after having had terrible experiences in the past. She's the one who pushed me to a point of frustration where I overreacted, then she chose to react to that in anger and go beyond the pale to hurt me.

I would be letting someone know that she had taken some of these actions. I'm not sure exactly that I would be the most culpable. To be honest, while I respect your opinion and feedback, I keep reading about how these people do all kinds of harm and are then shielded from the consequences by their disorder. There are some people who might appreciate knowing that there is someone in their employ with a history of poor decision making and incapable of displaying enough forethought to keep from making potentially disastrous decisions.

I don't want her to harm herself. I wouldn't mind her feeling the weight of her selfish actions. And frankly, I don't see much of a negative there.

[Grey Kitty]

For me, the key to figuring this out is to focus on consequences for actions, while separating yourself from her.


She has acted horribly in a bunch of ways. It will have consequences. It already has. She may or may not acknowledge this or understand it. (Likely she will avoid taking responsibility given her history)

If YOU protect her from the consequences of her actions (perhaps lie to cover up for her), you are enabling.

If YOU share information about what she's done, and create consequences, then you are trying to punish her or get revenge. That's not good and healthy behavior toward another adult any more than the enabling would be.

If YOU do nothing at all about this, she still has to live with natural consequences... .and still has to live with herself... .she may be able to avoid self-examination, and may live her life in a crazy and messed up way, but that isn't on you. She may appear to avoid consequences too. Life can be unfair that way. (One natural consequence of all this may be that you choose to move on and not include somebody that chaotic and messed up in your life)

Back to you.

Your choice is whether to harm another person or not.

Years from now, you won't feel that "She deserved it because of X, Y, Z" is a good reason for harming her. At least I cannot imagine myself feeling that way.

[obliv326]

Right now, I'm still pretty sore because she's pretending there's something to the infatuation she manufactured for the convenient guy. I find the idea that he is somehow going to succeed where I failed so offensive and humiliating that I want to punish her. And honestly, if, somehow, that happened, I would be inclined to do so. But that's just me having an emotional reaction. If I think about it logically, I know it's not really doable, even if she weren't BPD. I know she was upset about me, and her standards were lowered to bring in any potential replacement. That doesn't make it any easier to swallow... .But it's been a week. She devalued me after a month. I expect a similar run for this idiot.

What I do like, though, is that I've gone from needing her in an almost physical sense to, now, feeling something close to disgust for her. This is new for me. The last time I had a breakup like this, with a girl who also had some issues but not BPD, I don't believe, I never got to this point back then. I just eventually got far enough away, time wise, that it didn't hurt as badly, but it never healed.  I did a lot of work in the past 15 years and never felt like I'd made much difference. But I guess I did!  I'm sure I'll have some swings, but the fact that I got this far is such a big deal for me! I know I've still got some work to do... .I still don't feel like burning her life down would be a bad idea, and even if I don't I have a strong desire to write her and tell her exactly how little respect I have for her and trigger her and make her miserable. I really hope, very soon, that I'll be at the point where I don't care. This idea of revenge did help me. The fact that is actually a realistic option and not some craZy fantasy made it something I'd consider. And I do think she deserves it. The white knight in me is sort of riding against her now, wante to protect everyone else from her bull___... .It also feels like enforcing a boundary in a weird way. She was the one who pushed me into bad places with her weakness, and I should not have to spend one split second watching her imagine there is a "connection" with this jerk off and getting to float on the delusion that she's happy. And for making me go through that indignity, in addition to everything else, I have no issues whatsoever with her paying a steep and heavy price. I'm guessing when I don't think that way any longer I'll be closer to being a healthy adukt

[Daniell85]

You stayed too long. So did I. We walk away with a lot of damage and a lot of resentment. It is totally understandable to want to tell her off and give her some of the hurt and humiliation back.

Yesterday, my ex aimed something so mean at me that it shocked me out of my hiding place. It was a cruel act on his part, one that hit at a part of me I have been trying to protect. The reason? Because for the first time since we met almost 9 years ago ( we were friends for years before he was my BF) I disappeared completely from his sight for about a month.

It was an ugly thing he did and I reacted by telling him how crap what he did was, before I caught myself and disappeared again.

I had been stuffing down my upset at him the whole time, thinking if I could deal maybe we could try again at a later date. Now I feel the same as you: disgusted.

I am just going to say rise above it. Some BPD have strong NPD traits and the worst thing you can do anyway is disappearing so they can't even see you on facebook or any other place online or regular life.

I think my own level of resentment is equal to the time I overstayed trying to "fix" things. Maybe if you think about it, your resentment may be caused by that, in part, too.

Maybe you learned that if you don't consciously have and understand your boundaries, your feelings will tell you where those boundaries truly are and you can then enforce the boundary when you start feeling the resentment.