BPDxw wants me to pay for her lawyers - counterargument?
And you want full custody, majority time and free season tickets to all hometown games for the next 15 years. Oh, and a full apology from stbEx for doing all this to you and the family. Everybody wants everything. Can't happen. You'll get to gain some and you'll have to lose some. A lot depends on who blinks first on the various issues. Which are the biggest priorities? Will you let her overwhelm you with endless demands and give in simply because she is so intense and relentless? For many of the issues, you have an idea what the judge would rule. You have lawyers to help you understand that. Court and the lawyers love settlements. They figure that when all is said and done that the outcome would be, well, not fair, but at least not too unfair. Trials are messy, can be appealed and everyone walks out made at everyone else. They want you to settle for approximately what the judge would rule, though of course both side try to get the best possible outcome, well, for themselves. Court and a judge's decision it the ultimate Leverage. So it comes down to how best to use that Leverage. And of course whether it would work for you or against you. This is where inner conviction, stamina, strong boundaries and being informed come into play.
My story... .It took over 21 months to go from divorce filing to divorce trial. She had a very favorable temp order and so naturally she had no incentive to cooperate or settle. On Trial Day she couldn't delay any more so she was finally ready to settle. Well, there we were sitting in the courtroom, the 4 of us, I started with my One Condition to start negotiating afor a Settlement, that I would be Residential Parent. I said, It's that or we start the trial. Right off both lawyers said RP didn't mean anything but I stayed firm about RP. I knew it would be best for our son, his kindergarten teacher, bless her kind heart, told me that his mother wasn't allowed to even set foot in her classroom anymore! I was concerned if she were RP then she might move away and I'd have to scurry to wherever she went. Also, I had been here for a while and I felt that it would be an important notch in my parenting history if I were RP.
Oh, my. For the first time in years she was literally begging. Then she offered to give up a huge chunk of her marital equity. (Once our son came along, he became her only focus of life and I was trashed, you know, that
All Or Nothing mentality. Our son was the All and I was the Nothing.) That's when her lawyer stopped her and they stepped away briefly. I was sure he was telling her he needed to get paid and she couldn't decline her only way to pay him.
That's why I wrote asking whether you and your lawyer had been very clear up front, that you'd rather go to the judge for a ruling than roll over and settle for paying her legal fees. Yes, it could backfire, it's possible the judge might not rule as you expect, but would it really be all that much worse than what they're already expecting or demanding? And the benefit is that if it sinks in that the more expensive a divorce, the less she walks away with, that may impact her more than any other logic or pleas you could make. People with PDs are very messed up, illogical and emotion-driven but usually they know $$$.
We have a saying here... .virtually every time you get a decision from a judge, it's better than the crumbs and ultimatums from a demanding entitled Ex.
