Just broke up/chaotic emotions

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Don't even know where to begin, and probably don't have to belabor the points, because my story is like that of so many others.  I've have been in what is all told almost an 8 year relationship with a much younger man (he is 30, I'm 58, I know, I know... .).  He is diagnosed BPD (and was also diagnosed with bipolar, schizophrenia, generalized anxiety- basically a walking DSM).  I left him last May, stayed away 6 months, and he eventually guilted/manipulated/love bombed me into coming back in November.  So my latest recycle has been 4 1/2 months.  It has been full of the same ridiculous accusations of affairs with pretty much anyone I even spoke to or even emailed for work purposes, inappropriate anger at meaningless things (e.g., the "tone" of my voice wasn't "respectful" enough), etc.etc.  No need to go on because I'm sure you get the point... .well, things have been building up for me and after several half-hearted attempts, I broke up with him again, over the phone.  I feel bad about that but did so because I knew if I saw him in person it would turn into hours of crying, screaming and begging that would probably have me capitulating again as I have in the past.  Of course, his immediate reaction is "you never loved me", I'm a "manipulator and liar" and "it's all my kid's fault" (I have three daughters, 18, 18 and 26 who DESPISE HIM.  He lived with me in the past, but the emotional and verbal abuse they witnessed, the constant insults levied again all of us, etc., were enough to make them HATE him and he had to move back him with his family.  I realize I'm going on and on and it isn't that interesting... .sorry... .here's my questions... .I WILL FEEL INCREDIBLY GUILTY about going NC with him.  He literally has no friends, his family is a horror show of verbal abuse, he has no job (and hasn't had a job in 8 years despite a college degree and significant work towards a graduate degree in computer science).  I am leaving him at the WORST TIME (he is always in a crisis) because he is taking two classes that he can barely handle and is under a lot of stress.  I feel that he's losing his mom (me in a sense), his best friend, his wallet, his sex doll (, really kinda true) and basically everything, which is obviously going to trigger a HUGE abandonment issue.  I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS, but guilt has drawn me back to this dysfunctional and emotionally terrifying relationship time and time again.  My main question... .what can I do to stay gone this time?  This relationship has been ruining my health and COULD ruin my relationship with my girls if I continued it.  SO I HAD TO GO.  He wants kids, I obviously cant have them.  He wants to live here, my kids have said  "it's us or him" and obviously there's no contest.  I can't give him what he wants and I have told him that.  I've told him kindly, I've told him not-so-kindly, I've screamed it, I've cried it.  WAS I A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR CHOOSING MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN?  WAS I HORRIBLE FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM OVER THE PHONE (BELIEVE ME, HE SAW IT COMING... .)  AM I HORRIBLE FOR WANTING TO GO NC?  HOW COULD I MAKE THIS LC FOR HIM IF IT MIGHT HELP HIM WITH HIS ABANDONMENT STUFF?  SHOULD I EVEN CARE? (HE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT).  Oh, geez, sorry about all the capital letters!  Just saw this and I'm too flustered to go back and re-type.    I feel guilty for breaking up with him, guilty for wanting to be very LC or NC, and yet, I am afraid of him and my T says (and she has met him) that he DOES have the potential for violence (although he never raised a hand to me).  Any insight or help would be appreciated, thanks!

[chillamom]

Don't even know where to begin, and probably don't have to belabor the points, because my story is like that of so many others.  I've have been in what is all told almost an 8 year relationship with a much younger man (he is 30, I'm 58, I know, I know... .).  He is diagnosed BPD (and was also diagnosed with bipolar, schizophrenia, generalized anxiety- basically a walking DSM).  I left him last May, stayed away 6 months, and he eventually guilted/manipulated/love bombed me into coming back in November.  So my latest recycle has been 4 1/2 months.  It has been full of the same ridiculous accusations of affairs with pretty much anyone I even spoke to or even emailed for work purposes, inappropriate anger at meaningless things (e.g., the "tone" of my voice wasn't "respectful" enough), etc.etc.  No need to go on because I'm sure you get the point... .well, things have been building up for me and after several half-hearted attempts, I broke up with him again, over the phone.  I feel bad about that but did so because I knew if I saw him in person it would turn into hours of crying, screaming and begging that would probably have me capitulating again as I have in the past.  Of course, his immediate reaction is "you never loved me", I'm a "manipulator and liar" and "it's all my kid's fault" (I have three daughters, 18, 18 and 26 who DESPISE HIM.  He lived with me in the past, but the emotional and verbal abuse they witnessed, the constant insults levied again all of us, etc., were enough to make them HATE him and he had to move back him with his family.  I realize I'm going on and on and it isn't that interesting... .sorry... .here's my questions... .I WILL FEEL INCREDIBLY GUILTY about going NC with him.  He literally has no friends, his family is a horror show of verbal abuse, he has no job (and hasn't had a job in 8 years despite a college degree and significant work towards a graduate degree in computer science).  I am leaving him at the WORST TIME (he is always in a crisis) because he is taking two classes that he can barely handle and is under a lot of stress.  I feel that he's losing his mom (me in a sense), his best friend, his wallet, his sex doll (, really kinda true) and basically everything, which is obviously going to trigger a HUGE abandonment issue.  I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT THIS, but guilt has drawn me back to this dysfunctional and emotionally terrifying relationship time and time again.  My main question... .what can I do to stay gone this time?  This relationship has been ruining my health and COULD ruin my relationship with my girls if I continued it.  SO I HAD TO GO.  He wants kids, I obviously cant have them.  He wants to live here, my kids have said  "it's us or him" and obviously there's no contest.  I can't give him what he wants and I have told him that.  I've told him kindly, I've told him not-so-kindly, I've screamed it, I've cried it.  WAS I A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR CHOOSING MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN?  WAS I HORRIBLE FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM OVER THE PHONE (BELIEVE ME, HE SAW IT COMING... .)  AM I HORRIBLE FOR WANTING TO GO NC?  HOW COULD I MAKE THIS LC FOR HIM IF IT MIGHT HELP HIM WITH HIS ABANDONMENT STUFF?  SHOULD I EVEN CARE? (HE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T IF THE SHOE WAS ON THE OTHER FOOT).  Oh, geez, sorry about all the capital letters!  Just saw this and I'm too flustered to go back and re-type.    I feel guilty for breaking up with him, guilty for wanting to be very LC or NC, and yet, I am afraid of him and my T says (and she has met him) that he DOES have the potential for violence (although he never raised a hand to me).  Any insight or help would be appreciated, thanks!

[bunny4523]

You are all over the place which is common during a breakup with a BPD. FOG.  You're not a horrible person and there is nothing wrong with putting your focus on taking care of yourself.  You have every right to decide you don't want to be in this relationship anymore.  You don't need a "good" reason.  So here are your questions... .maybe you can answer them yourself now?  You need to value yourself enough, move on and have a happy life.  You should feel guilty if you ignore that.

what can I do to stay gone this time? 

  WAS I A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR CHOOSING MY LIFE AND MY CHILDREN? 

WAS I HORRIBLE FOR BREAKING UP WITH HIM OVER THE PHONE (BELIEVE ME, HE SAW IT COMING... .) 

AM I HORRIBLE FOR WANTING TO GO NC? 

HOW COULD I MAKE THIS LC FOR HIM IF IT MIGHT HELP HIM WITH HIS ABANDONMENT STUFF?  SHOULD I EVEN CARE?

[sweet tooth]

No, you're not horrible at all. I'm curious why you began this relationship. You called yourself his "mother." Did you want to have a son? Is it possible you used him as a surrogate? I'm not judging here. I'm just asking the question.

Also, you totally made the right move. Your health and your children come first. You are not responsible for his happiness. I understand why you feel guilty, but you're guilt won't fix him.

As far as completely ending it, there's nothing else you can do other than going strictly NC. You already told him WHY you can't see him anymore. You don't owe him anything else (or even that, for that matter).

[Isa_lala]

Chillamom... .What should I say? Only one word: congratulations!

Listen, I broke up with my ex 5 weeks ago in a kind of worse way: we were leaving together at my place, I knew he could be violent, I didn't know what reaction to expect from him, didn't want to talk a chance, so I prepared my escape: found a place to stay with my 8-year old son, waited for my ex to go to work one morning and then, I took my things and left the house without a note (I was supposed to, but things didn't work exactly how I had planned, so no note)

Did I feel guilty to have done it this way? YES! Did I have another choice? Maybe. But at that time, that was the only choice I imagined.

You did it on the phone? And? You know why you did it this way. With a "normal" person, you would have done it differently.

You feel guilty to leave him at the "worst time" in his life? But as per what you said, his life is always at the worst-time stage anyway.

And you feel guilty to put you ahead? It is because that, in our education, we were taught that it is selfish to think of ourself before thinking of the others and being selfish is bad. Yeah? Not

It is a case of survival. Imagine back in the time men were hunting to be able to eat and have their wife and children eat. They were not selfish but to survive, they couldn't put them after everybody to share a piece of meat if not, they would have died.

Sorry if it is not clear, English is my second language.

So put yourself ahead for survival first. Then, you will learn that listening to our emotional needs is not selfish (I am at this stage and will work that with a T)

Do you work? Does your company have a EAP or a program with their insurance company where you could get a short term support? I did that to prepare my "escape" and it helped me a lot to speak with a T to feel less guilty to leave my ex the way i was planning

YOU ARE NOT GUILTY OF HAVING CHOSEN YOUR DAUGHTERS AND YOU!