New FF texting rules. What do you think

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Granted, I was helping some people move so I didn't have a lot of time to respond.

History.  Wife knew about it ahead of time.  Also knew about it again this morning when we talked on phone and I said I would be there with trailer at such and such time and needed to leave x amount of time after that.

So, I get to house and she is not ready, boys won't move.  They had been up all night with church all nighter.  I picked them up at 6am.  They knew night before and this morning that they had a couple hours sleep and were expected to get up, get dressed and get in truck.  They can sleep to and from, but would be carrying boxes the rest of the time. 

I expected it to be great fun as teens learned about choices.   Unless Mommy enables them avoiding those choices, sigh.

So, with people not moving I left the residence to be where I needed to be on time.  She was horked that I was leaving.

Then, a  while later the texts come in.  Boys finally got dropped off, moving got done.

Here is the text log and me "staying above it"

Also she left some voicemails complaining about various things.  I didn't hear the ring.

ff wife: Hey I'm almost there to drop the boys off but I just want my opinion to be clear both boys were up all night at the youth sleepover and s15 has to work at 4 o'clock today he's had one hour of sleep s13 how is going out with this girl tonight and he's had one hour of sleep I had no idea you were planning on doing this today you did not speak to me about it at all 8:55 AM

Me: We should talk later 8:56 AM

ff wife: You left a snowmobile and a truck bumper literally almost smack in the middle of the road in front of house 8:56 AM

ff wife: What a great idea honey actually talking about plans 8:56 AM

Me: Any idea on eta 8:57 AM

ff wife: And the next time you answer a butt dial from me please hang up the phone instead of leaving it on 8:58 AM

Me: We r behind (address) in alleu 9:00 AM

Me: Alley 9:00 AM

ff wife: Just to be clear I am very happy you are helping them and I would have like to help myself if my mom Papaw we're in town to watch the little girls 9:00 AM

ff wife: I will pick the boys up about 12:30 so they can get at least another hour or two of sleep before they go to work 9:01 AM

Me: Can we tàlk later IRL 9:01 AM

ff wife: Yes we can talk later, now maybe u can inderstand why I wanted to talk layer when I was driving to work and you kept texting me about my role in feeding the dog, 9:06 AM

ff wife: IRL? 9:16 AM

Me: In real life 9:16 AM

ff wife: What on earth does that mean 9:17 AM

end of texts.


The burning question in my head is, "if I didn't talk to her about it, why did she call me this morning saying she wanted to go.  Opening line of phone convo was that she wanted to go help.

Probably not the best issue to try and sort out,    

Just got back home.  Going to go soak in Jacuzzi tub to work out some kinks.  She seems in really pissy mood.

FF

[formflier]

Granted, I was helping some people move so I didn't have a lot of time to respond.

History.  Wife knew about it ahead of time.  Also knew about it again this morning when we talked on phone and I said I would be there with trailer at such and such time and needed to leave x amount of time after that.

So, I get to house and she is not ready, boys won't move.  They had been up all night with church all nighter.  I picked them up at 6am.  They knew night before and this morning that they had a couple hours sleep and were expected to get up, get dressed and get in truck.  They can sleep to and from, but would be carrying boxes the rest of the time. 

I expected it to be great fun as teens learned about choices.   Unless Mommy enables them avoiding those choices, sigh.

So, with people not moving I left the residence to be where I needed to be on time.  She was horked that I was leaving.

Then, a  while later the texts come in.  Boys finally got dropped off, moving got done.

Here is the text log and me "staying above it"

Also she left some voicemails complaining about various things.  I didn't hear the ring.

ff wife: Hey I'm almost there to drop the boys off but I just want my opinion to be clear both boys were up all night at the youth sleepover and s15 has to work at 4 o'clock today he's had one hour of sleep s13 how is going out with this girl tonight and he's had one hour of sleep I had no idea you were planning on doing this today you did not speak to me about it at all 8:55 AM

Me: We should talk later 8:56 AM

ff wife: You left a snowmobile and a truck bumper literally almost smack in the middle of the road in front of house 8:56 AM

ff wife: What a great idea honey actually talking about plans 8:56 AM

Me: Any idea on eta 8:57 AM

ff wife: And the next time you answer a butt dial from me please hang up the phone instead of leaving it on 8:58 AM

Me: We r behind (address) in alleu 9:00 AM

Me: Alley 9:00 AM

ff wife: Just to be clear I am very happy you are helping them and I would have like to help myself if my mom Papaw we're in town to watch the little girls 9:00 AM

ff wife: I will pick the boys up about 12:30 so they can get at least another hour or two of sleep before they go to work 9:01 AM

Me: Can we tàlk later IRL 9:01 AM

ff wife: Yes we can talk later, now maybe u can inderstand why I wanted to talk layer when I was driving to work and you kept texting me about my role in feeding the dog, 9:06 AM

ff wife: IRL? 9:16 AM

Me: In real life 9:16 AM

ff wife: What on earth does that mean 9:17 AM

end of texts.


The burning question in my head is, "if I didn't talk to her about it, why did she call me this morning saying she wanted to go.  Opening line of phone convo was that she wanted to go help.

Probably not the best issue to try and sort out,    

Just got back home.  Going to go soak in Jacuzzi tub to work out some kinks.  She seems in really pissy mood.

FF

[Notwendy]

Well done, but consider this about you. The term "staying above it" can be construed as a one up position. You are mainly managing you- your triggers, your upset in the face of being baited. But don't use "above" or "make wrong" an aspect of yourself. You are who you are. This is self care. The title could not be FF rules, but how you managed your own discomfort and were not reactive in the face of being baited. That is something to pat yourself on the back. Now, also remember the extinction burst and habit. She is used to you taking the bait and getting an emotional response from you. That feels validating. So, if something doesn't work the first time, someone using a tool that once worked, is likely to keep using the same one until they learn it doesn't work. But you can't just eliminate unwanted behavior, it has to be replaced by new behavior. That is the talking in person. But she is likely to bait you there too. So be ready to say I need a break if you get upset.



Me: We should talk later 8:56 AM

ff wife: You left a snowmobile and a truck bumper literally almost smack in the middle of the road in front of house 8:56 AM  Dig at you, Trigger/bait

ff wife: What a great idea honey actually talking about plans 8:56 AM

  Sarcasm   more bait


Me: Any idea on eta 8:57 AM  YOU DIDN'T BITE the bait! woo hoo

ff wife: And the next time you answer a butt dial from me please hang up the phone instead of leaving it on 8:58 AM More of the same more bait

Me: We r behind (address) in alleu 9:00 AM  (DIDN"T BITE AGAIN)

Me: Alley 9:00 AM

Now you have not gone off onto some tangent. Conversation is on topic!

ff wife: Just to be clear I am very happy you are helping them and I would have like to help myself if my mom Papaw we're in town to watch the little girls 9:00 AM

ff wife: I will pick the boys up about 12:30 so they can get at least another hour or two of sleep before they go to work 9:01 AM

Me: Can we tàlk later IRL 9:01 AM

ff wife: Yes we can talk later... .now maybe u can inderstand why I wanted to talk layer when I was driving to work and you kept texting me about my role in feeding the dog... .9:06 AM

ff wife: IRL? 9:16 AM

Me: In real life 9:16 AM





ff wife: What on earth does that mean 9:17 AM  (bait, no need to JADE)  Maybe could have said " I like talking face to face with you"

end of texts.


How did that convbo feel? Hopefully less frustrating. Now, don't expect instant results. Habits are hard to break, and new behaviors take time. Backtracking is not a failure. You will learn to get right back on track again.

The burning question in my head is... ."if I didn't talk to her about it, why did she call me this morning saying she wanted to go.  Opening line of phone convo was that she wanted to go help.

Probably not the best issue to try and sort out... .   angel

Just got back home.  Going to go soak in Jacuzzi tub to work out some kinks.  She seems in really pissy mood.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think this is fantastic!

Notwendy pointed out all the bait.

You didn't 'pick up' or react to any of her bait.  You stayed on task, focused, awesome!

Also, it actually appears that you ignoring her is allowing her to 'resolve' some of her own conflict as she vents it but it stays hers to deal with.  Ok, I recall notwendy suggesting you focus on u and not her, so I agree, that the goal is not to help her cope with her stuff, but keep your stuff yours and hers hers... . 

So, I kinda see her working out her stuff as you are not picking it up.  :)oes anyone else get that sense?

Idk, I think this is a really cool example!

(So long as you don't txt her to tell her what a great example you are being!   )

[Sunfl0wer]

I wonder what others think, but I suspect that you not attempting to validate was a good thing.  _{(Dare I say this)}

I think staying business like and keeping your 'business hat' on vs changing into 'FF the husband hat' was a helpful 'move.'  I suspect if you had started validating her discomfort feelings, it would have allowed conversation to veer off in a ditch of emotions... .opening a door that was not helpful.

How do you feel about your interaction?

And about the lack of validation in it?

[Grey Kitty]

Looking good. REALLY good!  

The topic title made me think about possible (internal) ground rules about appropriate subjects for texting. And I don't mean try to get your wife to agree to them, just choose not to engage / bite on things outside the "safe" texting areas. Here's my proposal:

SAFE

• Logistics and timing on comings and goings



• Simple factual inquiries questions, or answers (dog food, groceries, take-out, etc.)



• (possibly) Playful teasing/sexting. *NOTE* I don't suggest you add this now... .just that if it is something that already works well, leave it in... .



• A little light validation of things like her b___ing about her day in ways that don't really involve you, even if that is mostly outside the rules. Emphasis on light and little here, i.e. "Yeah, that sucks"



• Boundary enforcement on subjects outside your "safe" areas, i.e. "I can't discuss this by text now" (Again, keep a light touch, and not picking up the bait seems better if you can do it like this example)

UNSAFE

• Any serious relationship discussions with her.



• Suggesting/asking/demanding that she discuss something with you in person/etc.



• Pretty much anything critical of her.

[Sunfl0wer]

Maybe adding to 'unsafe' is... .

Inquiries/clarifications about her... .

Intentions

Roles

Expectations

What she previously agreed on

Instead, if you are uncertain to her role in anyway... .Better not to phrase it in a way that questions her about her.  Best to instead phrase it as FF is confused, and is seeking a fact that he may need to accomplish a task.  If fact not given, accept that the answer is: fact will not be given.  (Instead of persisting/'hounding' her for it)

[Grey Kitty]

One more for the "unsafe" list: Any attempt to take the temperature / see how upset she is.

[Daniell85]

You did awesome 

She didn't actually linger on each complaint after you didn't pick up the bait. She moved onto another complaint... its like she was in a rainman sort of thing where she just has to say it ... train of thought in texts?