Hello from first timer

[Nikki15]

I have very often found myself on this site, searching again for answers or clues to my daughters problems, but have never taken part in any forums or in fact, any social media at all- so apologies if I do something wrong. I don't know if I'm supposed to ask a question, or just talk about my daughter to start with?

Anyway, unfortunately I know I'm in the right place, as even though undiagnosed there can be no doubt she has BPD. It is quite an amazing time isn't it, when you eventually stumble upon this illness, to think that all those random, horrible difficult traits are actually part of an actual disorder - I was completely blown away. But then, of course you get used to that and start to realise that this enlightenment is just the beginning and doesn't really change anything all that much.

I wonder if anyone has found any helpful DBT, residential places or therapeutic communities in the UK, as we seem to be very much lagging behind the USA in treatment of this disorder. My daughter is not in a place to accept treatment quite yet and is actually living abroad at the moment. She is extremely unstable though so I expect a return at any time and I would really like to have a plan ready for when she does want to accept help and treatment. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

Welcome to the site.  I'm sure you will find a lot of help and comfort here even though it is not a 'club' anyone really wants to join!  I am in the UK too and you are right, I believe we are way behind the States in our treatment of BPD and many other mental illnesses.  My BPDD is 33 and, after diagnosis only 9 months ago, has really been shunted around and hasn't really received any 'treatment' as such.  The only person who gave her hope was in a private hospital and their recommendations have been completely ignored (my suspicion is that they were simply too expensive under the NHS to implement).    We have been told that DBT is not available in our area too which was a bit of a blow.  

How old is your daughter by the way?

I have found the moderators/ambassadors on this site absolutely brilliant at guiding me and the tools/lessons/ and most frequently viewed 'threads' so helpful.  

The best thing is to know that you are not alone in this.  The isolation was what I found most hard to deal with and this site has alleviated this to a large extent.  Lots of hugs!  

[Lollypop]

Hi nikki15

A big welcome to you.

We also live in the UK and my Bpds is 25. We manoeuvred him out of the house last May as we'd given up. String of problems and it was never ending.

He went to the USA and ended up in crisis at a hospital in California in sept 15.  Assessed, diagnosed on the same day and immediately referred for DBT therapy which he started the same week. Unbelievable? Despite starting therapy he just couldn't cope with living independently without any friends and he ended up in crisis, we felt we had no choice but to have him back in our home mid-Dec.

I had a plan for his return but it hasn't worked out like I'd originally wanted. The first thing I realised was that he needed to feel safe, secure and stress free as he was so very low.

We had no support from our GP. Bpds did get a referral for a mental health assessment from A&E but he has failed to attend 6 appointments. I wait patiently as I realise I can't force this. We see small signs of improvement, he's working casually, paying rent and appears to be happy. Importantly, we are all building a better relationship. It's not been easy but the changes in his behaviour are marked, all because we have changed our approach.

I've learnt so very much here reading, practicing new skills, asking for comment on the way I've dealt with conversations and also advice. We've come a long way with the support here.

I look forward to seeing your posts and will help if I feel able. It's great to see other viewpoints to particular problems.

[wendydarling]

Hello Nikki15

 Welcome to bpdfamily and well done for posting, we understand how daunting social media can be as we set out.  Just be yourself, ask questions and you can't go wrong we are all here to provide support and gain support   

I live in London. My daughter is 27 and was diagnosed last July after her first hospitalisation in May, followed by four others admissions, the last being in February. However, it took 13 years of different diagnoses eg eating disorder, self harm, anxiety... .and individual non joined up treatments (via the GP) till a BPD diagnosis came forth. She lost so many wasted and painful years finding the proper treatment for this painful disorder as a result.

She is now 2 weeks into the DBT pre commitment stage process with a NHS therapist and will sign the contract and join a weekly group skills session for the next 2 years and a weekly meeting with the therapist. She is very committed to get as well as she can. Last August she hit rock bottom, I stayed up with her during her crisis, she was screaming, saying the pain was so unbearable and she wanted it to stop.

We are very fortunate to have a local mental health team able to provide DBT, even though there is a waiting list (Islington and Camden) they provide those on the waiting list access to a weekly drop in to the skills building. It's been life saving for my daughter.

My daughter attended 6 weeks of private care for one of the group skills sessions last September, not a very empathetic or engaging experience for her but worth it for realising she wants to be within the NHS system for life long care and appreciate of the quality of care they are now providing her. She also attends AA.

I hope your daughter returns home safely and soon.  Has your GP explained to you what services are available to your daughter, its a starting point.

Look forward to hearing from you.

WDx

[lbjnltx]

It seems all the Brits have found each other here!

How wonderful that you can all support one another, share resources and help guide one another through the national health system of treatment.  What a great group to have around you.

Though not a Brit I do have a dry sense of humor so maybe I will poke in and lend some support if needed.

I just wanted to welcome you Nikki and let you know that you will do fine here.  When I joined the site (seems like eons ago) it was the first time I ever got "online" in my life.  Don't hesitate to ask questions about navigating the site or how to do something/find something.  That's what we are here for... .

lbj

[wendydarling]

Lbj, I almost wrote to Nikki 'here comes yet another UK pillion rider falling ... in a heap of love'   

Seriously, when my daughter is further into her recovery I'll have time to research what's not happening in the UK and advocate . 

UK BPD professionals watching us struggle to gain access to care - your advice is very welcome  

WDx

[Nikki15]

Thank you for your replies - it's great to hear some friendly 'voices'. I find friends and family to be amazingly patient and kind but can obviously not really understand. My daughter is 20 and although in the mental healthcare system since her first overdose aged 16, not one of our mental healthcare workers mentioned BPD. We thought we were dealing with a particularly bad case of teenage rebellion that just got worse and worse whatever we did. In desperation and thinking ourselves to be terrible parents we decided to allow her to go and stay with relatives in Australia, who would probably do a better job - needless to say they fell out pretty quickly and she has been surviving over there for over a year now with a succession of friends and boy/girlfriends.

Recently I was lucky enough to meet up with one of the 'rescuer' types she hung around with here before she left who amazingly was a psychiatrist and he suggested BPD- I thought this was a fantastic way to be 'diagnosed' as he saw her how she was, not how she wanted to be seen. Simultaneously I think she has also been diagnosed Down Under  (although, I'm sure in common with most borderlines, getting to the truth of the matter is really hard) and it seems she is having therapy there but it's not DBT - I guess treatment in Australia is behind USA too (anyone any knowledge of this?)

We live in the south west of England and I think there is no DBT therapist within 200 miles, so although in my heart I am yearning to have my daughter back where I might be able to help her (never seemed able to help before though) I think she is probably better off where she wants to be, having some therapy. Feel horribly guilty though, and do need to plan what we might do when she comes home.

Thanks for listening! Would like to use a smiley face but don't want to pick the wrong one!xx

[Lollypop]

Hi nikki15

i did speak with a South African senior psychologist at a hospital in Oxford who offers private Dbt treatment north of Bristol. Her costs were way too high for us at £200 per hour so I didn't pursue this.  I've also heard on the grapevine that dbt therapy is available in Plymouth but I don't know any of the details.

Hope this helps in some small way. I know how hard it is being so far away, I find telephone conversation very difficult with my BPDs, particularly if he's in a low mood. ive found it much easier to communicate with him face to face as I've started to listen and read his body language.

[Nikki15]

Thanks Lollipop,

That is very helpful. I agree that some of the professionals are so extortionate and the problem is that our kids need long term help so the costs would be massive - that's without considering whether it would actually work or not. We have to hope that services start to improve.

I know what you mean about face to face V distance contact. My communication is solely emails at the moment - really difficult to gauge things- but I will keep trying.

Was your son happy to leave the States to come home or did he hope to make a new life over there? I am always worried whether we did the right thing to let her go, especially as I didn't know what she had at the time. I hoped a dose of independence would help her grow up, now I worry that it has been particularly bad for her identity problems (has now developed an Australian accent, new persona and changed her name) which will take another hit when she does come back.

It's not easy is it! xxx

[Agape76]

Hi Nikki :-)

I'm looking for help for my daughter too and just came across this website, wondered if you already knew about it?

Www.emergenceplus.org.uk

Lots of info relevant to personality disorder support in the UK. Yes, the UK does appear to be way behind the US but hopefully we can find the support our daughters need, when they're ready to access it... .

[lbjnltx]

I did a search of behavioraltech.llc, it is the website for DBT certified training by Marsha Linehan.

Here is the result of the UK search:

United Kingdom


PsychologyWales DBT Service

19-20 Goldtops

Newport NP20 3PH

United Kingdom

Phone: (770) 339-5041

Email: info@psychologywales.co.uk

Website: www.psychologywales.co.uk

Program(s): Outpatient

Population(s): Adolescents and Adults


Members who completed BTECH/UW BRTC training:

• Catherine Goodwin (Intensive, 2015)

If this is not an viable option you might try contacting them for a referral.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Nikki15]

Thank you for your help. Seems like there are some leads to start searching for UK help. Hopefully this will improve a lot and quickly! XXX

[lbjnltx]

I hope you can at least find a viable resource and schedule an appointment.

Let us know how it goes.

lbj