New step-parent to homeless BPDD

[faithlady007]

**Sorry for long post** New to BPD world. I'm a new empty nester, late forties. Only child in college. I'm newly married about 10 months.  New husband just found out oldest daughter(32) has BPD. D not in any therapy yet but classic BPD, all symptoms. Lives 3 hrs away. She ws just served divorce papers by legal husband. Had 4 children by 3 other men while separated from him. Nice guy I heard. Now she is homeless. Has 1 infant, 1 toddler, 7 and 8 year old. 8 year old is autistic but she is in denial and he does not receive help. CPS made her leave volatile living situation month ago or her kids go to fostr care. kids have moved at least 9 times this yr(shuffle between states, houses, shelters) She went to a shelter. Stayed 3 weeks. Communication gets sporadic with her if she doesn't like something her Dad says. She left the shelter and went to stay with BPD/narrcss mom out of state but that was like gas on fire and mom put her out bec mom's new "90 day fiance" is coming from Nepal to live with her. Her last live-in BF text me to say she was back n came by his house, had no place to stay and could me or her Dad try to reach her. BF is under protective order by her and I think is glad to be rid of her. She was mean to his 6 yr old son who he had custody of but left bec of her. Dad tried to reason with her past weekend. She was mean as a snake to him n whiny. Refused to come here. We r mostly concernd for kids. They hve missed a week of school. ***I was about to call in CPS when I hd husband tell her she was close to losing her kids that it is dire to be homelss with 4 little kids. She responded positive to that and agreed to come here 4 us to help her get on track(?). I am willing to help but I feel angry at husband that it seems I am main one to see the situation for what it is and how her kids are suffering and that she has a mental prob. And why nothing serious has been done to try to curtail destructive behavior esp since kids are involved. VERY concerned about having her in my home(sloppy, not teaching kids manners etc). And if my new marriage will stand up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello faithlady007,

Welcome to the site!

Bringing an adult with BPD and all of her children under your roof is a big change for your life and lifestyle.  Have you ever met your stepd32 before? 

Have you and your new husband (her dad and the grandfather of all of these children) talked about what kind of expectations there will be regarding stepd and the kids in the home?  Has your husband tried to find any info on BPD and what his d32 struggles with?

lbj

[Kwamina]

Hi faithlady007

I would like to join lbjnltx in welcoming you here

The situation you describe with your stepdaughter is quite complicated indeed. Especially since there are also little kids involved, I can definitely understand your concerns.

You are new to the BPD world, so I can imagine how shocking all of this must be. Though your husband just found out his daughter has BPD, he might already have been aware of her problematic behaviors for quite some time. Do you think this might be why he doesn't seem to have as strong an emotional reaction as you to what's going on?

Do you know how your stepdaughter behaved when she was younger, has your husband ever said anything about this?

[faithlady007]

Hi Ibjnltx and kwamina 

Thank you both for responding! I sincerely appreciate it.

***Ibjnltx-yes it is a huge change. And yes I have met her. Kept the older kids at least 3 times over several holidays.  Since I posted they have arrived. We counseled with a friend prior to her coming bec we couldnt get an immediate  prof counseling appt. Our friend did highly agree with me that there be boundaries and that my husband be the one to express to her what they would be. And any consequences like having to leave.

We did get a call from the local counseling center today. We should be able to get an appt soon. They are given by 3rd-4thyr year Psych Majors.

He had read up on the info that I have given him. I think he is a mixture of (a)being relieved to finally understand that his thoughts have been true that there is something "certifiably" mental going on and (b) being overwhelmed that his d is not normal. And that there are children involved.

***Kwamina, It is shocking. And honestly had I known that it would be this "up close and personal" I am not sure if I would have married when I did. Maybe would have waited until the "acuteness" of the situation was over.  I just try to remember the "what if" something happened with my child and he was called upon to do something to help her that was very hard for him.

And you are dead on about her having issues when she was younger. He did tell me that they had to homeschool her in high school because she had "social" issues. I think with his divorce and subsequent heavy work schedule she just appeared in early adulthood as having mood swings and to be making a string of bad decisions.

Now he thinks that she is a text book case of BPD from what he has learned so far and been able to check off all the characteristics.

I do have coping tools in place to deal with the situation at hand. And have been really conscious about using them because she is THE issue with how her children behave.  She is lazy.  Her parenting skills are poor. My husband talked to her about her yelling to communicate w kids.  And she has not once said to her Dad or I "thank you" or any gratitude about her temp stay here.

But then I didn't expect that with a BPD.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again faithlady,

It is good to hear that you and your dh (dear husband) are being proactive in seeking counseling and support for yourselves and family.

Boundaries and set limits are helpful in the family unit, what is expected and what the consequences are can minimize some of the conflict when so many people are living in the same home.  While I do agree that dh should be the one to enforce the limits and be the main communicator with your stepd, boundaries are personal and we each have them.  We are each also responsible for protecting our boundaries/ourselves. Limits are kind of like house rules and it is beneficial in respecting those limits if everyone participates in determining what the house rules are, the fact that they participated in setting them is in and of itself a source of accountability.

You can read more about Boundaries and Limits here:  Communicate Boundaries and Limits over on the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board.

lbjnltx

[faithlady007]

Hi  :)lbjnltx,

Thank you for the resource and response. bpdfamily has been a blessing to me the last few days. A real source of strength.

The boundary link is right on time. I have felt that my dh is letting me down in communicating what my boundaries are in terms of his BPDd keeping the common areas neat. There are now 4 children all in different forms of play in the house. BPDd's idea of a clean house with 4 children is different from mine. I am not "manic" about cleaning but feel that a mother w 4 kids living with someone else should be much more conscious than she has been about picking up after them. He wants to take the lead on dealing with her but to me he has been getting caught up in the emotionalism of "how she's been and how she needs to be".  And also articulating to her things that are crossing his boundaries not mine.

There is a bigger issue now. We have noticed bruises all over the 11 month olds back. We took pics. But husband wants to "assess the situation" or see if they are "birthmarks" if they don't fade before calling CPS on her. However this morning I heard her with the two youngest and all of a sudden the baby gave a sudden cry like she had hurt herself and I hear her saying to the baby 'oh Im sorry did I hurt you'.

I am very disheartened. I do not want to play party to abuse or suspected abuse. This is like a steam roller dealing with BPDd and her issues.

[Panda39]

I'm sorry but if it were me I'd contact CPS now... .bruises on an 11 month old!  You and your husband don't want to be accessories to child abuse.  As reasonable responsible adults I think your priority is the protection of those 4 children from and over their mother at this point. 

Child abuse trumps everything else if you ask me.

Panda39

[faithlady007]

Thank you Panda39

Husband did a few hours ago. He did anonymously but did tell them he was her dad.  If he had not have done it I definitely would have. I had actually left to and was parked in a Walmart parking lot to do it when he called to say he did.

I say if they are "birthmarks" then there won't be a problem for her. However the way she screams at them and almost growls I doubt they are birthmarks.

My conjecture is that she thinks she can get away with it bec it is a baby. The older two are in school and can talk.

I just know that when I have kept them when she runs errands it is orderly and calm. As soon as she steps in the room the two younger start to whine and whimper. She has them VERY unnaturally attached to her. Especially the baby(she talks to it like a peer, hardly ever puts it down, almost incessant kissing etc).

It's just very uncanny to watch. I'm almost stupefied that this is part of my world right now.

[lbjnltx]

Oh dear, this is just awful! :'(

How are you holding up faithlady?  It sounds like you and dh came into the picture just in time.

How are the other kids doing?  Some acting up with mom is normal, do they have a good relationship with her?

Take care of you and yours.

lbj

[Panda39]

Thank you Panda39

Husband did a few hours ago. He did anonymously but did tell them he was her dad.  If he had not have done it I definitely would have. I had actually left to and was parked in a Walmart parking lot to do it when he called to say he did.

I'm so relieved you called kudos to you and your dh    I think this will be good for the 11 month old but may also help the whole family if the right people get involved.  Sometimes a "crisis" as hard as they are can be a good thing... .a catalyst to get some help or to change.

My conjecture is that she thinks she can get away with it bec it is a baby. The older two are in school and can talk.

Not only can they talk but if they have suspicious marks their teachers are required to report it.

She has them VERY unnaturally attached to her. Especially the baby(she talks to it like a peer, hardly ever puts it down, almost incessant kissing etc).

It's just very uncanny to watch.

This sounds like enmeshment to me here is a link for more on the subject https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I'm on these boards because my SO (significant other) has a uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and she had similar behaviors towards her daughters she was either smothering, needy, or neglectful.

I'm almost stupefied that this is part of my world right now.

You are not alone.  I felt the very same way when I first met my honey (we did not know about BPD in the beginning).  At first I didn't fully understand what he was describing to me, then I thought "why would she do this or that?" Then there was anger because of the pain she subjected my SO and his daughters too.  Understanding BPD and finding this site helped so much.  I know right now you are "stamping out fires" so to speak but hopefully when you have time you'll wonder around the site here and do some reading or hit the library or the bookstore I found learning as much as I could about BPD was very helpful.

Please note the box to the right---> each topic is a link to more information.

Hang in there I know this is hard and if you're like me this is very outside anything you have ever dealt with before.  Just do your best to support your husband be that teammate he needs and both of you take care of each other and yourselves.

Keep us posted on how things are going and feel free to ask any questions that come up the members here are great for ideas, information and suggestions.

Take Care 

Panda39

[Lollypop]

Hi there faithlady

I read your thread and didn't post as i just felt I wouldn't be able to help you. It's beyond my own experience and I felt it best to let those far wiser than I to comment and support you.

However, you've been on my mind all day, including that new family of yours. I just wanted to tell you that because, if I were in your shoes right now, I'd be wondering how my world can have changed so quickly.

You sound very strong right now and it's fantastic that you and your husband are on the same wavelength. In my darkest days I found that my H was able to carry me through and vice versa. I'm the stronger at the moment and it's ok, I've been there before and I recognise that we all are doing our very best.

The only comment I can make is that you're not on your own, there's a wealth of experience on the forum and information available to you on this site. I realise that you're dealing with big issues hour by hour at this present time. You've got a lot on your plate so to speak.  I've found it really useful to stay in the moment and this may be a hard thing for you to do as you must be worrying about what will happen next.  You know you're both doing the right thing; kids come first.

Big hugs to you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders