Desperate For Answers Now

[MakeChange]

I am coming into this with the hope of finding answers as to why my daughter who is 23 & a parent last 3 yrs behaves as she does. Horrible mood swings, constantly defensive, lies about things that could emanate judgment from others or sometimes just plain defiant, still behaves very much like a highschooler thru judgment & criticism of others, is very quick to anger, is completely selfish & self absorbed when it comes to what she wants over wjat anyone else wants (including her own child), turns on & off like a switch at the tip of a hat in ALL relationships with others, has been physically abusive to her husband more than once with my granddaughter observing, and does not connect emotionally with her child - which is the ultimate reason I am reaching out. It absolutely breaks my heart to watch a child be so excited to see her mommy after being apart all day (my daughter doesnt work but sends my granddaughter to day care every day of the week, all day, & I pick her up & take her home a couple days each week!), only to walk inside and her mommy doesnt even come to greet her. Even at 3 yrs. old, she recognizes in an instant that its not one of mommy's good days. And if she does greet her, its all for show for me. I am sickened as I re-live the scenario repeatedly while writing this. I cannot let this happen to this precious baby girl. I am so afraid that she will be forced into a personality or emotional disorder of her own if some kind of intervention doesn't happen soon. The kicker... .my daughter has been epileptic since 2 yrs. old. I believe that the emotional trauma she endured being ridiculed & shamed by her peers thru all her scool years due to having episodes in class, has absolutely contributed to her issues now. I feel like I'm rambling, I apologize if so. I'm just so afraid of what is happening. Im witnessing a little girl's heart get broken over and over again. She never wants to go home when I bring her there, she cries and asks to plz stay with me. The guilt & helplessness I feel overwhelms me when I have to leave her. Im reaching out to anyone who may be able to guide me in some kind of direction. My daughter has no idea this disorder even exists & because it would probably shame her to know she has a personality or emotional disorder on top of what she's dealt with all her life, I am doubting she will be open to it for discussion. I appreciate your time in reading this and am so thankful that your group exists. Thank you for just being.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello MakeChange,

Welcome to the Parenting board.

Such a heartbreaking situation for your granddaughter and your entire family. 

It is good that you spend so much time with your gd3.  Being that you are limited in what you are able to do to help, spending quality time with her is most effective in curbing the negative influences of her home environment.  The more time you spend with the little one the better. 

It doesn't seem from what you have written that your daughter has attended any kind of counseling thus far.  Is that right?


lbj

[MakeChange]

Thanks so much for your prompt reply! Actually, due to her most recent rage episode of biting her husband's lip to the point of needing sutures, they are actively receiving some mild counseling (marriage counseling, not for her internal issues) with a program thru Child Protective Services. After re-reading my post, I fear it appears that I don't love my daughter. I absolutely do with all my heart. That is why I am being torn in so many directions with this. I just feel that protecting a small child who cannot defend themselves must be the primary focus here. My reaching out is ultimately an attempt to help my daughter see that there could be a legitimate reason for why she reacts the way she does to things. She has mentioned it before to me, thinking maybe it is her seizure medication, etc. But has not mentioned it since I got involved & demanded she seek help or I would be getting involved legally to protect my gdaughter after her last violent episode w/husband while gdaughter there. I am so consumed with how gdaughter is being treated while alone with daughter that I'm considering placing a hidden camera in the home.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again MakeChange 

This is encouraging news about the marriage counseling.  Often times it is the first step towards individual counseling and shifting the focus from relationship to self.  That CPS is monitoring the situation is also good news as their authority is enforceable.

Worry not, I did not get the impression that you don't love your daughter.  I understand that the innocent child must be the first priority and that is where your focus is at this time. 

I also understand the desperate feelings you have about protecting gd3 and can't recommend placing cameras in your daughter's home.  First, I don't think it is legal and second it could permanently damage your relationship with your daughter and cause her to refuse you access to your gd3.  Sharing information with CPS about any abuse that you have first hand knowledge of is advisable in the interest of the child.  Beware that it may backfire as well should they confront your daughter with the information and not remove the child from the home. 

This brings us back to where you can be most affective in helping and protecting gd3... .spend as much time with her as you can and your d will allow.  The better your relationship is with your daughter the more you will be able to help and protect gd3.  Improving your relationship with your d is possible and we can provide support and information about communicating with her in ways that help.

lbj

[qcarolr]

Hi MakeChange

So glad you found your way to the parent board. Watching our gkids suffer with an impaired parent hurts so much. It feels like there is little we grandparents can do to protect them. Maybe sharing a bit of my story journeying through BPD with my DD30 can give you hope. My gd is now 10 and just beginning the entry into pre-adolescence. It has been a bumpy journey for all of us, including DD. The daddy walked out of gd's life several times starting at 6 weeks, finally leaving the state when she was 18 months after a year in jail. We received full custody of gd at this time, even though DD has lived with us off/on over the past 10 years. A bit different from your situation.

My DD knows of her BPD dx, though I don't think she accepts it. She believes in her depression, anxiety and substance abuse (excluding the legal mj, she has been clean for 10 months  ). She also has a moderate to severe learning disability that interferes with her keeping a job. My perspective is that this right-brain based dysfunction is at the core of her BPD behaviors. This also triggered emotional issues for me when she was such a difficult baby - toddler - child... .She rejects most all treatment options and has always resisted treatment. I am grateful that she may finally be showing signs of growing up. I did not see much growth in her choices until after she turned 25. It is such a gradual process for each of us.

Where I am now has taken a lot of changing in me. As I have found some peace within the chaos, I became better able to function from a place of unconditional love and strong personal boundaries with everyone in my life. Most especially with DD, dh and gd. It is amazing how dh and I can more often support each other in the boundary area. Not perfect -- better.  If you are interested, I can share more of this process as you work through the tools and lessons. (see side-bar) This is where I started in 2009 when DD got her BPD dx which led me to bpdfamily. There are some good books and videos also under "Foundation reading" in the top section to the right.

I agree with lbjnltx. Spend as much time as possible with your gd. In addition to the after day-care time do you spend other fun time with gd3? Going to zoo, on walks, to playground, playtime at your house? It may be delicate asking for this from your dd. As you do this, can you find ways to express that you also love your DD? This part is really really tricky. The truth for me has been that as I improved myself (lots of self-care and seeking personal support), I have improved my connection with my DD. This makes for the most opportunity to nurture the time my DD spends with gd. There have been MANY times that DD was not able to be in connection with our family -- ie. substance abuse stuff including jail time.

What kind of relationship do you have with your SIL, gd's daddy? Is he gone to work all day? How is he with gd? This is a tricky situation as well. Another place to balance your DD's intense needs for feeling loved with your desires to support the daddy's r/s with gd.

The core of life is being in relationship with others. There are so many challenges to overcome with BPD as part of the picture. Please let us know what areas you think we can support in your family. Things can find a place of balance -- have hope. Look forward to hearing back from you soon.

qcr Carol

[MakeChange]

Hi ibj & qcr Carol!

My deepest thanks to both of you for reaching out to me in this time of great confusion for me and my family. My apologies, I am at work & cannot reply now but will as SOON as I possibly can. Just didnt want either of u to be offended that it may take me til tomorrow or weekend to get back. I'm extremely interested in learning more about this whole new world of BPD and how I can help turn this into a more manageable situation for all of my family.

[lbjnltx]

No worries, we will be here when you are ready.

lbj

[Lollypop]

... .She rejects most all treatment options and has always resisted treatment. I am grateful that she may finally be showing signs of growing up. I did not see much growth in her choices until after she turned 25. It is such a gradual process for each of us.

Where I am now has taken a lot of changing in me. As I have found some peace within the chaos, I became better able to function from a place of unconditional love and strong personal boundaries with everyone in my life. Most especially with DD, dh and gd. It is amazing how dh and I can more often support each other in the boundary area. Not perfect.

Wow qcCarolr

That was a powerful post and you give me hope. Hope for myself to have the wisdom, hope for my H who struggles to bend, and hope for my BPDs25 who is not seeking treatment.  I can see some changes, some improvements. My H successfully validated his own brother yesterday who is in financial crisis; I don't believe my H was even conscious of his skill used.  Your practical advice is excellent and, whilst not directly relevant to me, I learnt. Thank you.

I don't have grandchildren and feel very pleased about this as it'd be a massive complication. I can't imagine how grandparents cope and deal with it.

L

[qcarolr]

Validation works for me too. Thanks for giving me some.

qcr