Advice sought

[SAAT]

Not sure anyone can help with this but I am sure some of you have experienced something similar.

Reminder of my situation – my daughter is diagnosed BPD and bipolar, she also suffers from anxiety.  She is 24. She is on medication and has a fantastic therapist.  She has been unemployed for about 6 months.  She is highly intelligent, creative etc.but has dropped out of uni and had numerous jobs.

We are very close, and see or talk to each other nearly every day.  BPDD24 visited tonight for dinner.  At the outset all good – daughter in positive frame of mind, helped  cook dinner etc. Husband (daughter’s stepfather) cooked BBQ.   During dinner – after husband questioned daughter re. upcoming job interview – daughter snapped, attacked husband and me, swearing, yelling she was never coming to our house again! And stormed out.  Then stood out the front swearing and telling us to F off…….This entire event took about 60 seconds. Unfortunately my husband defended himself and things escalated from there. 

How, How, How do I predict these attacks? All other interactions the last few weeks  have been positive but an event like this sets us back months.  I have done a lot of reading, I understand these attacks will blow over and I will be in contact with my daughter again shortly. I now find a type of strange calm comes over me when these events happen/maybe I am learning not to react and escalate matters.

But my husband is totally over it.  He is a very kind, caring person. He doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Tonight he told me he couldn’t “walk on eggshells” any more.  As a stepparent he has gone way beyond the call of duty, but whatever happens I need to support my daughter.  She has no contact with her two sisters or father. 

It is very stressful trying to walk the line between the two of them.  Last time this type of blow up happened I went to the doctor that day and my blood pressure was off the radar and he wanted me to go to hospital. My BP is normally fine – so be aware of what these upsets are doing to you!

And how will my daughter go through life and deal with unpredictable situations/people and events?  No one else she meets will have done all the reading I have and practice validation etc!

Our home should be our refuge, not somewhere we can be attacked!  I miss being able to have loving family events where everyone can relax and the most stressful thing to worry about is having enough food.  Those days are past - no one can relax knowing things can deteriorate so quickly, with one look, misinterpreted comment or action.

Any advice would be appreciated: I am exhausted and see little hope on the horizon. :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Recognizing what triggers your daughter will help in predicting these types of situations.  Talking about finding a job, finances, etc... .are one of her triggers.

Completely avoiding triggers isn't always possible or advisable.  Learning how and when to discuss these matters is necessary for the preservation of self, making any headway on the subject, as well as protecting the relationship.

You may find it helpful to look at this information regarding what to do after validation:

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

Are you providing financial support to your daughter?  What are the limits you have placed on support or agreements that you have made with her regarding financial support?

lbj

[SAAT]

Thanks Ibjnltx. I pay for her medication, therapy and psychiatrist. I help wth food. Of course every week something pops up bill wise...  

I am almost 60. I worry re her futute

[lbjnltx]

Those sound like supportive financial decisions SAAT.

What do you do when she comes to you for extra money?  What kind of agreement do you have with her about this?

[SAAT]

Yes well that happens a bit but not too much. She is pretty good at living on nothing. I will only loan her small amounts she can repay. Sounds harsh but I insist on cash the day she gets paid. This is due to having been burnt many times in the past when she has promised to transfer money and it hasn't happened.

I have established some boundaries to date with money. The biggest issue in the last 6 months has been unpredictable rages. Some of this may have been linked to medication which she has now stopped taking. This morning she sent me an apology saying she had no control over these outbursts. I have replied saying I will not tolerate abuse and will leave ... .If she abuses us in our home she will be asked to leave.

She tells me she cannot recall everything she did last night when she "snapped". Does this sound possible?

[lbjnltx]

I would say it is possible that she doesn't remember everything she said while in a rage. 

Was that the first time you set a boundary around emotional/verbal abuse with your daughter?

[wendydarling]

Hi SAAT 

I'm very sorry to hear your daughter's anxiety was triggered in the sanctuary of your home. How are you caring for you - have you considered counselling? I start bereavement counselling next week (Dad) and join a friends choir (world music) end of the month.

It's wonderful your daughter apologised to you. It must be very confusing for her, our children mean no harm, home is their sanctuary too.

"And how will my daughter go through life and deal with unpredictable situations/people and events?  No one else she meets will have done all the reading I have and practice validation etc!" Great question! Through DBT my daughter is slowly learning how to manage her emotions - it's early days, family, colleagues and friends are learning too as she has been open about her disorder, she has gained respect, she owns her disorder and is leading her recovery. She is moving on from feeling stuck, dependent and oppressed.

It's great to hear your daughter is working with her therapist. My daughter's therapist suggest she read 'My Anxiety', the book arrived today.

Sending you my support and hope.

WDx

[SAAT]

Thanks Ibjnltx and WD ... .in the past I have tried to "calm her down" when these rages happened. I neow realise that is pointless and the longer I stay in her space the more attacking comments I receive. I have to balance this with her safety of course. But I hope that by leaving a situation where she is abusing me it will defuse the situation and make her reconsider that behaviour next time... .

I was attending therapy for 18 months a year ago which I found helpful but my therapist moved interstate. I cant face starting all over again with someone new and I cant really afford it when I am paying for my daughters doctors etc. I am sure lots of other members are the same! I do feel there is a lot of truth in the comment "a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest  child"

[Rockieplace]

 "a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest  child" - I used to think that this was definitely true but now I'm hoping that it isn't otherwise I think we will be destined for a life of misery!  I'm learning how to compartmentalize through the literature and this site and striving for the ability to create some peace and enjoyment separate from the turmoil stemming from her illness.  Some days I even nearly succeed! 

[wendydarling]

So true SAAT, money does not grow on trees. I'm pleased you gained from your therapy.  Are you practising what you'll calmly say before removing yourself from the next rage?

'a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child' - I've never heard of that saying, for me it implies mother is emotionally dependent ... .of course BP is a bumpy road for all and as Rockieplace says we are learning to create a loving safe environment where happiness thrives. Hang on in there, we are here for you 

WDx

[Dibdob59]

The phrase relating to parents only being 'as happy as their unhappiest/saddest child' has been written about extensively. It is a phrase I can remember hearing many years ago and it still seems highly relevant today.

My own perspective is that it is a much deeper issue than being labelled simply as co-dependent - for me this trivialises the depth and complexity of the statement.

You may find the following link interesting:

https://news.utexas.edu/2011/08/23/parent_child_success

Dibdob

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SAAT]

Thank you DibDob ... .I read the link and it is 100 per cent accurate for me. My other daughters are highly successful. In some ones this only accentuates the problems of my othrr daughter... .also I worry about what will happen when I am not around and I really can emphasise with how she suffers.

In some ways we have had very intense moments together which have made us closer than ever.

[wendydarling]

Thanks Dibdob59 and SAAT,  I have much to learn, I have one daughter   

[SAAT]

Thank you for all your comments. Just left my daughter mid conversation in a shopping centre after she commenced attacking me verbally for being 3 mins late in meeting up with her (she is very unpunctual herself! ) I gave her a warning saying "this conversation is not very productive. You seem very angry... If it continues I am leaving." This stopped her in her tracks but she then continued swearing loudly and being aggressive so I left.

Was this the right way to exit? Although an unpleasant exchange I know it would have turned into a full blown rage if I had stayed

[Bpd mother]

hi   I am very new here but want to say I can relate to the issue with your husband. We are having problems with our adult daughter at the moment too. My husband seems able to detach himself from the problems and will accept the fact that the relationship may be over. I like you feel I can not just give up on her and must keep on trying and yet I think she has a bigger issue with me than she does him.

I think you were right to walk away as I am not sure what else you could have done