what did I say?

[thePEARL]

Hello

I am a 70 year old mother of a 46 year old daughter diagnosed in her late 20'ies shortly after childbirth. I was there: father, midwife and me. At that time I had no idea that her childhood and youth would bring so much misery. My grandson is now 19.

My daughter and my last conversation ended in a terrible rage: ranting, weeping and screaming (and the sound of a lot of things getting broken). My daughter lives in another country, so our communication is on Skype. It is terribly expensive over the phone.

I just can't remember what I said that set her off. I had tried to stop the conversation some minutes earlier when it started going wrong: accusations from her side and my need to defend myself. I find I cannot be an empathetic listener to her accusations.

She did send an "I'm sorry" text the next morning and I replied with an "OK. That was scary -- It's hard to preserve optimism in our realationship and in my ability to be "good enough".

Should I let it be? she usually comes around ... .Or take an active part in getting things back on track. I am not sure if that's a good idea. I take her calls but I'm not available all 24 hours. I turn off the phone etc when I go to bed.

Thanks for all of the good message boards, I have enjoyed and been made wiser by many!

thePEARL

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello thePearl 

We are so glad to have you as part of the Parenting Board community.

It is really so very difficult to figure out exactly what sets off our BPDchildren/adult children.  Sometimes it isn't what we say... .it is how we say it or when we say it.  It is like a puzzle we try to figure out.

Getting an overall view of the big picture/puzzle can help us develop that empathy we lack in the midst of verbal attacks and blame.  Have you done much research into the disorder?  We have some excellent information gathered together under the Tools and Lessons to the right of the page here.

It is very encouraging that your daughter text you the next morning with an apology.  I would encourage you to take some time to read here and learn about the validation skill as well as look at the info on Boundaries and Limits under the Tools. 

Please be kind and patient with yourself as you begin reading and learning, it is a lot to take in and requires time.  We are here to support you in your efforts and provide feedback to the questions you have.  We also want to supply    'cause we just can't seem to get enough of those.

lbj

[thePEARL]

Hi lbj

Soon after I had started my 1st "discussion", I read another post on the same topic: mother-daughter with diagnosed BPD (I can't remember this site's abbreviations, I need to print it out and stick it to my pc-screen).

The greatest comfort with bpdfamily.com is, that I can read like experiences on the message boards, and feel a strong sense of being in the right place at the right time. There are so much advice and comfort and care.

I have read the "Validation" pages and printed them (easier for me to go back, underline, mark up etc.) Can you suggest a book on the topic? It is a new concept for me, and I need to know much more about learning and how to use validation especially in my contact with my daughter. It seems it is a way of expressing oneself that is positive under many circumstances with other people.

I have read several books on BPD, I found at our public library. And a friend of mine diagnosed with BPD has suggested books and given me a few of her own. I don't have any BPD conflicts with her, we have been friends for 40 yrs.

I do see this experience with my daughter as a learning process for me ... .well, learning is not easy but I am ready for that. And I hope and believe that having a daughter with BPD can and will make me a better person. Especially with the support of the bpdfamily.

thePEARL

[Rockieplace]

I do see this experience with my daughter as a learning process for me ... .well, learning is not easy but I am ready for that. And I hope and believe that having a daughter with BPD can and will make me a better person. Especially with the support of the bpdfamily.

thePEARL

Oh thePEARL - what a wonderful post.  I found your last paragraph particularly moving and am trying very hard to adopt this approach myself. 

I'm sure LBJ will offer more substantial advice but I found the book 'You can't make it all better' very useful for validation information.

Lots of luck to you in your journey!

[thePEARL]

Thank you Rockieplace

I can't find the book 'You can't make it all better', but I found one here someplace on this site (I think it is one bpdfamily.com recommends) by Shari Manning "Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder". I couldn't borrow it at the library here, so I decided to make the investment on Amazon. So I can make notes in the margins.

And I watched the video with Alan E. Fruzzetti on Validation. Really some food for thought.

I tried to contact my daughter on Skype a little while ago (they have a 'family' profile under my son-in-law's name), but no answer. She can see I have called.

Thanks again 

thePearl

[lbjnltx]

Hello again thePearl,

It so great to see you here reading and learning.

The book Rockieplace is referring to is here "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" on the Book Review Board.  That green link will take you right to it.  It's been around awhile so you might want to check your library.  I needed my own copy so I found one used online for about $3.00... .  I call it my Validation bible. 

Sherri Manning's book is excellent for an understanding of the disorder!  It is on our Foundation Reading list

lbj