Just got first text from mom, need help

[JerryRG]

After going on 5 months NC and the up and down with my son, she has him full time now, she abandoned him for 5 months prior to this. She's had him in her care less than one month as of today.

I hear you want to be involved in son's life a bit more. Here's the plan, son loves you so very much. Son isn't a toy, he can't be used as a yo yo. I pray your resentment towards me, his mama, go away... I told you I'd go back to court to drop te charges so J can be around him, and I still can.  I want peace, I want happiness... .especially for son. What do You think about having him this weekend, and tgen every other weekend after? You may have him on his birthday, too.

[ForeverDad]

You:  You've had cancer, possibly some issues needing AA, had son recently for 5 months.

Her:  She's been in drug treatment, perhaps as long as 5 months.

So now her terms are to limit you to alternate weekends?  It sounds like her issues are more concerning than yours.  So why should you agree to be an alternate weekend parent and therefore considered the Non-Primary Parent?

However, if there are no court orders, you're stuck with dealing with the parent in possession.  In the early months of my separation I didn't see my son for 3 months because (1) my ex didn't work, (2) she didn't use daycare, (3) our preschooler didn't attend school and (4) I could never determine when she wouldn't have son with her.  Without orders my police told me I had equal but undefined rights regarding my son.  They refused to help me, telling me to return when I had a court order in hand.  That may be your situation... .time to secure something better in court action.

Court may seem uncaring or even unfair to fathers.  But courts usually are less unfair than the crumbs offered from a demanding, punishing, obstructing Ex.  Her history of drug treatment (and probably drug use infractions?) is something to have documented in whatever forms and reports you can get and brought to court to demonstrate her issues, that you've been primary parent recently until she started obstructing a month ago and that you're more able to parent your child well.

See also this excellent post by LivednLearned:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292503.msg12751110#msg12751110

[JerryRG]

Sorry for the confusion Forever dad

Try to draw a timeline:

Mother was in treatment during pregnancy for 3 months, 1 month treatment and 2 months in a safe house.

1. Birth till 6 months I had little contact because ex was mean and overprotective, at that point our son was saving her from future addiction. Ex was too difficult to be around.

2. I filed for in court and granted full coparenting rights.

3. After I aquire rights ex decides she needs me in her life we begin relationship.

4. On again off again relationship while both caring for our son. Living together.

5. From Oct 6 to end of Nov 2015 I have our son full time. It was during this phase she claimed to have cancer then lupus and she was too ill to care for our son. Truth is she wasn't ill and just another fake illness. I asked her to seek treatment or anything she needed to get well and back on her feet so she could return to parenting.

6. She refused to get any help, I told her I had enough and wanted out of the relationship. Changed my phone number and went NC and she's texted me once during this NC somehow got my number.

7. After dealing with her and caring for our son I pleaded her family to help, my exgfs brother and sister in law step in to help and between them and me we share in our sons care. At that point I had him from Thursday afternoon to Sunday or Monday with the other days with exs family. During this 4+ month duration ex never had him overnight and only seeing him once or twice a week.

8. In March 2016 her brother said he had enough and sent our son back to mother full time. After they had commited to our son's care and knowing how unstable she is I lost control and told the off and walked away.

9. After 3 weeks I contacted exs mother (our sons grandmother) she agreed to be a facilitator and do pick up and drop off. She dropped our son off on Friday last week and I had my son until Sunday. On Sunday grandmother stated she no longer would do pick up and drop off. Forcing me to contact exgf.

10. I gave grandmother permission to give my number to ex yesterday April 6. Today I receive second text and third contact since last Nov 2015.

I hope you can follow this and I do apologize for being confusing

Thanks again Foreverdad

[Nope]

Do you feel like you are in a place to handle much more than what she's offering?

It sounds like there isn't much of a support system there for you at this point. Have you looked into child care options for when you can't be available? If being around your ex is triggering there may be places in your area that facilitate exchanges.

[ForeverDad]

Exchanges... .Can you avoid going to her home or her coming to your home?  Often that can be triggering to parents or blur the lines of separate lives for the parents.  How about exchanges at a local police station, sheriff's office or some other "neutral" site?  Some do okay with exchanges at restaurants or gas stations.  The advantage of police or sheriff offices is that if she's a no show or causes an incident then you have professionals who can log the incident or take your report.  Understand that they don't resolve long standing conflict, their goal is to resolve the immediate incident and then tell the parents to "work it out in court".

In my case I used daycare and made sure that daycare had the same standing as school in my parenting plan.  That prevented my Ex from marching in and taking our child out on My Parenting Time while I was elsewhere working.

So you've had more than alternate weekends in recent months, evidently long weekends every week.  I can understand them not wanting to be free caregivers in the middle.  Since you've had equal time lately, more or less, it is reasonable to state that you want that to continue.  If you end up in court, do so soon.  Why?  If you go in and say, "I had equal time a year ago... ." the court will say it's more interested in recent history such as the 6 months before you filed.

Even though you had every weekend recently, that's not typical.  Courts prefer alternate weekends as an almost universal solution.  Sometimes emergency workers have unusual work schedules and they get consideration.  (Alternate weekends give each parent every two weeks (1) a full weekend for weekend activities with the children and (2) a full weekend off for other weekend activities.)

Understand that frequently fathers are shoe-horned into a one-size-fits-all schedule, generally alternate weekends and (for children under age 3) 2 or 3 brief visits in between as the Non-Primary Parent.  Oh, and since father has so little parenting then he dig deep into his pockets and pays child support to mother.  Child support usually hinges on two factors:  parents' parenting time percentages and parents' incomes (or income potential, that is, imputing possible income).

A word of advice: Be sure court doesn't get the impression you want more time simply to reduce child support.  The last time I went to court I sought majority time.  My lawyer said not to request child support from mother, just that CS be adjusted.  He didn't want to give her an excuse to claim I wanted CS.  Well, I got majority time and my CS payments ended but the court refused then to order mother to pay CS since all the paperwork wasn't there.

The communication she gave seems to limit you to alternate weekends (not unreasonable at all if they are full weekends) and some time in between (that's where she is a bit stingy).  What I'm saying is that she doesn't sound as dictatorial and entitled as my ex was.  Perhaps she is aware that her "treatment" means she doesn't look like MOTY (Mother of the Year).  Maybe she's not as controlling as some described here.  Hard to really say since we're remote and anonymous.  Listen to our suggestions and strategies and determine what seems to work for you.

In short, if she becomes dogmatic and unreasonable, your alternative is to seek resolution in court.  While courts often pigeonhole fathers to limited parenting without good reason, it may be better than what you can get from an obstructive Ex.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Foreverdad

I forgot to mention that grandmother took over child support because mother didn't have our son those 4 months. I'm speculating as some have suggested that my ex wants the cs back because she's been living off it since our son was about 6 months.

Or others say she really don't want to care for him because she did abandon him and just wants to use our son to manipulate me.

Or she wants to get back into my life.

Again others who know her believe these scenarios may be true.

Another thing to keep in mind is this is not the typical response I've gotten in the past. She has pulled many many stunts when dropping him off or picking him up.

We tried a drop off at the police station and I took our son to her car and set him in his seat. As I walked away she told him, "are you tired of being with the crazies". Later that night she text saying she had to hold him and sooth him because I somehow deliberately hurt him when I "threw" him in his car seat and... .I told my son to stf up.

Non of this happened and I had 2 adult witnesses with me. I never know who's going to show up.

[ugghh]

Jerry,

You have a lot going on in this relationship.  Being in a relationship with a BPD can often lead to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) which only serves to muddy the water and cloud our thinking.   At some point I think you are really going to have to sort out the answers to a couple key questions

1) What if any relationship do you want to have with your child's mother?  If you choose to continue in a relationship are you prepared to enforce the boundaries that will keep both you and your son safe?  If you have reached the point that you are ready to bring closure to the relationship, you will likely need to commit the resources to hire an attorney to help you through the judicial process.  Absent an actual court decree, your ability to bring stability and enforceability to your son's upbringing will never be secure.

2) What type of relationship do you want with your son?  This is not meant to be a pithy or condescending comment.   Based on your statements about reaching out to the ex's family for help, it seems that you are not in a position to care for your son on a full time basis.  However, based on the erratic behavior of your ex-gf, you may be the best option.   Are there changes you make in your life to accommodate taking care of your son on a full time basis?