"It's a relationship that may not even be available to you"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

That's a quote from this website on one of the introductory pages, it's probably not exact but I'm not going to go back to try to link. It's very wise and rings true to me. Credit this to the website though.

It rings right that it's just not possible. There is not enough of anything rational going on to ever get to anything that will last. You can tell yourself "I'm just going to be the bigger person", "I'm going to be compassionate" or conversely "I'm just going to maintain boundaries".

If you were really serious about boundaries you would have walked away from all of this long ago. You wouldn't be here.

I'm not trying to sound like some sage on a hill, I'm as baffled as anyone because I feel more than a little addicted to what is a broken and not even available relationship. I crave the few nice days of love and contentment, but now I also just also watch the pressure valve rise when we seem to be happy. And you can't possibly avoid it. I've tried every angle. Ignore it, walk away, call it out. It's always going to end up in an explosive disaster with hours or days of accusations, ultimatums.

The latest has to do with not responding to text messages quickly (when I'm at work... .because I'm working). And it has already started to evolve into dead-eyed, explosive, utter nonsense which I've tried everything I know to shut down. "You're so cold and empty", "You give nothing to this relationship", "You don't even know what love is"... .on and on it goes.

[Yikes44]

That's a quote from this website on one of the introductory pages, it's probably not exact but I'm not going to go back to try to link. It's very wise and rings true to me. Credit this to the website though.

It rings right that it's just not possible. There is not enough of anything rational going on to ever get to anything that will last. You can tell yourself "I'm just going to be the bigger person", "I'm going to be compassionate" or conversely "I'm just going to maintain boundaries".

If you were really serious about boundaries you would have walked away from all of this long ago. You wouldn't be here.

I'm not trying to sound like some sage on a hill, I'm as baffled as anyone because I feel more than a little addicted to what is a broken and not even available relationship. I crave the few nice days of love and contentment, but now I also just also watch the pressure valve rise when we seem to be happy. And you can't possibly avoid it. I've tried every angle. Ignore it, walk away, call it out. It's always going to end up in an explosive disaster with hours or days of accusations, ultimatums.

The latest has to do with not responding to text messages quickly (when I'm at work... .because I'm working). And it has already started to evolve into dead-eyed, explosive, utter nonsense which I've tried everything I know to shut down. "You're so cold and empty", "You give nothing to this relationship", "You don't even know what love is"... .on and on it goes.

[lingering]

run!

[C.Stein]

If you were really serious about boundaries you would have walked away from all of this long ago. You wouldn't be here.

Boundary violations are difficult to deal with in any relationship.  I don't believe even in a healthy relationship there isn't some boundary violations.  I don't believe a violation necessarily has to result in walking away, but certain some violations, or repeated violations might lead to that.  It really comes down to what you can tolerate and how willing your SO is to work on respecting your boundaries.  

How do you think you can get your SO to respect your boundaries?

[Sunfl0wer]

I am confused.  It is my understanding, from my learnings on this site, that boundaries are for us to protect ourselves.  If we set boundaries with expectation that our disordered persons role is to respect those boundaries, well, we will likely be disappointed as it is their nature to have poor boundaries.  When setting boundaries, we need to look towards ourselves to ensure we maintain the boundary despite knowing fully aware, that our SO likely will attempt to bust them.

[JQ]

Hi Yikes,

You're new with 3 post so let me say Welcome to the group. Sorry that you here, but glad to see your found us. We won't judge you because we've been where you have been and know what you're going through. It's tough, it drains you mentally, physically and emotionally. We're anonymous here so feel free to share what you're comfortable with sharing. with that said, can you give a little more detail on your s/o, the BPD, how long you've been together, whatever your comfortable with.

With that said, my exBPDgf had invited me to more then a couple of sessions with her therapist who was treating her BPD. This was suppose to be "couples therapy" among other things.  This highly educated, experienced person had asked me what I wanted from the relationship, "I want a mutual respectful, monogamous relationship", to which he said, "That might not ever happen". This was the best clue I could have received much like the quote that you first saw on this site.

From that moment on I knew that my time with my now exBPD was on the clock. The r/s ended once again shortly after that meeting. I was recycled a couple of more times, before I had to finally look myself in the mirror and knew I had to draw the line in the sand. I did, she crossed it, I went NC. It wasn't easy, anyone who has experienced a NON / BPD relationship will tell you that it's been the most challenging thing they've ever had to do in their life.  But in the end, you learn and grow and you move on a wiser person.

As far as boundaries, it is to protect ourselves but at the same time, if you are one of the NON's who are attempting to salvage the r/s there is a place on this site that helps you establish those boundaries. I would also say that a good therapist experienced in BPD / NON r/s can help with those as well. A BPD doesn't know how to maintain boundaries because in part of the short circuit wiring in their brain. It is believed that trying to maintain those boundaries will help the r/s & the BPD learn acceptable behavior.

I can tell you from personal experience, using this site, my therapist and a couple of other sources that there was "LIMITED SUCCESS" with them. My exBPD will forever be the 3 yr old toddler testing my patience with those limits. As a NON, you have to have enough self respect & discipline to enforce those boundaries and if they break "THAT" boundary that is a "Point Of No Return" for you. YOU have to be prepared to enforce the consequences and if that means saying good bye, then say good bye.

I've read on this site where NON's have put in 1000's of post about a 20-30 yr r/s with a BPD and the crazy train roller coaster has never stopped and indications are that it won't. But they keep getting back on and riding. Each of us have to make the choice to get off or stay on. There are people here that will assist you on you journey regardless of the path you choose to walk. We can't walk your journey for you Yikes, but someone will be there to pick you up when you stumble, and trust me, you will stumble. We'll dust you off & straighten you up, but it's really up to you what path you want to continue to walk, it ALWAYS has been up to you.

J

[lingering]

Yes - exactly... .you can be as good as you possibly know how to be... .but it is pathological unless one can own one's own truth.   That seems to be the kicker, in my experience.  My Truth, My wisdom got rejected and silenced.  

Just not possible... .a great wealth of wisdom and personal growth available via this very f'd up relationship.  Oh my!

That's a quote from this website on one of the introductory pages, it's probably not exact but I'm not going to go back to try to link. It's very wise and rings true to me. Credit this to the website though.

It rings right that it's just not possible. There is not enough of anything rational going on to ever get to anything that will last. You can tell yourself "I'm just going to be the bigger person", "I'm going to be compassionate" or conversely "I'm just going to maintain boundaries".

If you were really serious about boundaries you would have walked away from all of this long ago. You wouldn't be here.

I'm not trying to sound like some sage on a hill, I'm as baffled as anyone because I feel more than a little addicted to what is a broken and not even available relationship. I crave the few nice days of love and contentment, but now I also just also watch the pressure valve rise when we seem to be happy. And you can't possibly avoid it. I've tried every angle. Ignore it, walk away, call it out. It's always going to end up in an explosive disaster with hours or days of accusations, ultimatums.

The latest has to do with not responding to text messages quickly (when I'm at work... .because I'm working). And it has already started to evolve into dead-eyed, explosive, utter nonsense which I've tried everything I know to shut down. "You're so cold and empty", "You give nothing to this relationship", "You don't even know what love is"... .on and on it goes.