So mine got in touch...

[Frustratedbloke]

I knew it was going to be bad when she added me back on Facebook this morning. But she got in touch, after four weeks, I think, now of silence. She wanted to know about my life, girls, everything.

Now I should have been smarter I know, but I just said come round, I'll tell you all about it.

She started making excuses, then tried to go back to questions, I just kept cutting her off and said come round, we can talk about it here.  She tried really hard to get me to talk to her without committing to coming round. I didn't take that bait, finished the conversation and said message me when you want to come round.

So not quite the no contact some of you are managing, but I did at least control the encounter and refuse to get drawn into pointless talk about my life.

Think she was just checking if the body is still warm and she could return?

[once removed]

hi Frustratedbloke 

lets look at this from another angle:

Now I should have been smarter I know, but I just said come round, I'll tell you all about it.

She started making excuses, then tried to go back to questions, I just kept cutting her off and said come round, we can talk about it here. She tried really hard to get me to talk to her without committing to coming round. I didn't take that bait, finished the conversation and said message me when you want to come round.

Think she was just checking if the body is still warm and she could return?

it sounds like she wanted to chat, and you wanted her to come over. think you are just checking if the body is still warm and you could return?

[Frustratedbloke]

Maybe,  but she tried to friendzone me at the end of the relationship, basically freeze me out of sex and keep me as a one sided friend. I told her in no uncertain terms that I had no interest in platonic friendship.

So her contacting me 'just to chat' would have been a total violation of the boundary I set anyway. So me going along with that would have been caving in.

[WoundedBibi]

So you want your body to be checked for temperature so to speak.

You either want a recycle or nothing. Correct?

[Frustratedbloke]

Yeah I should probably have ignored the message, I know I should have.

But you guys know that's easier said than done

[once removed]

boundaries go both ways here. she prefers to remain friends. you dont. thats okay - youre both entitled to that choice. the difference might be irreconcilable. both parties boundaries should be respected, although you cannot count on her or force her to follow your terms.

it sounds like you may be misdirecting the concept of boundaries as a means to achieve your goal.

have you had an opportunity to read our article here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[once removed]

also, if reviving the relationship is your goal, you might consider posting on the saving board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=15.0

[Frustratedbloke]

Maybe you're right, but I told her at the time, as in a month ago, there were no hard feelings if she wasn't into me any more, but I had no, zero, nada, niet interest in being her friend. So if that's what she wanted, please leave me alone for the rest of her life.

Today I think I reinforced my boundary and nothing more, I wasn't rude, I was nice, but I said again, get in touch if you want to come round. Apart from that, I made it clear I wasn't going to do small talk.

So to be honest I think I just cemented my position. I really don't think that is misappropriating a boundary.

[once removed]

it is certainly being firm and true to your word.

but i think it misses the point. you say she "friend zoned" you, which in my opinion is at odds with the concept of boundaries in the sense that she is entitled to view you as a friend, and no one can put you in a position you are unwilling to be in. you have clearly communicated that you remain unwilling - good. now live it.

that said, i understand the sort of effect this has on a guy (or a gal), ive been there. it really hurts the ego. often, the relief appears to be changing the game, flipping the table, having things on your terms... .usually in an effort to get the attention back, even if one intends to reject it. that is what im getting at about misguided boundaries.

you have stated that you want to recycle, in some form. thats a goal, and i wouldnt discourage you. but its at odds with detaching. whether you want to detach, or revive the relationship, they are two different mindsets, and it sounds like they are competing. clarifying your goals will help you move forward, whichever path you choose.

[lunchbox123]

I think you played this well, you called her out on her BS interrogation by putting her on the spot.

You told her if she wants any info, she can come to you. You didn't accept her breadcrumbs and you didn't feed her ego. If anything I think this is more effective than ignoring her message.

[Frustratedbloke]

Thanks, I thought it was at least a strong show. Thanks for the validation, sometimes you need it!